To go straight to CMS?

[zzzzebra]

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

Some people just want to find a way to blame women for everything. Call it internalised misogyny.

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

I would agree with PP and say get in touch with CMS ASAP. If you feel up to it, have one conversation with him where you ask him to pay willingly but don't let this issue consume your time with your baby and ruin your maternity leave.

I'm going back to work in May and it goes so quickly! I know everyone says that but it's so true, try and create a life with as little stress as possible and outsource this particular stress to CMS. Good luck

Legally as a parent you have a moral obligation to contribute to the upbringing on your own child. One would think this is quite obvious, no?

OP should not have to ask or tell anybody this. She's waited 9 months during the pregnancy. Go to CMS because it will be more reliable OP.

You have expressed your situation perfectly and I think you must be incredibly strong to have gone through your pregnancy and birth alone while facing such heartbreak and your baby will be inspired by you when she eventually understands.

Personally I'd send him a link to the calculator and schedule a formal chat in a neutral public setting preferably without baby where you can discuss the future for your daughter and what part (financial and otherwise) he's going to play in it.
Make it clear in writing what the agenda of the chat will be so he can't act surprised.
If it goes badly then you can go straight to CMS.

Out of interest is his family not interested in playing a role in their granddaughter/ niece / nephew's life
If this was my son I'd be mortified and offering you all the support I possibly could to have a relationship.

@zzzzebra I have to concur, it is weird.

You were trying for a baby. Conceived. All was fine, then at the 12 week point, he said the reality was, he wasn't ready for this, which ended up with the police involved. 8 weeks later he wants to reconcile. You don't want that. Arguments throughout when you ask for money which you're not entitled to, (because you've decided you don't want to be with him, and he's got no obligation to pay for your lone pregnancy) He asks to be at birth. You refuse. Wonder if it's unreasonable to have expected him to turn up with a teddy for "HIS CHILD". Now you're wondering if it will upset the apple cart to go directly to CMS. I think given the history, blocking him from the pregnancy, the birth, the police involvement, that's a horse that's pretty much bolted.

I think you need to ask yourself what you seriously want from this guy. Do you want him as a co parent, after having to call the police on him? I guess you must be hoping he plays this role or you wouldn't be querying whether he gets upset due to CMS action. Maybe take a few more days to let your body and mind heal from birth, to ascertain if this person is someone you are happy to leave your child with, for extended periods. From what you've said, yes, he'll get shitty if you involve CMS. You need to ask yourself, in the bigger picture and future of your child, does that matter?

It is clear what she wants. Money.

@TwinsAndTiramisu where on earth have I said arguments throughout? Inventing things again.

Where have I said I asked for money which I'm not entitled to? I never asked for money at all.

I simply said along the lines of "are you planning on supporting her or helping me get anything ready?" And he was vague and said he'd help where he could (but never did).

I called the police because I was genuinely scared. I'm not going to be made to feel bad about protecting myself and my baby.

I'm not going to be made to feel bad about not reconciling with someone who scared me and wanted me to abort my baby.

Despite me not wanting to reconcile, he did say at times he wanted to be involved but this went hot, cold, hot, cold and his actions never demonstrated that he was reliable.

I NEVER blocked him from the pregnancy, I said I kept contact minimal.

It's MY birth and I am the patient, I wasn't comfortable having him there. He came straight after. I'm not going to be guilted for that either.

Like you want my life story or something!

You are completely missing the point here- his actions at the moment don't match up. Take away all the above. Right now he is playing doting Dad and saying how much he loves her and life is amazing, even said he will never let her down. But not making any plans to financially support in her upbringing.

Just a thought Op, when he suddenly turned on you in your pregnancy, I wonder if there was someone else. If a man's been lying to another woman that his relationship has been over for ages then a baby on the way is hard to cover.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He's turned up twice and is now busy for the foreseeable. They are your words. I wouldn't call that doting dad.

I'm not inventing anything. From your previous discussions about money you said they didn't go down well. It's not an invention to interpret that as an argument.

This isn't about misrepresentation of guilt or someone trying to make you feel bad. If someone was that appalling you had to call the police, and told you to abort you child, you disregarded for the rest of the pregnancy, refused at the birth, why are you then discussing him as doting dad that you don't want to cause friction with? Why is it even a question?

The thing is it’s different and it’s real now

have a blunt chat about everything from access to money

as stupid as it sounds until the babies there it doesn’t seem real to some guys

You were 100% right not to have him at the birth, how would that have benefited you or the baby at all? It probably would have made it much harder for you.
Some women just bend over backwards to make excuses for dickhead men, just ignore it.

@zzzzebra i wouldn’t bother engaging with goady fuckers. Like all trolls, they feed off attention and disappear when they’re ignored.

Updating as CMS has finally contact him and I need advice.

He's had sporadic contact with baby and went over 6 weeks without seeing them. We recently met in a public place for him to see baby and CMS happened to phone him while we were together!

He became extremely angry with me, and threatened to "take me to court". He said he has text messages saved where I have said I will continue the pregnancy and have the baby without his help therefore I shouldn't be going to CMS.

Can he do anything with this?

I would just go to CMS. It means you don't need to spend the next 18 years discussing this with him. There is an external decision maker. Wish I'd done the same with my ex when we split, I did in the end but it would have been much easier if I'd done it at the start.

No, whatever you said is irrelevant he is the father and therefore owes CMS. There’s no legal “out” for him here.

Your texts would have no bearing on his requirement to pay via cms.

@zzzebra, if he wants to take you to court, that's up to him. If he tried to pressure you into having an abortion and then left I can't believe the court will see him in a positive light, especially if he earns a lot and is refusing to support the child. Just because you say something once in anger or hurt, that doesn't mean that is set in stone for the rest of the child's life. The court has nothing to do with the CMS calculation, but if you are worried you could call the CMS.

I think I need to speak to a family solicitor but tbh I can't really afford it.

If he did take me to court could he get out of paying CMS if he argues I text that?

He was trying to threaten and coerce me into an abortion.

"help where he could".

The cheeky twat, and as for threatening to take you to court, what grounds does he have apart from a few messages when you were trying to manage your pregnancy without support and trying to be brave. Keep the baby away from him, he's a bloody disgrace.

I doubt he could, I would be amazed if so. You could try the Coram Family Advice line, they are really helpful: childlawadvice.org.uk/clas/contact-child-law-advice/

Coram Family can't advise on Child Maintenance, but they can probably advise about the way he is behaving towards you. People say all sorts of things when they are upset, he said initially he wanted to baby as far as I can see, you could equally provide evidence of that. And the court does not interfere with CMS calculations. He is threatening you and trying to stop you from trying to claim through the CMS. Let him take you to court if he wants.

OP,

NO - he can’t ‘get out’ of paying CMS because of texts saying you will keep a (planned!) pregnancy despite his wishes / without his help.

CMS is a legal obligation. He made a choice to have unprotected sex and now has to, quite literally, pay the price.

I would encourage you to trust the process with this one. As others have said, there are various support options to deal with how he is treating you (the threatening langue etc), but in the case of maintenance payments, trust the process. You’ve contacted CMS, leave it to them for now!

Bahahaha....he can take you to court all he likes but all that means is that he will have to pay and likely end up with court ordered contact. Let him tantrum, let him threaten....cms can take his money

@zzzzebra let him take you to court. He is legally responsible for CMS, a text from you saying you'll have a baby without his help doesn't absolve him of that. Besides, 'without his help' doesn't even mean financial, it could mean without you two being together and him living with you helping care for baby physically.

He likely won't go to court, he's trying to scare you out of CMS. If he did go to court, he'd have to pay legal fees on top of CMS, he could get contact but considering his reliability so far that won't last long! He'll just look a right git to the judge. Any solicitor he sees about applying to court will tell him he's an imbecile.

He can’t take you to court for cms as you said you’d do it alone, lol. It’s a legal obligation. He’s threatening uou and bullying you as he doesn’t want to pay for his own kid. What a piece of shit he is.

Thank you all for your responses, very helpful to read and calm me down.

He said he has a family solicitor but they clearly haven't advised him if he is so very shocked to get a call from CMS? And with an attitude of "how dare I?".

He also threatened my job and said he'd make sure I lost it if I go to CMS, as if I want to play games so can he? I felt rather threatened by this (not sure what he could do!) should I report to the police.