To go straight to CMS?

[zzzzebra]

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

I highly doubt he'll actually follow through with 50/50. No one will hand a new baby over to dad for 50/50, especially if you're breastfeeding, that's met her twice of his own accord. He lives too far away also.

I'd ignore him, and prepare a fuck you binder. Written timeline of everything. How many times he's visited, how long for, what he did to care for her (or refused to). How many times you've offered access and he's refused or not turned up. All his threats with the timeline. All the abusive messages and threats hes moved through - the taking to court, threatening to sabotage your job, denying paternity, the 50/50 as a 'threat' (bonus points if you have it in writing that he won't go for 50/50 if you drop the CMS claim), the whole 2 schools ridiculousness. A picture that he isn't acting in childs best interests and all about money. Consult a lawyer and take the binder with you.

If he won't pay CMS he won't spend the money to take you to court. Even if he did, he could take you to court any time even if you dropped CMS as he's babies dad. It would be a long process and you have a good case. You think he needs supervised contact as he has no relationship, 50/50 not appropriate as too far away to facilitate schooling. You want to work towards EOW and half holidays.

Also, make it clear he has to source EVERYTHING for his time. He wants her 50/50 ask him what cot, changing table, car seat, pram, nappies, clothes, bottles etc he's bought for her. Tell him how much childcare is and how much him having her would help you as it would save you more in childcare costs than you'd get in CMS. I can almost guarantee if he won't give you a penny of CMS he isn't going to shell out on all the stuff he'd need to actually look after her.

Lots of good advice- thanks everyone.

He's still asking for DNA test, CMS phoned me for permission the other day.

I mean it's clear as day he knows full well DD is his, otherwise he wouldn't be forward planning years ahead to schooling

He's changed his tune from the "I've got text messages saying you didn't want anything from me" to now saying he'll seek 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay... I'm guessing a solicitor or CMS have set him straight.

I really can't see him actually wanting 50/50 even if it were possible or wanting to care for her unless her has a new gf who is going to do so? He has very little patience, gets frustrated over sleep, noise, mess etc (yes I'm not sure what I saw in him I think the behaviours crept in over the years and I became conditioned to it).

The only way in my mind it would be remotely possible that a court would consider it in future is if he moved to live close by so that we could both do school pick ups and keep her routine?

He looks down his nose at the area I am from and has made nasty comments regarding it before, I don't see him moving this way and giving up his house, job for a daughter he's barely seen or been interested in so far.

Funny how he never mentioned 50/50 care before this though.

OP, I just wanted to add to my previous post;
I know all this talk of court is really scary, you’re sitting there with a newborn, which is hard enough.

One of the reasons I recommended reporting his coercive behaviour and manipulation (remember, that IS abuse!) is because this is your passkey to legal aid. I can’t remember what your financial position is, but in the event you incur any legal costs legal aid usually covers them 100% , so don’t let that worry you.

Refuge will explain all this to you, so I reiterate, give them a call.

Hi @TheTellTaleHeart, thank you for taking the time to give such amazing advice.

I think I've mentioned it previously but maybe I haven't- that I did report him to police during the pregnancy and I do have a crime reference number. I actually have several as there were several instances where I felt threatened and harassed by him. He also harassed several of my friends.

I'm considering reporting this too but he twists it and says he's not threatening me and that I'm taking it wrong.

Ok, that’s really good that you’ve already reported. I would report again, as it’s relevant to add to the file. Also, if you have anything in your GP notes, get a hold of that.

Make Refuge your first port of call, it’s not what you might think, it’s very practical advice and like talking to a friend. They know the procedure inside out.

They may advise you to report to social services as well, as threatening behaviour to you does place your baby in risk, in the eyes of the authorities. This is the time to get your ducks in a row and you can do it.

The advice Refuge gave me was worth its weight in gold and led to a great outcome. I would never have reported and gone as “official” without their advice and that was the key to my success. They will also check in on you. I very nearly wimped out of reporting to social services and police as it all felt so dramatic and alien. They will guide you, and give your head a wobble when you start to slip back into thinking it’s all in your head.

You can do this @zzzzebra

its important to stop listening to him now. He will twist things and you are entitled to block him and mute him entirely

Do you have support and someone to talk to?

Back for an update and some advice.

CMS have finally made a calculation after ex messed about, denying paternity etc etc...

He's kicked off big time. Has already said he's got no intention of paying. That he doesn't care if the bailiffs come after him. Apparently I'm ruining his life.

For the record, he still hasn't got anything for our baby.

I'm not sure there's anything I can do really if he doesn't pay is there, judging from what I've read on here before about CMS writing off arrears?

They said I need to give him a change with direct pay before they'd move to collect and pay... this is all just so tiring I can see why people don't bother.

Just let him blow off, default and let them deal with it. His life isn't your problem !

They can take it directly from wages can’t they? Unless he’s self employed or gives up his job. They have to give him a chance 1st though. He could stretch it out another while but hang in there. Hopefully you will get it ok, but at the very least don’t make it easy for him to avoid it.

@ijustneedanamefgs yeah they can that's what OP is saying the CMS have to give the paying party opportunity to stick to paying 1st. What sort of job does he do OP? Unless he's self employed or willing to give up his job he will have to pay. Legally he has a moral obligation to pay for his daughter it does not matter how children come about the courts don't get into that.

Keep communication to a minimum I wouldn't engage about irrelevant things OP.

They can take it at source OP

Just sit tight. CMS are dealing with it. Worst case senario you're exactly where you are now because he's giving you nothing, you have zero to lose by leaving it open and letting them do their job even if it did get written off. You either have what you have now or gain money for your child.

He is ruining his own life by not fulfilling his legal bare minimum obligations to his child. You can total up how much you've spent on your child. How much you'll be spending a month on childcare, clothes, housing, heating etc. You are managing to pay for it, so clearly he can afford his (likely far less than 50%) contribution, he just doesn't want to.

If he doesn't pay they'll take it from the source, he can screw himself up changing jobs, becoming self employed and making it look like he earns nothing (which would become an issue for him should he want credit/mortgage/finance), he can leave the country. But he's the one inconveniencing himself to do so rather than simply doing his legal bare minimum as a parent of contributing to his childs upbringing. If he wants to play silly buggers let him play. Ignore his whinging. No need to make it easy for him by cancelling it. If he wants to not pay make him damn well work for it and inconvenience himself to do it.

He might refuse to pay and force the attachment of earnings order. However, that would mean his employer knowing he has such an order in place to CMS. It obviously wouldn’t give further details but he might find that embarrassing at work?

He isn’t going to get 50/50. Day you are still breastfeeding exclusively even if you aren’t. Stick to your guns and let it play out. Obviously keep all his messages.

Wowzers. This thread has been a ride. Well done on sticking it out OP. You're doing what is right by your DD. Your ex is a lowlife.

Do let us know when you get that first CMS payment!

Well it's fine, if he doesn't pay the first payment they will move to take it out his wages

Just block him, the money will turn up

Thanks all for the support, I honestly really appreciate it. It's tough being on my own with a little one but even tougher dealing with someone like this.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs I found your post really helpful and it's helpful to think of the effort he would potentially have to go to in order to avoid paying, in the sense that he would be massively inconveniencing himself.

He is rather high up in a professional job, he definitely used to talk of his amazing "reputation" a lot. I do think if his employer or other people knew he would find it very embarrassing. I've realised since things ended that he is very image conscious.

How many payments do they let him miss before they try and do collect and pay?