Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

[Limegreencurtains]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

He wouldnt get CB anyway if his kids are not living with him. Or childcare costs. Or housing costs if they are buying their own house. So none of that would apply to him regardless, as his kids wouldn't be living with him.

£35k a year? Average private schools (not Eton type schools) are around £4.5k a term. There are extras of course but it’s not £35k a year per child.

They really aren't Eton College level. I live in SE London. My DH works at a private school (local, selective day school) and the fees are £7k a term. Depending on where op lives, private school fees could obliterate his net salary - how would he then contribute to their shared life?

Bursaries - he would be on the cusp of qualifying for something at my dh's school, but his ex's income would be considered too. And on his salary, the bursary would not be huge in any event as quite rightly a sliding scale is applied.

Personally, the kid's emphasis on dad buying him stuff and the bloke's attitude to the whole thing (ie kid wants x, so of course I will give kid x) would make me run for the hills.

Yikes. £50k is NOT enough. He sounds deluded unless of course he is thinking he will have next to no living costs because he will be living with you.

We both worked full time and earned considerably more than £50k but we had to remortgage to afford the last two years because we were nearly there. I have no regrets whatsoever however £50k will go no where. Both children went to a very well known school but I do think the view that you have to keep up with the other wealthy families is rather outdated. I never found that and there was a robust second hand shop and when you see blazers being used as goal posts you will be buying from this shop too!

There were boys who were on full bursaries. The other pupils didnt care (parents might but that is another issue!).

It is not for a child to decide whether they go to a private school.

It's entirely reasonable that you ask him to consider his finances and how you will both fund your life together. Get him to work out how much he needs to live a comfortable life and he should realise the school is unaffordable.

1. how old is the child and why does he want to go to private school? What is the value added of the private school. Mine went to an average private school but in all honesty would have provably had similar academic outcomes at our local good state. Also he can't afford it on 50,000.
2. How is he planning to fund it - although the only way this is relevant to you is if he is asking you to subsidise him sending his son to private school. It may be he is willing to make life choice sacrifices that you won't like eg no more holidays etc.

Not really your business and he has every right to spend his money on his kids education. FWIW I don’t think £50k earnings is likely to allow this to happen.

Are you on top up benefits that you will lose if he moves in? Does he expect you to commit fraud so he doesn't have to put as much into the household? Him moving in without going through everything and discussions about being a proper blended family is going to leave you up shit creek. It's fine for him to not want to prop you up at the detriment of his child, but he needs to be honest. It sounds as though it is too soon for you to live together and I'd wonder about his haste.

I'm a single mum with an income of about the same, and I have a ds at private school. I pay half fees for various reasons, which still amounts to £10,000 a year.

It is doable, I have a small mortgage, but I don't have expensive holidays or regular nights out. My decision because ds won a scholarship and I wanted him to be able to accept it.

My partner at the time decided to end our relationship because he wasn't willing to accept the reduced lifestyle for 7 years.

Your concerns are reasonable. If your dp wants to spend £18k a year on his child, that is his concern but you have every right not to support him in that.

@Limegreencurtains DS went to an independent school from 8 to 18. Overall the cost was probably just north of £150,000; dd went from 11 which added just north of £115,000. Without paying their fees, uni costs were about £36,000.

DS's education, not including post graduate, was at least £168,000 from 8 to 21. (Day school). He is 28 now so you may need to double that.

First thing to ask is which school he is thinking of and what are the fees. That will stop it dead.

In context, when it comes to sending children to private school (plus maintenance and funding another home), a single salary of £50k will not go far. At all. To the point where I don’t believe he can get anywhere near being able to afford fees, plus extras.

It's up to him and his wife but yanbu to worry about the impact on a future together and on your children. I would not want to move in or blend families with him. The disparity in what I could offer my children and what he is or thinks he is able to offer his child would be enough for me to make that decision.

50k is most certainly not a small salary but considering private school fees it is. Most people I know who send their kids to private school are on 100k plus. Its not just the fees either, its the uniforms, clubs, expected donations and fundraisers, not to mention child maintenance he would have to pay aswell and it sounds like the kid wants him to buy him extra stuff too and there will be even more pressure for this is he is around children at school who typically come from very privileged backgrounds and have very expensive things. 50k after tax is not the same as 50k before tax so its not as if he will actually be taking home that amount either.

Yes. That was my point. His situation is very different to OPs and so the attempts to compare the two financially are pointless.

If the OP works part time, that’ll be a lot less than £50k - so I imagine being ‘equal’ still won’t be an issue!

And remember he needs to add on school lunches and maybe bus fees on top of termly amount.

And those fees go up every year. There is an eye-watering difference between junior and senior school fees. At school where I teach we are seeing more parents deliberately staying in prep schools longer sand joining senior school in Year 9 as opposed to Year 7.

Does he already own his own home etc?

Those figures are highly exaggerated! Day schools around here are around £5000 to £6000 a term at secondary levels. Uniform costs comparable to state as many of the latter now sport jazzy blazers and kilts. Secondhand uniform shops thrive and basics such as trousers, shirts are from any high street supplier.
lunches have to be paid wherever you go to school. Trips are optional and neither of ours went on a ski trip from
school, and didn’t feel they missed out.
No fees for school clubs or for staying after school until 5:30 if desired.
All books and most materials were included in school fees, as were public exam entries.
Top performing school in midlands city.

At my children’s school (Midlands) fees are £16k per annum. There are plenty of parents who earn that sort of salary or less who somehow manage to send their children there (savings, bursaries, grandparents, debts).

I would expect fees to go up a lot over the next few years just because the school’s costs will have rocketed. Plus there is the question of what will happen to schools (and fees) if there is a change of government in the near future. Potentially fees could rise by 20%.

Reading this, I've just reviewed the current fees of a range of my local schools. I don't know where the £13k "average" some were quoting earlier in the thread came from, I certainly don't recognise it. All schools around here are more than that by year 3 at the latest. The markedly cheapest senior was just under £18k a year, the others were all over £20k - day rates. And those who baulked at £40 something k for boarding - no that's not just Eton rates, that's boarding rates across the board, and mixed boarding/day school rates the day fees can easily be over £30 k / year.

Trust me he can't afford it on 50k. He needs a reality check.

It’s only a low salary IF you are aspiring to be in the 7% of the population who pay for private schooling.

Similarly, a £250k salary would be far too small if you aspire to owning a private jet. For most people that’s not even a consideration so £250k would be an incredibly good salary. But it’s nowhere near enough for that kind of lifestyle choice.

So true - I had a babysitting job and they spent £750 on uniforms for the kid for their first year (primary 1)
this was for 3 sets and did not include shoes and some other additions.

you were only permitted to buy uniform from that one shop, everything has to have logo including gym kit. Even buying selected art smocks and jackets and socks from the same place etc.
I think there is a lot that adds up that you don’t realise to begin with.

And we don’t have any expensive extras other than music lessons or school trips which are both optional and not done by most.

This. A £50k salary will not cover a private education.