Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

I wouldn’t move in with him or marry him. There will be SO many problems ahead. So many. You’re just setting yourselves and your kids up for a lot of unhappiness

Agree with pp he needs to do his sums if he genuinely thinks he can afford it. As a family we earn a lot more and concluded we couldn’t (albeit for 2 kids not 1).

My DS went to a private school and they are expensive. Then there's the kit for each sport, the trips often abroad etc.

I did it but it was very hard.

He can't afford it on £50k, full stop.

Private secondary school here is around 22k per year for day pupils £43k for boarders plus £1000 deposit, uniform, trips, various other expenses, even the canteen is expensive. He can't afford that on 50k is that gross or net income? Even net he'll struggle to do that and support himself. Don't move in with him, don't blend finances, don't get pregnant.

The child would have to have something pretty amazing to offer, for that kind of bursary to be applied. Bursary funds are used generally to attract/retain children who are brilliant academically or at music/sport/drama/whatever. Not just so that people with lower incomes can send their children there.

It's not just the school fees - it's the uniform, extra curricular activities, keeping up with the lifestyle of much richer families so that his child fits in
This is often mentioned on MN, but it's not true. Most uniform is second hand (parents hand it on from family to family). Extra curricular activities are almost all included in the fees. The lifestyle thing is a myth!

Other than that, @Limegreencurtains, I'd do as a PP suggests and don't mix finances or housing with your boyfriend. Just enjoy the relationship as it is, rather than putting all the additional pressure on it (and it would be better for your children, too). And do not get pregnant.

Ok so he would be on an equivalent £31k ish salary.....can someone on £31k not contribute and share a house? I'm wondering if OPs part time wages are less than £31k.

We earn almost double his income and decided against independent as it would have a drastic impact on our lives that we don't feel was worth it, when we have good primaries and excellent grammars locally

What financial package will you be bringing to any future partnership OP?

I know, firstly it's really spiteful and secondly its not really a big enough salary to attract anyone just for money 🙄 In the discussions around private school 50k would definitely be on the lower side of salaries but certainly no school near us would consider that low enough for a bursary.

The posts about OP being part time are nasty also. Perhaps it makes sense as a single parent/child care as she has young children.

I totally understand the OPs worries, it's a huge commitment combining families esp when one partner has to rightly pay maintenance and other costs towards children with an ex. Private school isn't essential really, I totally missed where OP he was paying all of it on 50k salary, there is no way that's affordable IMO. He will be expecting to move in with OP and contribute less, or he hasn't even thought that far about it and just assumes it will all work out.

He only earns £50k and he’s going to be solely responsible for multiple sets of n increasing school fees?

Neeeeever going to happen. Do he and his children set a lot of store by their outward appearance? The things they have? What they do?

If he does try to do it, there’s not going to be much left to contribute to a life shared with you, which will (and already is) breed resentment.

Where he send his kids to school is up to his ex and him

where you send yours is up to your ex and you

My kids are at a day school that is £24k a year (so it takes c. £50k of gross income to pay for one place). An income of £50k a year would qualify for a low income small bursary or fee discount, assuming no other assets, and it wouldn’t require any special talents on the part of the child but they would have to pass the entrance exam.

As long as he can contribute 50% towards all bills then that's fine, his spare cash is his to do with as he chooses

However I fail to see how he could live and send his dc to private school. On average it costs 35k a year to send a child to private school. After tax on 50k his take home pay is 38k so he simply can't afford it - unless of course he lives off your salary and you pay for EVERYTHING.

If they are, then she'd likely be entitled to top up benefits, with two young children. Certainly CB if nothing else, and likely childcare support too. Housing costs would depend on the situation.

Her partner, on the other hand, would not be entitled to top up benefits if he had 31k after salary deductions and private school fees. He wouldn't even be entitled to top up benefits if, as is pretty likely, the figure he was left with was lower than 31k.

Those are Eton College-level fees.

Let’s not assume that working PT necessarily means the OP is earning a pittance. Maybe she’s PT in a senior role and earns enough to pay higher rate tax on her pro rata salary. Or maybe she owns a house outright following her divorce. Or has a high earning ex who pays £950 a month in maintenance.

It’s likely to be fine so long as they are both contributing fairly to any household they might form. In a blended family with no shared children, the calculations of fair are not going to be the same as in a nuclear family.

The financial problem here would only be if he was planning this stuff on the assumption that he can get his girlfriend to subsidise him (that kind of attitude and behaviour in divorced dads is more common than you’d hope - lots of them see a new relationship as compensating them for their financial losses in divorce and ongoing maintenance liabilities).

The separate issue, and one that is likely to break any blended family, is the fact that his relationship with his child is framed around how much he spends and what the child gets. That is likely to be a nightmare (and translate into daily life in really awful ways - let’s face it, there won’t be any parental authority exercised there).

That’s the huge waving red flag here. I’d advise any woman to run from that one.

He hasn’t done his sums, has he? Unless he has £120k in savings tussled away somewhere he’s going to find it a massive stretch. I guess that he’s hoping to move in with you and not pay rent, and that you’ll find holidays, and meals out. If you do talk about living together you would need to be very up front about how he proposes to pay his way given his huge financial commitment.

These are good points. It doesn't sound like this is going to be a great long term arrangement. The only way I'd consider staying in this relationship is if we were going to both maintain our own separate homes and lives.

I agree with Sussy. You don't live together and who knows, the relationship may not last; keep things the way they are for the foreseeable and have fun.

Private school on £50k pa seems like a stretch. Is the £50k gross if so I think he’ll struggle to pay the fees. Over one month’s take home pay per one term’s fees. That’s a lot when you factor in all his other living costs.

If he's only on 50k and pays maintenance and private school fees he won't have anything much left to contribute to a joint household.

That's a really nasty comment, why is her working part time (as a single parent with young DC) a bad thing, she may be increasing as they get older. She hasn't said she wants his money but surely it's a consideration if they are combining households in the future. He needs to be able to contribute fairly to the OPs household if he's living there surely.

If you’ve only been together a year, it’s very early days and his child’s school is not really your concern.

HOWEVER - a 50k salary is nowhere near enough to send a child to private school. Have they actually looked in to it properly? He’s way off.

He only earns £50k and he's going to send his kid to private school? That would be utter madness, even if he was living with his ex and kid and only paying for one household. No, you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask where this leaves the two of you financially OP - in fact you'd be mad not to bring this up - particularly as moving in with you and your kids may well be part of his financial reasoning that can afford this. I send my kids to private school, so I'm familiar with the costs of it and if we only earned £50k they would be at the local state school.

Ok, so from what I'm getting from this thread is £50k is deemed a very small salary 😂 all the 'he only earns 50k' we don't know the age of the kid or the price of the school, which do vary!