Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

@Antiquiteas
https://www.brentwoodschool.co.uk/admissions/fees
Definitely not Eton, not even particularly prestigious

Do people not realise that people's financial situations - income, outgoings and savings - might be significantly different from their own?

Judging by this thread, a lot of people seem to have very, very fixed ideas about the salary you require to be able to send a child to private school, to the extent that anyone earning below that level (regardless of their overall financial situation or the cost of the school fees, which vary massively) must be taking the piss or be completely deluded to think they can have a child educated privately.

Far too many people are focused on this specific thing, when the real problem is the intention to blend families with wildly different expectations about money. At least two PPs have shown that yes, you can send a child to private school on £50K provided that everything else is in good order.

He can't afford it on £50k

School fees are expensive. I would be careful moving in together as he may be looking to contribute less in your shared home so he can fund his childs education. By moving in he will pay less rent etc.

I have two kids in private and the only ones he would get money if are the ones who have received a scholarship or a bursary. Bursary is for low earners and 50K is not

how much do you earn? It's a bit rich to question how he is going to contribute to your financial future if you don't plan to do the same.

That said, if you are planning a future with him this is obviously a long term and significant financial commitment. So I can see why it would worry you.

There are lots of things you need to consider:

if you move in together then (and I am assuming as you say you work part time) then your benefits will most likely stop as his income will be taken into account. This will mean that your 'income' will drop. Will you still be able to affords your half of the bills and standard of living?

Will you be pooling all of your income and splitting everything equally? or will you both keep your income and then split the bills 50/50? if so be mindful of the above point regarding your benefits.

Where will you live? do either/both of you own your house? if so will you be selling and buying jointly? if moving into 1 then will you be contirbuting towards the mortgage or have a stake in the house? will either of you be giving up a secure council tenancy? if you split then it is unlikely you will get another one.

Will there be enough bedrooms for all the kids?

What is the price of private school? you are looking at 15k plus all the extras - trips, meals, uniform etc, none of which come cheap!!

How about other inqualities between his and your kids - will he be spending thousands at xmas and birthday compared to you spending £100s?

Do either of you have debt?

a year when you both have kids is not a long time, i would adivse caution and leave it a few more years before moving intogether. if the worst happens and you split you may ahdv put yourself and your children into a vunerable position.

What is your actual issue?

He cant afford it?
It might affect how you split the bills?
His child and your child will be treated differently?
That he doesnt see your child as his own?

It's more that the ex's role in supporting their child isn't what's up for discussion here. There are no 'shoulds' pertaining to her, because there can't be.

The OP is a girlfriend. She and her boyfriend don't live together and have no shared financial commitments. It's just not up to her what he spends his money on, or how the parents distribute their costs. Even if the way they do it is objectively unwise. All she can do is make sure she's informed.

Lots of posters have been critical of the setup, but because of the stage in the relationship OP is at, the advice of those posters has either been to end things or keep it casual. She can't decide that her boyfriend should only agree to pay a certain amount, she can only make sure his financial decisions have no impact on her.

I think it would be a struggle to combine households anyway, and agree how to fairly split household costs, even without the potential issue of one half of the couple considering private school for one of their DC.
See what pans out with regards to the child going to private school. But, an open conversation about how this would affect progressing towards living together would definitely need to be had at some stage.
If you already think the ex and your boyfriend's children are 'high maintenance' now, the reality of co-habiting could serve to exacerbate this feeling and is a breeding ground for resentment.
It may be that it would be better to maintain separate households, as your boyfriend is rightly considering his children before and as yet only speculative move to live together.
Additionally, with you only working part-time, I'd be looking to see how you could increase your income in order to contribute more fairly to a living together scenario.

stop being jealous because his kid can go to private school and yours can’t. Also his money his business. Go and find someone to fund you or accept the fact that you can’t afford certain things and his kid will always be a priority.

Yes, but it’s not wildly higher to the extent that you’d be worrying about a prospective partner being more interested in your money than you.

That’s true, but it would make more sense for someone on £50,000 after tax to be able to single-handedly fund private school.

Wow. So you’re envisaging a life with him where you work part time, and this takes money away from his existing responsibilities for his child? Just wow.

I’d keep my snout out of it I was was in your shoes.

Is it just his money you were interested in?

He's not rich.

Warwick school. Prestigious.

OP, what formula do you use when calculating contributions?

Is the ratio split per income or living expenses? Ie if he earns 50k and you earn 20k while household expenses is 35k will it be half of each incomes or it will be half of the total living cost ie 17.5k?

Don't move in with him. This ‘bank of dad’ situation will only get worse as the child grows older. In theory you have no claim over his money. In reality, you will be running a household together so if he’s paying out huge chunks of money in school fees and all the associated costs of private school, it will affect you and your children. Our joint income is around 85K and there’s no way we could afford private school. It will be a real squeeze for him to afford it.

So you would move in with him without discussing finances?

Hmmm tough one... having a roof over your head, eating 3 times a day, being able to afford heating and petrol plus your taxes and rent? Just off the top of my head......... And yes, I do believe in a good education, and I am making sacrifices to procure one for my daughter. But there is sacrifices and there is suicide...

OP being responsive would clear up so much.

We don't even know the ages of the kids and whether he's thinking primary / secondary. If secondary, it's highly likely he can.

People send kids to private school on less income (bursary/scholarship).

Has he said he's planning to move him and combine income with her, or is that her wish?

Is he planning to take on extra work to facilitate this?

Is he paying fees in lieu of maintenance?

Does he own a home with no mortgage? Does he live with parents?

Too many unknowns to decide he can't afford it.

What is clear, however, is that his and OP's plans are miles apart, so this shouldn't go beyond a casual affair.

Simply not true

£50k a year doesn't stretch to private education so unless he has savings your lifestyle will be severely impacted

If you are happy to carry on dating him but live separately and keep finances separate then it’s not much to do with you.

If you thought you were going to set up home together, I would be running a mile.

I think it’s fair enough that you ask him his future plans re finances etc. It is his choice, but if it will impact on your relationship financially ie you have to contribute more because he has spent so much on private school, then that would not be acceptable.
so if he goes ahead, just make sure it is clear that you are not contributing extra etc and that if it comes to that then say sorry not your responsibility.

if you are both thinking you’d like children together then it has an even bigger impact

Don't think OP is coming back