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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go straight to CMS?

240 replies

zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 07:16

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

OP posts:
CaloundraBlues · 05/06/2023 17:00

zzzzebra · 05/06/2023 16:50

Thank you all for your responses, very helpful to read and calm me down.

He said he has a family solicitor but they clearly haven't advised him if he is so very shocked to get a call from CMS? And with an attitude of "how dare I?".

He also threatened my job and said he'd make sure I lost it if I go to CMS, as if I want to play games so can he? I felt rather threatened by this (not sure what he could do!) should I report to the police.

Yes. I would get it logged

CrazyLadie · 05/06/2023 17:10

zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 07:28

@Aftjbtibg when I was pregnancy I asked of his plans to help support her and he said he would "help where he could".

We haven't been on the best of terms and I'm terrified of creating bad blood between us.

I just didn't know whether to give him some time before bringing it up as I don't want to ruin her first few weeks.

Or I can go down the "I'm letting CMS handle it route" so we don't have to talk about it like PP has said.

1,000% go through CMS unless he is self employed as its easier to hide cash that way. In 6 figures ya will be looking at 1k+ per month 😉

cushioncovers · 05/06/2023 17:26

He's bluffing op.

Makemyday99 · 05/06/2023 17:34

Just go through CMS, he cannot avoid paying support unless he is on benefits or self employed, no solicitor can change that & if he tells you differently he’s a liar. He has a legal responsibility to pay for his child just because he doesn’t like it he can’t fight it.

P3N · 05/06/2023 17:40

It's not pay per view. You won't be separated from a newborn baby. Contact will have to be built up, it's not just granted, it has to be worked on and agreed upon.
CMS is a different thing altogether, he needs to pay for his child. He can't get out of that obligation unless he doesn't have a job. Don't panic OP.
Also consider mediation.

KatherineJaneway · 05/06/2023 17:54

cushioncovers · 05/06/2023 17:26

He's bluffing op.

This ^^ Using every measure to try and stop you. Ignore him.

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/06/2023 18:06

He absolutely cannot do anything with your texts - he IS the father and whether he or anyone else on here likes it or not, he is legally responsible for the CMS minimum at the very least. Its irrelevant whether he always wanted it, never wanted it, changed his mind half way along or whatever. A solicitor cannot do anything to get him out of this other than advise him to challenge the paternity, which it sounds like would be futile so if he wants to, let him. Now you have the CMS claim in, once his paternity is established, they can backdate it. So many women do not get what they should because they are so keen not to rock the boat, keep things amicable etc, and I do get why but that ship has sailed. He's clearly not someone who is going to be a positive or regular part of their child's life, or yours, so go very calm, legal and objective. There's a LOT of advice available online and you don't need a spendy solicitor even if it does end up in court. Good luck.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 05/06/2023 18:10

He's bluffing, he KNOWS he has to pay. If he thought he could get out of it he'd have just taken you to court. Instead he is escalating with threats to your job etc. The job you need to keep a roof over his kids head, especially as he is resisting paying. He's being a total knob. Why? Because he knows he'll be forced to pay!

He's just going to keep escalating with threats to whatever he thinks will get you to back down to see what lengths he has to go to to get his way, because he knows the legal route will not support him.

Be strong now. Report to police, grey rock him. Do not waver. If you do he'll know he can get away with it. Establish the hard boundary now. I will not be threatened, you will not get away with shitty behaviour. Because if you give in now he will threaten the same stuff again the next time he doesn't like something, and the next. I'm sorry he's such a dickhead.

MoonGeek · 05/06/2023 18:19

Well done for going through CMS. Now you need to stick with it. He should make a fair contribution to bringing up his child and CMS is the the way we have of ensuring that.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 05/06/2023 18:36

Thank you all. I don't know what I was expecting but it has really shaken me. He isn't a nice man.

I can't believe after not seeing her for weeks that CMS happen to phone while we were having contact.

It's good to know he's unlikely to be able to use text messages against me. I just want what is best for my child.

I think I've been more than fair towards him given how he carried on for most of the pregnancy, he hasn't seen her much at all but when he has asked I've made sure it happened (there was only one time I couldn't due to pre existing plans I had).

I've been very kind a civil towards him, have given him updates on her when asked and photos as well.

While I've been waiting for CMS all this time he never brought up contributing anything, he's never bought her anything or asked if she needs anything.

So although it's going to be tough I am glad I started the process as he clearly had no intention of being forthcoming.

He said today that he has been putting money away for baby. "For HER not for YOU" he said. I feel very shocked and upset.

OP posts:
Morningcoffeeview · 05/06/2023 18:38

Child maintenance is outside the jurisdiction of a family court - CMS has legal jurisdiction. The family lawyer can’t help him.

TheWernethWife · 05/06/2023 18:54

As I said before, keep your baby away from him, he is a bloody disrace and a disgrace to all decent men.

Fandabedodgy · 05/06/2023 19:13

Bluff and bluster. He is just threatening you. Ignore him and press on with your claim.

What an arsehole he is.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/06/2023 20:02

He can be as cross as he likes Op but if he's the babies DF then he has financial responsibility for his child. A lot of men seem to think that if they want you to have an abortion and you choose not to then it absolves them of anything going forward, this is, of course, nonsense. The whole thinking you'll use the CM for yourself is also typical of this sort of man. Go on with your claim and let him rant, the law is on your side and your childs

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 05/06/2023 20:37

He can't escape paying cms. He can't decide he isn't the df.... He can't sue you for having a dc against his wishes... He has no power here at all.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 05/06/2023 21:34

The whole situation is sad. I love my daughter very much. I'd never have a child "for money". Even if there is a contribution from him, as her main carer my costs will be way over and above anything he pays over the time I am raising her.

I know she's not "pay per view" but it does make no sense that he's been wanting to see her but then has this attitude towards contributing to her upbringing.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 05/06/2023 21:46

Well he's a piece of work.

Go to CMS. Expect a long haul because the wheels turn slowly. Do it for your baby.

It's worth it. Your baby deserves to be supported by both parents. Not just you, struggling alone.

Behaving like this about a planned baby is despicable. (Its still awful in an unplanned pregnancy, but this is off the scale)

cushioncovers · 06/06/2023 08:01

Sadly there are many many men who react like this op when they realise their precious income will be affected. They seem to think the 'state' will financially raise their offspring. Try to ignore him, he will get used to the idea. Keep your conversations with him centred on your child and how any contributions will be for her.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 06/06/2023 08:42

@cushioncovers I work and don't get any benefits so he knows it wouldn't be the "state", it would be me.

I don't understand how he thinks he can pop around and play Dad for a few hours every month and I'm just going to work and support her for the next 18 years while he gets to do that and not put a cent towards his child's upbringing.

He acted like I was such an awful person. I haven't slept a wink due to how anxious this has made me.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 06/06/2023 09:01

Do this for her.

It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. Try not to let him in your head.

TheWernethWife · 06/06/2023 15:04

Don't be anxious OP, he's a bloody knobhead. Any decent court will see through his fuckwittery. He cannot affect your job in any way, what he going to tell your manager "she wants money for the baby", shock horror.

I had a knobhead like this, divorced him due to DV, he re-married and didn't see our children for 8 years, they had no time for him, they knew who had brought them up and worked all hours to provide them with a decent home.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 06/06/2023 15:23

He has sent me further abusive text messages today, calling me a liar and manipulative.

He also said we could have "sorted it between ourselves" however this directly contradicts his reaction yesterday where he made it clear he had no intention of supporting her as keeping her was my choice.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 06/06/2023 15:42

My suggestion is to keep all these texts. But not respond to them unless there is a clear question regarding contact with your daughter.

Of course 'Liar and manipulative' describes himself. Gaslighting.

cushioncovers · 06/06/2023 16:27

He's still trying to call your bluff op. Don't fold. Keep the texts as evidence if needed and just continue on with your life. Don't even read them. Turn off your read receipts and archive him on WhatsApp. Arrange a specific time for him to see his child if he wants to and don't deviate from it. You are in charge and you are your child's advocate.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/06/2023 18:17

Don't give in Op, you are doing what's right for your DC. When he says you could have settled it between you he means he didn't want to offer you a reasonable amount, he could also use it as blackmail, you don't do as he wants and suddenly there's no money.
He's showing his true colours now so you shouldn't feel guilty @zzzzebra, he wants to see his DC but only when you're doing the childcare, he doesn't want to pay, he didn't even want your baby to be born. In your place I wouldn't feel guilty, I'd feel bloody angry