Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

And that’s £13k just for fees. Uniform for my 3 is around £400 each. Then there are clubs, school dinners, often transport etc. It’s easily another couple thousand above the stated fees.

You are not being unreasonable to ask where this leaves you and your future, however him wanting to provide for his daughter without qualm or query is very admirable. I am split with my ex and he pays bear minimum for my child, so I don't see your partner wanting to pay for his child to go to private school as a negative.

It IS none of your business how he spends his money on his child and he has every right to send him to private school if he wants to.

iowever, It IS your business if he wants to move in with you and as a result of the above cannot then afford to contribute to bills/mortgage/rent etc

I would not ever move in with someone who is so stretched financially that the burden fell all on me. Thats never gonna happen and that is a conversation you need to have with him before you even think of moving in with him. Conversations about moving in should be focusing on the latter not the former as if you start telling him how to spend his own money it will only end in arguments. You are perfectly reasonable however to discuss how the two of you will contribute towards joint costs and if he is unable to do so then dont move in with him. How you move forward bearing this in mind is entirely up to you.

@AlexaFeedMyKids he's doesn't really have 50k though. Not once he's paid tax etc.
OP says he's planning on paying full school fees, not half. A pp said that even if the school subsidised him as a low earner (and I don't know why they would, unless his child is some kind of genius, or all low earners would have privately educated children) he is looking at £500 per month.
I don't know many people who could afford to lose that every month, plus all the other associated child costs and still contribute fairly to the family home, pay commuting costs, holidays, dates with their partner etc.
If you live with the other parent of your child, then as a couple you might decide to go without a lot of niceties to pay for this. But OP isn't the other parent and won't want to make the sacrifices (or impose them on her children) for his child's benefit alone. She has to prioritise her own quality of life.

If he was a single man willing to live in the equivalent of a student house then yes he could afford it (maybe) but that's not what most women want for their families

@bellac11 I totally agree with you! Why is wanting to send his child to private school a red flag?

Well he can’t afford private school- not sure I could be with someone that financial naive and you have the right to ask how he’ll fund that if you plan to pool finances.

Where does he live now? If he runs is own house paying a mortgage or rent surely he's having to consider this extra expenditure.

Time to put the brakes on living together and have an honest discussion about finances.

Because he really can't afford private school fees on his salary and he needs to be clear about what he expects your shared expenses or finances to look like and what his other non-negotiable bills are, such as maintenance and any loan repayments.

Classic MN 🙄

You’re assuming £50K after tax: OK. So the average cost of private day school is at least £13K p/a which does indeed leave £37K. But you need to add to that the cost of: uniform, trips, music lessons, any SEN lessons if needed, exams, some schools will add books to your bill as well. And don’t forget to factor in fee increases year on year.

Well given OP hasnt said whether she or he own their own property, whether they still have mortgage/rent outstanding separately or not, everyones happy to make a massive assumption that hes on his uppers and needs to live with her rent free as if she is the one would be subbing him. No one knows what the cost of the potential school is, what the ex wife might be paying.

Seems he has a nice income to me for her considering she only works part time

It also assumes that he won’t still be paying child maintenance on the £50k salary.

He’s not going to get state support to help
with his bills or housing costs either.

As I said before, that’s all totally fine if he’s not going to expect anyone else to
subsidise his choices. But not if he wants to appear to be Lord Bountiful to his son while not paying his way and taking advantage of his girlfriend.

I think the dynamics in blended families are hard enough without introducing private school for one parents children when the others go to state school. Another, and very complex, layer of difficulty and resentment.

Then there's the money side of things. What if you have a baby together? Yours and the shared child get camping holidays, if any, because the golden child takes the majority of the resources.

If he's contributing to a pension and a student loan, he'll clear about £2700 tops.
That's £1,200 after £1500 on school fees. £1200 for mortgage, council tax, holidays, utilities, insurances, car, Christmas, and food - let alone treats, clothes and personal spends.

If he thinks it's all possible, I'd seriously be thinking about his intellect.

I'd be more concerned that he's letting his child dictate this kind of decision, same with asking them if he's allowed a girlfriend, what if they had said no actually we don't want you to date anyone?

This is the perfect opportunity to divide your financial opinions. As others have said he may question why you’re working part time and what impact that has on your future. I would always recommend talking about finances before you move in together, a life with someone you’re not financially compatible with can me a nightmare. My ex ran up over 100k of debt as he had a very different outlook to me, if he wanted it he had it regardless of if he can afford it. That’s not how I want to live my life.

DH and I earn multiple times what your boyfriend does and I can tell you with the ever increasing cost of living funding a private education is not easy on our income, on your bf’s I don’t know how he would manage without huge debt
or living with parents as there’s just not enough left for anything else from 50k, fees will be around 15k plus uniforms, trips, and I assume normal child maintenance will be in addition. You two definitely need to discuss your future plans and the impact.

It’s not an assumption that the plan is for him to pay the entire cost of private school.

“Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all.”

We don’t know the OP’s housing situation. That’s why the advice is often on the basis that it only matters if he’s not going to pay his own way.

Most of us are assuming that the OP will also be required to pay her own way and isn’t looking for a boyfriend to subsidise her choices.

Yanno you don't have to move in together. Separate houses and finances might be the way to harmony.

He needs to think about the fees and all of the extras, uniform, clubs etc.

The combination of having a child who can say "as long as he doesn't stop buying me stuff" and also wanting to pay private school fees, when as everyone's said he doesn't really earn enough to cover private secondary fees, is what together constitutes a red flag I think.

Our children haven't missed out, but we have been pretty frugal in what "stuff" is bought for them over the years while they have been at school on bursaries. Our household income increment above £50000 is I think more than we were paying for the second's school fees, and we had a savings buffer that was taken into account.

I agree that how much the OP would intend to bring to a shared household with a part time job is important. And would he still be able to contribute that same after costs.

It’s caused a massive issue for my friend whose dp funded private school for his kid from a previous relationship at the insistence of his ex wife (he had two other children with my friend)

my friend and the dp eventually split over it

Its tough as finances are so personal and we should be able to spend our own money how we like, but, if you move in then as a family it should be team work and you should support each other.

I think its good you are thinking about this now before you move in.

I also think it will be pretty impossible for your BF to solely fund private school on £50,000 Pa.

I'd be super wary of blending with a family where is was seen as ok for a child to say something like 'as long as he keeps buying me stuff'.

Looks like his ex and kid aren't the only ones who see him as a bank!

YABVVU and grabby in a short relationship in which you yourself work only part time laying any kind of a claim to his 50k

When i looked, i worked out you needed to be on at least 80k-100k a year to afford private school and a life.

50k isnt a great wage, its a good wage but it isnt a private school and nice house wage