To go straight to CMS?

[zzzzebra]

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

Go to CMS but don’t make it a contentious issue. It’s just how it’s done.

Go straight to cms

Before you go to CMS why don’t you ask him what he is going to provide rather than waiting for him to offer

If he says anything say "I don't want money to get in the way of your relationship with her so we will just let CMS handle the legalities - they only take payments for the legal minimum so please feel free to top it up as we go on as there will be expensive childcare costs when I go back to work"

@Aftjbtibg when I was pregnancy I asked of his plans to help support her and he said he would "help where he could".

We haven't been on the best of terms and I'm terrified of creating bad blood between us.

I just didn't know whether to give him some time before bringing it up as I don't want to ruin her first few weeks.

Or I can go down the "I'm letting CMS handle it route" so we don't have to talk about it like PP has said.

Pregnant*

I can spell clearly sleep deprived!

If he owes you £100, he'll have to pay £120 to CMS. If he's a high earner that 20% could be quite a lot, maybe enough to motivate him to just do the right thing?!

Just text him and say you're going to use CMS. If he earns 6 figures he's capable of using Google and figuring out the amount due.

Just ask him! If you don't want to create bad blood, going to straight to cms will. At least ask him and give him the chance.

I wouldnt expect him to come with gifts to see his own baby. But he should be contributing.

Yeah just say you don't want it to become a contentious issue so are just going to ask CMS to handle it.

Perfect.

I think going from the outset will be much better than having differing expectations of one another and ultimately feeling let down.

That’s only if you use collect and pay. If he pays as per the schedule he won’t be charged in addition to maintenance due.

Go on Gov.UK - use the CMS calculator to work out what he should be paying you. Tell him the figure. Tell him if he doesn't pay it then you will be going the official route which will cost him more as he'll have to pay their admin charge too.

I find it hard to talk to him about money. And as I've said when I brought it up when I was pregnant it didn't go down overly well and he was very vague.

He wanted me to have an abortion so had made quite a few comments a long the way about how if I chose this I would need to support the baby. I don't want to go into whole back story but we were in a long term relationship and mainly split up because of his desire for me to have an abortion (after 12 weeks when he decided he didn't want the baby).

I guess that's why I'm so reluctant to bring it up myself. I could definitely do with some help supporting her. I could do it myself but would be very tight.

I think say “I realise we haven’t discussed finances for (baby), but now she’s arrived it’s time to address it. I am going to contact CMS and ask they do the calculations, so it’s fair and objective. I want to keep it as amicable as possible and think that’s the best way. Of course, you’re still free to contribute to anything in addition to CMS and perhaps we could discuss that when the need arises?”

I’d also caution against using the calculator as he isn’t going to freely admit when he’s had incremental payrises etc and it won’t be long until it’s a significant amount you’re missing out on.

But you don't need to do it by yourself. He participated in making your baby, so he's also responsible for the cost, whether he likes it or not. Just go through CMS and let him know in writing. Bollocks to upsetting him, he sounds like a total arsehole.

He doesn't sound very invested in the idea of being a parent.

I would contact CMS, register the baby alone with your surname.

Register baby with your surname and ask him what is he proposing for child monthly support coming from him. If you don't get anywhere, go through CMS.

Congratulations on your new baby

I am registering her alone, I haven't even told him about the appointment so he won't be on the BC. She will have my surname too.

He also wasn't at the birth. So I have tried to put some boundaries in place. He came in and saw her after.

I just hoped now that she is here that he would be forthcoming about sorting things like support out, that he would offer rather than me have to ask. Especially given that I have done everything for her so far on my own.

Don’t wait for him to step up OP. You’ll just miss out in the meantime.

Don't make it a contentious issue and don't, as other posts have suggested, ask him to contribute.

Sit down and have a conversation about finances which is 'how do we split costs' and definitely not a question as to whether he will contribute. If he has a problem with that say, no worries I'll just put it through CMS. Make out like either path is irrelevant but that the end goal (paying for his child) is a given.

I asked of his plans to help support her and he said he would "help where he could".

You can hope he will be do the right thing, (sounds incredibly unlikely) or you can hand it over to the CMS. Start as you mean to go on, rather than let him get comfortable.

This is not about you trying to get money out of him and finding it difficult to talk to him about money. The onus is not on you to pull it out of him, the responsiblity is his to be forthcoming and fair, not chip in when he sees fit, and if he's not then the CMS might help him do so.

It's so difficult being a woman sometimes. I feel really guilty and I don't know why really. Maybe it's because I've been made to feel this way for continuing the pregnancy when he decided he didn't want to...

When I asked him before about support, he didn't say this explicitly but I felt like he was implying that I was motivated by money or just using him for money. This isn't the case at all.

I'm also on maternity leave and want to do the best for my baby, I've taken a massive drop in income and any support from him would obviously help me to have a bit more time with her while she's little.

Tbh I think the guilt thing is there whether or not you’re a single Mum. For some reason women feel indebted to men when it comes to the cost of their joint children. Amongst my friends there are so many who don’t have joint finances with the father of their children and whilst on mat leave, or returning to work with the additional cost of childcare they’re the ones struggling with the burden of a reduced income whilst their OH’s continue to contribute the same they always did to the household pot and their free cash remains their own. Where the Mums have no free cash and have to put a case forward and justify their spending to ask for a contribution from the men’s “spare cash” when they literally have nothing left.

You’re going to be massively financially disadvantaged anyway in having kids, most of us are (myself included) in the restrictions it brings in terms of childcare hours and availability, kids being ill and Mum being the one to stay home. Don’t make it worse for yourself.

Makes me quite cross to think of this man swanning in and out at his leisure, full income, whilst you’re on mat leave and raising a child alone.

Cms today. He has had 40 weeks of pregnancy already to provide for his due dc... Have you had costs op? If yes then he needs to pay up ASAP. Not in a month's time should he choose to..it really isn't an option for him to say no.