To go straight to CMS?

[zzzzebra]

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

I think this is terrible advice personally.

Going through CMS is not "war". It is taking the responsibility off of you to have to potentially chase a man for money he owes his child.

"What the hell does a newborn like? No idea, so I'll play safe and wait till she asks" - why would "she" know any more than he would? This is both of their first child - she is just as experienced in child rearing as he is. And the child is as much his responsibility as hers.

In terms of coming to an agreement about maintenance being better for your baby; that literally makes zero sense. And in terms of it being better for your sanity, I strongly disagree. Why should she have to be in charge of the money he owes his child? She will be worrying if he is going to "change his mind" every week or month about payment, just like he changed his mind about the child they agreed to conceive together.

She shouldn't be pleased that he is doting and should not have to encourage it. Again, that baby is just as much his responsibility as hers. He should be extremely grateful that the mother of his child has done everything that he hasn't for the baby so far.

OP, please do not be made to feel like you are out for his money, that you should be grateful for any contribution (financial or otherwise). I will say it until I'm blue in the face - this baby is just as much HIS responsibility as yours and, if he isn't going to step up in any other way, financially supporting HIS CHILD is the absolute least that should be expected of him.

Get onto CMS and do not let him make you feel any kind of way. This is for your child.

I totally disagree that CMS is going to war, it should be the way things are done to ensure the arrangement is formal. This should then take away any arguements about it and you can both concentrate on coparenting. He has alrady suggested he won't really pay so this is the best way to do it.

I don't understand the posters at all that are saying that I shouldn't have continued with the pregnancy because he changed his mind?

It seems awful to me to abort a baby after 12 weeks that was planned?

And this wasn't what my post was about at all.

Those posters should be ashamed of themselves! I can't even believe anyone would say this.

Don't wait for him to step up.

Go to CMS immediately.

I think from reading the replies something like this may be the best way to go.

Go to CMS and word it to him in a way that it's best that they handle that side of things.

I'm worried about him getting upset and maybe not seeing her or something but I guess that isn't my problem right?

I'm trying to be reasonable but judging from past behaviour such as leaving it all to me to get ready for her and the past comments made, as well as the responses here... I think it's unlikely he will make any offer to contribute.

I just felt maybe now she is here he might change his tune but my gut is that he probably won't.

For those who asked, I do have a decent-ish professional job, think nurse, teacher etc. but not particularly well paid. I can do it myself but some contribution from him towards her would help a lot.

Plus I don't see why he should swan in and out and play doting Dad and say he misses her etc but not be helping with her costs.

Categorically not saying that. It's your choice, and should be. Not particularly productive to try and claim that's been said to then act horrified. That's just deflection.

You made a choice. The right choice for you However, if someone is against that choice, over which they had no control, you can't get shitty with them for not doing things the way you like. You knew you'd be doing this alone. Why the expectation of gifts? You clearly thought he'd come round. But you didn't ever come round to what he wanted, so why the double standard of expectations?

You really wanted the child. He really didn't. Why should he respect your life long decision, while acting like you don't have to respect his?

@TwinsAndTiramisu your posts are disgusting. Normal people don't think the way you do.

He had a choice, and that was when he had unprotected sex with me and tried for a baby.

As for "come round"... I'm not even sure what to say to that. My expectations of him generally are so little because he's done nothing the whole pregnancy. I asked a couple of times then gave up and just got on with things myself and kept minimal contact. I haven't begged him to help me or anything like that.

He's the one that begged and begged and begged to be at the birth. I didn't want this as I didn't feel comfortable and supported. I tried to do the right thing and he came in after to see her.

I've said above that "gift" was the wrong wording. I guess what I mean was that I thought (not expected) that MAYBE when he came to visit he may come with something for HIS CHILD... given he's been saying that he misses her, loves her, life has changed for the better etc...

OP I'm sorry you think my posts are disgusting. They don't agree with your train of thought, for sure.

The simple fact is, you are both responsible for the conception. Then, someone for months told you they didn't want to be a father and disengaged from you and the pregnancy. But you clearly think he should feel a certain way, as you say about "HIS CHILD" when simply, that's not how he feels. And you can't make him. He's allowed to not want to be a father. Bit late to realise at 12 weeks, the horse has bolted then, but he did tell you early enough for you to make a choice not to continue with the pregnancy alone. You chose not to, admitting you thought he'd change his mind when the baby was here. And that's absolutely fine, you made the right decision for you.

He can't shirk his financial responsibilities, that's not in question. But I'm lost as to why you think he would feel obligations in any other sense. It's hard, as a mother especially, to imagine how the other parent could not want to be a part of the child's life, but for him, he can't imagine feeling how you do.

Except no one did say that.

Just that when someone very clearly understands that they are having a baby as a lone parent, why they then have expectations (bar financial support) that they shouldn't have to operate like a lone parent.

@TwinsAndTiramisu you haven't read my posts properly and you're just making stuff up now to suit what you want to say.

I don't have the time or energy for you.

Thank you so much to everyone that has been helpful.

@TwinsAndTiramisu in what way am I not operating like a lone parent

This post is asking about financial support and approaching that- nothing else!

I don't understand why you think it might be unreasonable to go to the CMS from everything you have said here!

You are. I appreciate you have done the pregnancy alone. And in the first week since birth, he's now too busy with work to see the child.

But your posts insinuate that you him to behave like some form of father by now. And I don't get why, given what he's told you and the way he's behaved.

His words are odd, in the "I love her, life's changed" sense, whilst then not seeing her because of being busy at work. Is this him thinking he's being kind with lip service whilst you are exhausted in the first week of having a newborn?

Out of interest, is this his first child?

What a load of bollocks. I absolutely despise posts that are written in a manner that suggests that the poster is trying to be helpful when they’re just spewing crap and deliberately twisting the OP’s words.

The OP’s ex is learning that actions have consequences. He consented to becoming a father when he actively tried to conceive a child with the OP for 5 months. The fact that he then changed his mind doesn’t mean OP also had to. I mean, what if instead of changing his mind at 12 weeks pregnant he had changed his mind after the birth? Would he still have been able to shirk his responsibilities as a father at that stage?

Given that it’s the OP’s ex who desperately wanted to be at the birth, asks for photos daily and talks about how much he loves and misses the child, it sounds to me like he wants the upsides of being a father and none of the downsides. Either way, he should pay for the child he helped to create.

I mean, what if instead of changing his mind at 12 weeks pregnant he had changed his mind after the birth? Would he still have been able to shirk his responsibilities as a father at that stage?

Well, yeah? Why are we all doing this faux pretence that men don't just walk away from children? Why the surprise and indignation that they guy who said "I don't want this child" is "too busy" to turn up and hasn't even bought a teddy.

He can't ever walk away from the CMS deducting money from his account, no. Unless he's goes self employed and creative accounting.

But why the whole "so he can just shirk everything else eh????!!!!" when we all know, yes, absolutely, he can, many do, and there's nothing OP can do about that.

You don't have to like it. But it's the truth.

Jesus OP, shrug this guilt off your shoulders! He planned for and wanted this baby, abortion isn’t a contraception choice for flakey men. He doesn’t get to not pay for the baby he planned and helped make, he doesn’t get to change his mind afterwards, it’s too fucking late. You should feel angry, not guilty. Angry that he planned to bring this life into the world and then changed his mind as if it was a dish at a restaurant, he then tried to push you into having an abortion, and then declared he wasn’t going to be a proper parent to this life he helped create. He’s had 9 months to get used to it, he doesn’t need any more time.

I think women these days are so terrified of being labelled a gold digger that they keep fucking themselves over to prove to shithead men that they aren’t one. But this money isn’t for you, it’s for your baby and you are simply your baby’s advocate. I’d text him and tell him you’re just about to put in a CMS claim but thought you’d run it past him first to see if he would prefer a private arrangement - if he does though, do NOT accept any less than the CMS amount.

They’re dick panderers who think men should have the right to plan a baby with a woman and then force her to get an abortion when he later changes his mind, because women are just vessels after all.

Abortion is not a male contraceptive choice.

Abortion is not a male contraceptive choice.

100% correct. No one said it should be.

He sure as hell seemed to think it was.

He's entitled, to say, I made a mistake, I'm not ready for this, I can't do this. But he can't make a choice, nor expected too. That's solely OP. He just told her what he wanted, not demanded or forced her to go along with it.

When I was expecting DTwins, I was so sick, I genuinely thought of a termination. DH was aghast. And there would have been sod all he could have done if I'd decided too. That's all men can do. State how they feel, then that's it, they get the decision we make. Two people conceive, absolutely. Then one person holds all the power. It's right that women do, but women then have to be equally accountable for that, not just "well, he got me pregnant."

No, that’s not all he did, he told her that he wasn’t going to be a parent (in so many words) as it was her choice to have the baby. That’s bullshit, that’s tricking a woman into pregnancy and being a single mother. That’s bringing a life into this world that you then intend to just abandon, and that does seem to be a choice for men, just opt out.

I'd also do this. But let him know if baby needs anything.

@TwinsAndTiramisu you've completely gone off on a tangent here, and a weird one at that.

All I was asking was about financial support, for a child he helped create, willingly.

The mention of the fact he hasn't contributed to preparing for her or made any gestures such as a token teddy or "something" since she has been born, is for context. These actions say to me that he probably isn't going to willingly contribute.

All I was asking was if I WBU to go to CMS now or should I give him more time given he's doing his doting Dad business rn.

And BTW- you have absolutely NO IDEA what happened. He didn't simply tell me nicely he didn't want her and ask me to consider abortion. He ruined what should have been one of the most special days of my life by cornering me inside the dining room and screaming in my face to have an abortion and that I was ruining his life. He's never scared me or been abusive or aggressive but I was so scared that I called the police.

So before you keep inventing things, making assumptions and putting words inside his and my mouth- maybe stop and think.

He made a bad choice but he may feel differently now there's an actual baby but that's not your problem. I'd get the money issues sorted and not let him dictate to you about contact. If he wants to be a Father now he'll have to change his ways. Don't let him dictate to you about photos or when he sees the baby, sort out proper arrangements. He's either in or he's not