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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go straight to CMS?

240 replies

zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 07:16

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

OP posts:
Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 09:34

I would ask him about it first, say ot text him that you'd like to agree on his child maintenance payments. If he doesn't play ball then go to CMS.

Favouritefruits · 29/03/2023 09:43

Go through CMS from the beginning, you don’t want the stress from handling it yourself. save yourself from; ‘is he going to pay this month’ ‘how much will he give me this week’

ijustneedanamefgs · 29/03/2023 09:45

I would say talk to him about it. But you need to get the idea out of your head that he would be doing you some favour paying it. He’s not giving it to you, he’s paying to support his own child because that’s what parents have to do. Your child can’t advocate for themselves so you need to do it.
He didn’t need to bring his child a gift, but he should be bringing nappies, clothes etc. To have contributed nothing at this point is not acceptable. You could/should ask him for half of the costs of cot, car seat etc etc but he doesn’t have to pay it. He does have to pay maintenance though, so that is the minimum you should expect (though I think in this case it may also be the maximum). Don’t let him make you feel money grabbing, and don’t justify yourself. You aren’t the one in the wrong, he is. Simple this is your child, she has needs, we are obligated as her parents to meet those needs and that includes financially.

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 09:47

Tbf he wouldn’t have had to pay cm until the baby was born anyway.

MrsMontyD · 29/03/2023 09:56

Definitely contact CMS as soon as possible, they won't backdate.

You can fill in a form online and they'll write to him to tell him how much he has to pay and when and he'll have the option to pay directly and avoid fees.

Sunsetandsmiles · 29/03/2023 09:58

Be careful OP. If you refuse to put him on the birth certificate he can claim the baby isn’t his and it will cause issues with CM until that is clarified, most likely by having to request a paternity test and can then delay things. Had it happen to a friend and it took months to sort.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 09:58

Don't feel guilty Op, he's trying to have his cake and eat it. He wanted you to terminate your pregnancy, he gave you no help or care and made it clear he considered the baby your financial responsibility but now he's asking for photos. If he wants to be a Dad now fair enough but he doesn't get to pick and choose, he fulfils his responsibilities

Original poster
zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:01

Sorry "gift" was probably the wrong wording... what I mean was that I thought he may bring something for his daughter... a teddy... I don't know just something given he's done nothing.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 10:02

Sunsetandsmiles · 29/03/2023 09:58

Be careful OP. If you refuse to put him on the birth certificate he can claim the baby isn’t his and it will cause issues with CM until that is clarified, most likely by having to request a paternity test and can then delay things. Had it happen to a friend and it took months to sort.

My ex isn’t on my child’s bc and he’s never denied paternity. Had no issues claiming

MrsMontyD · 29/03/2023 10:02

Sunsetandsmiles · 29/03/2023 09:58

Be careful OP. If you refuse to put him on the birth certificate he can claim the baby isn’t his and it will cause issues with CM until that is clarified, most likely by having to request a paternity test and can then delay things. Had it happen to a friend and it took months to sort.

My understanding is that CMS will backdate payments to the date the claim was made, once any issues are resolved, so its important to do it asap.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:02

@Morningcoffeeview I agree with everything you've said. I've had friends experience exactly what you have said. It's sad isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:03

@SpinningFloppa I know he wouldn't have had to pay CM until baby born... I just assume a decent person would have offered to buy some baby bits before she got here, but he left it all to me.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 29/03/2023 10:04

Tarantella6 · 29/03/2023 07:38

If he owes you £100, he'll have to pay £120 to CMS. If he's a high earner that 20% could be quite a lot, maybe enough to motivate him to just do the right thing?!

Just text him and say you're going to use CMS. If he earns 6 figures he's capable of using Google and figuring out the amount due.

This only applies if he falls in to arrears and has to pay direct to CMS.

OP - go straight to CMS today. They can't backdate it.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:05

@Sunsetandsmiles we aren't/weren't married so I can't put him on the BC anyway without him being there.

I know he can go on this at a later date if he goes down that route and I'm prepared for that.

I understand if he denies to CMS that it may go to a DNA test etc. but my understanding is they would backdate it to the date I contacted them so even if it takes some time to sort it won't mean he gets out of paying?

OP posts:
BeExcellent2EachOther · 29/03/2023 10:14

Yep, CMS today.

The money isn't for you it's for your child, that he created with you.

Also, with regards to photos, tell him he can take his own photos when he sees his child. You can bet he's not telling people that he knocked you up and then dumped you and left you to raise a DC with zero support; he'll be showing pictures that you send him to people and getting kudos for being a "doting dad".

AwayThenBack · 29/03/2023 10:15

zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:03

@SpinningFloppa I know he wouldn't have had to pay CM until baby born... I just assume a decent person would have offered to buy some baby bits before she got here, but he left it all to me.

But he’s clearly not a decent person. You already know this from his behaviour during your pregnancy , both when together and when your split. He has bought nothing for his child and hasn’t mentioned paying his way. He’s not decent. You should go via CMS and receive what your baby is entitled to from their father. I would use PP wording and email/write to him saying you wish to keep things neutral and have therefore applied to CMS to sort maintenance to keep it easier for you both however this is the minimum and he should contribute to other costs of the baby as and when needed. He sounds delightful 🙄

Pink139 · 29/03/2023 10:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as we do not believe that the poster is genuine.

ozoruk1 · 29/03/2023 10:19

is he self employed OP? Be wary if so as if makes it much easier for them to get away with paying the bare minimum even if they earn 6 figures

SpinningFloppa · 29/03/2023 10:21

zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:03

@SpinningFloppa I know he wouldn't have had to pay CM until baby born... I just assume a decent person would have offered to buy some baby bits before she got here, but he left it all to me.

Yeah but I’m guessing since you’ve already broken up the baby wasn’t planned? So perhaps that’s why he hasn’t wanted to contributed during the pregnancy as he wasn’t happy about it?

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 29/03/2023 10:22

Do you know roughly how much he earns? If so put it into the cms calculator and send him the screenshot and see what his reply is. If he gets mad then go straight to cms, if he wants to have a calm, rational chat about it then hear him out , then decide what route you want to go down. Is he an employee or self employed?

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 10:24

@BeExcellent2EachOther made my point about photos much more clearly. He's not helping but he's probably showing off his baby to his mates and letting them think he's being a good Dad. Why should he get to take any credit and do nothing

Sunsetandsmiles · 29/03/2023 10:33

zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:05

@Sunsetandsmiles we aren't/weren't married so I can't put him on the BC anyway without him being there.

I know he can go on this at a later date if he goes down that route and I'm prepared for that.

I understand if he denies to CMS that it may go to a DNA test etc. but my understanding is they would backdate it to the date I contacted them so even if it takes some time to sort it won't mean he gets out of paying?

They will backdate it but all that will do is add an arrears onto your claim. From personal experience, They’ll give a monthly amount to be paid and add a very small percentage on each month to chip away at the arrears but unless he is earning a lot that amount is usually negligible.

Original poster
zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:35

Daleksatemyshed · 29/03/2023 10:24

@BeExcellent2EachOther made my point about photos much more clearly. He's not helping but he's probably showing off his baby to his mates and letting them think he's being a good Dad. Why should he get to take any credit and do nothing

I agree with this and this is probably what he is doing... he was desperate to be at the birth and I couldn't understand why given he hasn't given me and help at all during the pregnancy. I think it was because he wanted to be able to tell people he was there and look like a good Dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
zzzzebra · 29/03/2023 10:36

@SpinningFloppa we were together 3 years and the baby was planned. We tried for a baby for 5 months. We are both in our 30s. I didn't pressure him or anything like that.

He decided after we went for the 12 week scan that he actually wasn't ready and asked me to have an abortion.

OP posts:
BelleMarionette · 29/03/2023 10:39

I would say talk to him first, but you updated to say you did mention it in pregnancy.

Maybe ask him to pay as per CMS rates again, otherwise you will need to use CMS?

CMS does have fees, so it would be better for that money to go to the baby.