To go straight to CMS?

[zzzzebra]

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

CMS are not interested if he did or didnt want a baby. His sperm produced a baby. End of ….. and 15% of his salary to you and for your lovely baby. Thats the law.

The court have absolutely NO power to stop child maintenance. Don't worry about that.

Report his harassment and threats to the police. Insist they warn him to stop.

Keep on at CMS for payment. They can require DNA tests

What a vile man child he is.

Oh gawd, what an absolute shit.

I admit now I haven’t got to the end of this thread yet, so apologies if I’m about to repeat what other people have already said.

I would be wary of putting him on the birth certificate. Once he’s on it, that gives him legal guardianship that is pretty irreversible.

He already seems to think he can pick up and put down his role as Father, and has done a brutal u-turn on you while pregnant. If he disappears and then suddenly decides in another 5 years time that he’s ready for Fatherhood now, he can do things like turn up at school or Nursury and remove your child and you can’t legally prevent it without a prohibited steps order. And then he may decide he doesn’t fancy it again, and on and on, and his name on the certificate does give him the ability to intervene and control decisions you make about your child’s upbringing. I’m not an expert on how the birth certificate issue affects CMS but a PP has said it didn’t cause her any issues, so I’d look into that.

I also agree with other posters that you should go straight to CMS. If you give too much warning he may hide or obscure his earnings in readiness for assessment. The CMS application process is very quick and easy by the way.

Congratulations on your baby! Don't let all of this with him ruin this precious time for you.

Part of me is regretting putting the claim in now as I can't cope with this abusive while trying to look after a little one on my own

That's what he's aiming for - to grind you down so that you stop pursuing what is owed to his child.

But you don't have to stop the claim to stop the abuse. Lots of great suggestions from PP regarding blocking him and only communicating with him via dedicated email address that a friend screens for you. You cannot change him, but you can change how you respond to him.

Another vote for keeping ALL of his abusive messages. I'd give Women's Aid a ring, explain the situation and see what they advise. I don't think you can "log" his behaviour with the police but you may want to pursue a non-molestation order or similar. This could all be important if he did decide to pursue contact (though, like other PPs, I think that would be too much like hard work for him).

I'm glad I came back to this thread- it's given me a little boost to know others don't think I've been unreasonable or done the wrong thing.

It's upsetting that at such a vulnerable time in my life pregnancy and as a new mum that I have been treated this way... it's baffling to think what he must be telling people? Surely if he told anyone that he hasn't been helping with his child/hasn't contributed/is threatening/bullying mum over money they would think he is a terrible person?

He won't be telling the truth to anyone. Just ignore him and wait for the CMS, if he says anything else about wanting a DNA test and getting legal say fine you are happy to have everything set up properly you and he both know she's his so if he can try and lie to himself that she's not that tells you everything you need to know about him as a person and while your in court you will be looking for there to be a schedule for his contact.

You haven't done anything wrong, he's shown himself to be an abusive arsehole and he's throwing his weight around and having a tantrum when he hadn't got what he wants.

He wants to shame you into not asking for money, shame for having that beautiful baby of yours. He knows he's the one that should be ashamed so he's trying to turn it around on you.

Limit contact as much as possible and let him fight for what you were willing to give. You know you're in the right.

Nobody is going to have any sympathy for a man who got their long term partner pregnant and then fucked off and left her holding the baby.

I would be sending him one final text that all further correspondence is via an email address and that your daughter is entitled to CM.
He has chosen not to contribute in any way towards his child and has shown no interest in her.
He should contact you going forward via email and he is welcome to organise a DNA test.
Note that the baby was the planned result of TTC after a 3 year relationship. He changed his mind and put enormous pressure on your to abort after 12 weeks.
You refused to do so and are delighted that your daughter is healthy and well.
Contact me via email only going forward.

He is utter scum.
But be very wary.

A school friend of mine was in a similar situation but 30 years ago.

She got pregnant, unplanned, in a relationship during her last year doing a law degree.

He wanted her to abort, she refused.

She came from a wonderful family who supported her and she went on to finish her studies.

He had zero involvement for 5 years.
Never paid maintenance and she luckily didn't need it.

He contacted her after 5 years asking to meet.
Turns out he was engaged to a woman that was unable to have children and she was encouraging him to seek contact.
He was only doing so to humour her.

It was very stressful for her and she was hugely grateful for her legal background.

Within months they were looking for overnights and mentioned shared custody as they could provide a traditional setting.

My friend was furious as it was clearly driven by his, now wife.

She had several very very stressful years with back and forth.

After about 4 years of this they adopted a baby and they both lost interest practically overnight.

The wife was obviously busy with her new baby and he went back to being the selfish disinterested prick he always was.
They were within months down to an afternoon every couple of weeks and my friend was left with the fallout.

My point is, keep everything you have that reflects him to be the real low life he is.

You never know what can happen.

He certainly will not be telling anyone the background of your daughters birth, so keeping all correspondence will make it very easy for you to so, should the need arise.

Any guff from his family, send it on to them.

I would be absolutely devastated if either of my boys behaved this way.

Devastated, mortified and so ashamed.

Stay strong.

He will absolutely threaten joint custody in the hope it will scare you off.
Tell him it would probably be a good thing for you as it would give you some evenings and weekends to yourself, and maybe even let you date in a few years - he'll drop the whole idea if you paint it as it being a benefit for you.

You were all right. He is threatening 50/50 custody.

What are the chances?

We live almost 2 hours apart now.

He has seen your baby twice since she was born. There is not even a slight chance he would be given 50/50 custody. There is even less of a chance he will be willing to put in the work to even make it a possibility in the future. Politely tell him to get a solicitor but in the meantime you will be claiming via the CMS.

You need to put on your big girl pants here OP and fight for what your child is entitled to. There is no way, absolutely zero chance of him getting 50/50. Plus he can't even be arsed coming to see her! Of course he is going to threaten you, dont be daft enough to fall for it. Remain polite, grey rock any nastiness and crack on.

He's actually suggested she attend two schools when she's older so we can have 50/50 but still live in our respective locations... he's deluded right?

Yes hes deluded and I'm worried you need to ask.

He has made no effort to see your child so he will not get 50/50. Also separating a newborn from its only carer is not going to happen, especially if you are breastfeeding. If he goes to court a sensible approach would be building up contact gradually, starting with an hour or so on his own when your child is a baby and building this up when they are a toddler. Mine did no overnights with their father until age 3.5. Now they are older, they do every other weekend with him.

Remember, it is best for your child to have a relationship with their father, and family court is the process for this to be agreed. If you have a court order then you can ask for police involvement if he ever refuses to return them. This is rare, but it is worth having IMO. (I have had to use it.)

Also, If you live two hours apart he will not get 50/50 when your child is school age because he won't be able to do school drop offs. It is just not practical.

You need a solicitor. And in the meantime, go through CMS. Good luck xx

Yes, deluded. This will not happen.

Keep all communications. Take screenshots. They show he is not putting the child first.

@MoonGeek has it just right Op, keep all these messages just in case. He can't seriously believe any child attends 2 schools, he's still trying to frightened you off the CMS

Hang on in there OP. he is trying to frighten you into giving up.

As you say CMS is best legal minimum and I would continue with that claim whatever he says because you can't rely on him complying with a court order. No court will award him 50/50 with your living circumstances as they are and in view of his history with regard to her. Keep every text and message to show how he has been.

So he abandoned a planned for child?
Tried to bully you into an abortion?
Then bullied you after you refused?
Has zero interest in the baby?
Hasn't contributed a penny before or after birth.
Abuses you when you mention CMS?
Is now threatening you with 50/50 because you have applied for CMS?

Keep absolutely everything.
Let him spew his threats.

Ignore him.
Carry on with CMS.
Let HIM pay for court.

Call Womens aid for a chat and support.

He really is the very lowest of scum.

I'm scared I can't protect her.

I'm just feeding her and looking down and her and imagining having to be apart from her.

She wouldn't be here without me. Breaks my heart.

I've never tried to stop him having a relationship with her and the below doesn't mean I don't want him to. But it's just how he's been and his motivations now worry me.

I want what's best for her I really do.

It won’t happen, but it’s standard practice to try, so don’t be intimidated.
the real motivator for these claims is to avoid payment of CMS.
if he had a 50/50 court order, he’d weasel out of paying you a penny.

I want you to clear your head a second and focus on this advice-

Call refuge now and follow their advice through, no matter how hard it seems right now.

I suspect they will tell you not to let him visit in person AT ALL on the basis of abuse.

this is really important.

He can then take you to court for contact. Log the messages, abusive behaviour while together etc with the police now. They won’t do anything, but you’ll need the reports at court, if you ever get there.

if you have any form of informal contact now, the courts won’t go back on what has been established as a ‘status quo’

it might seem unreasonable right now, but it’s really important to hold the line and don’t get sucked into thinking you’re the terrible person keeping them apart. You have an abusive man on your hands and the only way forward with any contact, if there is any, is strictly regulated by the court or he will manipulate you the rest of your life. If he is serious about contact and behaves well, then he’ll get some. But chances are he won’t. The court procedure is long and few CMS dodgers/manipulators stay the course. He can pull your strings behind closed doors, but there is no hiding in court/with CAFCASS. Success would take a REAL and GENUINE desire to do what’s right for the child. And that, he does not have.

Really good advice above.

Has he suggested you're mentally ill, or in some way unfit for Motherhood? If not prepare for this in the near future.

I guess he changed his mind about paternity?

Have you blocked his number? Do. Don't give him headspace. Tell him to email from now on. Don't read his emails too often.

You're doing the best thing for you and your baby.

He's an abusive bully. He's trying to frighten you. The 2 school thing is ludicrous. If he wants to step up and build a relationship with his daughter, that would be great. He'll have to start demonstrating this now.