Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

Take home salary of 50k is about 3k per month. Average cost of private school is 15k a year- thats 1265 per month. That leaves him with take home of about 1730 per month. Thats not including all the extras for school, child maintenance etc That leaves not much at all for mortgage/rent, heating bills, car maintenance, council tax, food and other bills. It might be just about doable but it will be very very tight.

In the context of private school it is. It’ll take a huge chunk out of his salary and leave him very little to live on or have any spare money for a long time. Private schools do vary but I doubt you will get any that charge less than £4K a term. That’s an absolute minimum £12k a year plus all the other expenses private school entails. It’ll be a big financial burden on him. Uniforms and school kit alone can run into hundreds.

Sport kits.

I would be more worried that he is delusional and has no clue about money.

Maintenance plus his household costs will eat up his 50K.

Yeh good point. £50 k would be a big salary for me!!! Ive nothin against people choosing private school but I personally wouldn’t choose to spend it on private school but we would be able to live more comfortably - on particular pay for house repairs/ appliances, occasional holiday (maybe even once per year) and still save some.

It's a red flag because he clearly can't budget for toffee and you'll end up paying for it too because he will be unable to contribute to anything else.

He can't afford it, reasonably. He'd be absolutely broke funding it, and if he's expecting you to cover his half of rent/bills/living expenses whilst he plays Billy Big-Balls, bin him off straight away.

Ask him how he's planning to afford it on £50k.

Not your business. Like it or not, private school does offer some advantages and what is more important than investing in the future of your child?

@Limegreencurtains £50k is £38k after tax and NI. That’s without student loan payments and pension contributions. Please don’t move in with him or get pregnant by him. He will end up spending most of his income on private school fees (tuition, uniform, school dinners, clubs etc).

He probably won’t have enough at the end to cover household bills, food shops, his car repairs, dental treatment etc. Let alone another child if you end up pregnant. He might be hoping you’ll move in and cover some household and childcare costs so he can just about afford the tuition. You’d be subsiding him. Don’t do it!

If he earns £50k, he'll take home approx £3200/m.

School fees are approx £1500/m. Of course it will be less if he's paying half, or getting a bursary or getting family help. I'm going to assume as a minimum that if he pays it in full that will be in lieu of maintenance payments to ex.

So he has £1700 to bring to the joint finances each month.
If OP's job also brings in £1700 to the joint finances each month, then they would have £3400/m to support the 2 of them. Seems perfectly reasonable household income for a couple.

They are BOTH making choices that limit their disposable income- OP is working part time, DP is spending a chunk on his child's education. Both perfectly valid choices that are theirs to make. And both perfectly fine as long as they can afford to support themselves too.

OP's partner has no responsibility to financially support OP and her children, and OP has no responsibility to financially support her DP's child.

I suspect the big issue is actually that OP was hoping that she'd struck gold and her DP's income would be used to subsidise her part time salary, and she's sore that he wants to spend it on child instead!

Bursaries are generally only offered to very clever children who perform extremely well in the entrance exam - is an incentive for the school to offer them as a sweetener to get the child into their school if the parents will struggle to pay the full amount - but bursaries are generally only around 5-20% of the fees.

I would hang fire a bit OP - I think once your dp sees how much private school actually costs (ours are around £15k a year with the school bus and lunches) he will be having second thoughts.

There is no way he can afford private fees on £50,000 per year. If he were on £150,000 then I would say YABU but on only £50k it is going to severely limit his ability to manage day to day living expenses.

Part time doesn’t necessarily mean earning less than he does though, depending on what she does.

Your boyfriend needs to sit down and look at what private school fees actually cost, including things like uniform and extras, and then set that figure against what he usually has left after tax and other work expenses like commuting. `I just don't see how it's doable on £50K a year. Most parents on that sort of income who send their children to private school have been saving towards the fees since before the kid was born, and even then they would struggle.

This.

Plus, 50 grand isn't a massive amount if you are sending a child to private school - and presumably this is in addition to regular child maintenance, and if he's the Bank of Dad" I assume he shells out for holidays, days out, trainers/ toys the kid "must have", school trips and other "stuff".

How does he expect to fund all of this AND contribute his fair share to your joint home and expenses?

I think it's great that he cares so much for his child - I'd have no respect for a man who didn't - but there's a difference between taking full responsibility and being a doormat!

And as that child gets older, the stuff they want will be increasingly expensive, and school trips at the private school won't just be a day at the local Waterfowl Trust - it'll be a week in Zermatt or whatever and his kid will have to have spending money to make him look level with the children of much wealthier parents.

I'd have it out with him - and if he won't listen to reason, break it off with him, otherwise you will find yourself funding HIS child, drip-by-drio, but degrees, and yours won't be getting half the stuff you'd like to give them.

I am sorry I'm in a rush so not read full thread but consider:

• Price will increase as they go through system not just becaise of fee increases bit becaise as they get older the fee band goes up
• They MAY get scholarship and / or bursary but the bursary assessment process is often intrusive and should include his DM as well as your DP
• Uniform, trips, music lessons etc are not cheap and need to be factored in
• Boarding or day? If boarding g forget it as its at least £30k and probably more out if taxed income

Don't go into this lightly becaise once you are in pulling out and finding a decent state school will be tough

Regardless of how much he earns, you've only been together a year, you don't live together and you don't seem to understand that his child comes first.

If he wants to pay for his child to attend private school, it's really none of your business.

I suspect the big issue is actually that OP was hoping that she'd struck gold and her DP's income would be used to subsidise her part time salary, and she's sore that he wants to spend it on child instead!

What a spiteful and uncalled-for remark.

This is why private schools shouldn't be treated as charities. If someone on above national income is considered in need.

Do you earn £50k from your part time job?

If not, how do you propose being able to contribute fairly? Otherwise, you’re expecting him to contribute more to your household than you are.

Good on him for prioritising his own child over a short-term girlfriend.

Private school fees are £40k a year for most decent secondary schools. He’s living in a dream land.

It becomes her business if they are to have a life together with sharing of finances and living expenses. She can’t dictate how he spends his money on his child, but she can decide if she wants to pursue the relationship or break it off.

of course someone on £50,000 can pay private school fees - they just then have the lifestyle of someone on £28,000 which is still perfectly viable (this is just one child, and typical private fees outside London are around £15k per year, £22k of gross salary translates to around £15k of net salary after tax and NI.

The lifestyle of someone on £28k is obviously much less luxurious than that of of someone on £50k but it's not poverty level. it's a valid choice to make.

what's not a valid choice is to create a family where one child has that enormous sacrifice being made for them, when other children in the same household are treated very differently. which is why OP needs to back right off from this man.

The thing is that if his daughter is used to being indulged financially and finds herself in a private school where everyone is much richer than she has, she is going to be really pissed off when he can't pay for those treats anymore. Those treats now have become normal to her and she will feel very deprived without them. The fact is that on that salary he cannot afford private fees and to give her whatever she wants in terms of clothes, toys or whatever it is that she likes.

I wouldn't want to be around him with his daughter anyway as he is spoiling her and there will be massive repercussions. I wouldn't want to be around her when she realises she can't have treats and private school. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her mother either as she sounds like she's been spoilt.

None of this will be good for you or your children.

50k? He won't be funding it alone then, she'll have to help too.