To go straight to CMS?

[zzzzebra]

My baby is a week old. Father and I are no longer together. He contributed nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing during my pregnancy. He's bought not a single thing.

He has seen baby twice since the birth and did appear to dote on them... has asked for photos every day however has made it clear he is busy for the next week or so with work so won't be seeing baby again for a while.

He also turned up empty handed on both visits (I'm not sure if I WBU to expect he might turn up with a small gift for baby).

Anyway- money isn't an issue. He earns 6 figures.

AIBU to go straight to CMS (I am registering baby this week)?

OR should I wait a month or so a give him a chance to make an offer to help support her?

100% CMS straight away, you just don't to want to ever be in the position many people are where the baby's father just doesn't bother paying.

My cousin has had terrible issues with her ex not contributing enough, she asked for a tiny amount more after over 10 years of no increases (£20 a month that's all) he refused so she went to CMS and they are making him pay £150 a month more now which of course he's unhappy with, he offered to pay £100 instead but she said no that he had his chance and couldn't even be bothered to pay £20 when she asked so tough! He wanted to go travelling with his new partner (who he had cheated on my cousin with) so didn't want to pay any more maintenance!

Gosh, he sounds like a dick.

OP don't feel bad telling him he needs to contribute. It's the least he cn do. I would probably try work out what CMS would tell him to pay and say to him you expect maintenace payments of xxx a month, and it would be handy for him to start next week. If he refuses/ doesn't respond then go to CMS without a moment's hesitation. The reason I would do it that way is to give him a heads up before the CMS claim comes to him. Not because you owe it to him, but you are going to have to coparent together for the next 18 years or so, so I would at least try to start off with some line of communication between you.

Do you know how much he should be paying?

If so you could sound him out with a polite message along the lines of “Hi X, I have looked into the amount of child maintenance that we should set up and it’s £X per month, would you like to set up a direct debit now or would you prefer to do it through CMS?”

However the comment of “he will contribute where he can” makes me wonder if you should just go straight to CMS as it doesn’t seem that he has any intention of regularly paying…

@ozoruk1 he's not self employed thankfully.

As usual, the wrong information was provided. 20% is added only if he is moved to Collect and Pay if he misses any payment. The correct approach would be to use the CMS calculator and ask him to provide maintenance based on that figure as a minimum. Once you go to CMS, he will pay you that but don't be surprised if he doesn't contribute to anything else. CMS is a terrible organization that pitches one parent against the other to collect its 24% fee (20% from the paying parent and 4% from the receiving parent

Just wanted to say thank you for all the responses as well, it's really helpful to read everyone's thoughts.

I'm finding it such a tough situation and not sure what to do for best.

I would go through the CMS. They do the calculation based on his income which they obtain from HMRC. As long as he pays what they say he should there is no surcharge. And if he refuses to pay you can go back to them and they will add 20% and collect it from his salary. That should be a good enough incentive to pay, it certainly was for my ex. I think using the CMS puts a boundary between you and him so you don't have to discuss finances directly, which is useful if things are difficult between you.

Sorry you are going though this.

It sounds like he has convinced himself that by telling you he won't contribute and doesn't want the baby, that he won't have to pay. Expect him to be very angry when you contact CMS and he gets that letter. But this is not just about you anymore, he needs to provide for his child and regardless of how he reacts, you are doing the right thing.

He is only taking photos and wanted to be at the birth to try and show his family and his mates that he is a 'good guy'. Nothing else. He will not change now and step up and fulfil his responsibilities so best to banish any hope of that occurring.

The other difficulty is if you don't go through the CMS, you will have to renegotiate the amount each year with him as his salary increases. CMS will automatically base the amount on a percentage of his salary.

I'm far more comfortable personally if CMS sort things out as I don't want to deal with him directly and would rather keep it all official.

I just didn't know if I was jumping the gun by not giving him the chance to offer/step up.

Seems like the general consensus is just to go to CMS.

I think bearing in mind the background you should tell him when the birth registration appointment is and ask him if he wants to come too so he can be put on the birth certificate as the father.

As he made comments in the past about you going it alone afterwards if you continued with the pregnancy then I would just go straight to CMS as I would expect him to be difficult. If he isn't on the birth certificate then he'll possibly insist on a DNA test first...

He had sex with you, presumably he realised that pregnancy was a risk.

He's earning 6 figures... You shouldn't just have to 'scrape by'.

Look at the cms calculator... Know what the bear minumum he should be paying... Id open negotiating... And ask for more than this... (to account fir hus lack of support during pregnancy /set up costs).

If you think jes unlikely to pay, go CMS all the way... Hes presumably relying on your anxiety about discussing this to get out of paying a reasonable amount.

His helping 'where he can' may be like a friends' exes... One offered her 20£ weekly 🤣🤣... Where he should have been paying many times this.. The other promised 200£.monthly and paid it for 6.months, then stopped... The child is now at uni.

FIRST, you have a conversation with him and say "We're going to talk about both of our financial support for our baby." CMS is a back up, don't go to war yet.

The fact a man brought no present is nothing. If he's thought at all it would be something like "What the hell does a newborn like? No idea, so I'll play safe and wait till she asks".

If you can come to a willing, consensual agreement about maintenance, contact etc it will be so much betteer for your baby (and sanity) in the long run.

Be pleased he's doting; and encourage it.

Just go to CMS and don't feel a shred of guilt about it. Your baby, via you as her sole resident parent, is entitled to money from her father.

Just go to CMS, it's the best thing for your child to have financial security and he's not done anything throughout pregnancy or her first week of life to support her. He could've turned up with nappies, wipes, clothes and offered to purchase some of the baby equipment. He's already shown you his intention is not to contribute unless he has to!

Do it for your daughter.

@zzzzebra I would talk to him first. Tell him he needs to fulfil the legal obligations to support his child. You are happy to work out the CMS calculation with him and for him to pay it to you privately, if he is unwilling you will go through CMS formally. Give him a chance to pay it off his own bat.

He's not a decent person. The alarm bells should have been ringing months ago. I think you have completely unrealistic expectations of him. I wouldn't be 'discussing' anything. He's untrustworthy.
Your priority now is your DD. Go straight to CMS. Whatever he pays you'll still be shortchanged of the true cost of raising a child alone by many many thousands over the 18 years. He doesn't get to decide you have to financially do it alone. How arrogant.
Get angry.

I'd ask him, does he want you to go to the CMS or would he prefer you work something out between yourselves.

Hi OP. I think you need to take your feelings about him out of it.

You both wanted a baby. 2.5yrs together then trying for a baby isn't a LTR, imho, but that's what you guys did.

Imagine the shoe on the other foot. At 12 weeks, you had decided, I can't actually do this. Wanted the termination. But he refused one, and made you have the baby. Then imagine him berating you because you weren't supporting him and bringing presents after being forced to have this child against your wishes.

You continued, as is your absolute right, from 12 weeks, to have a child, in full knowledge of the other parents wishes. Were you crossing your fingers he'd come round? That's a gamble. And it doesn't appear to have worked.

You've had a child he didn't want, because only you get to make the choice if the pregnancy continues. That's the way it is. You both are responsible for the conception. You alone wanted a child for the rest of your life. You can't force someone be a father who told you categorically they didn't want to be. Why would you be expecting teddies and gifts? It's quite telling that you think in any way he should. His feeling is completely disregarded by you, yet you feel entitled that he should take yours into account.

You can, however force him to pay for the child, which is fair, as he is jointly responsible for the conception. It doesn't really matter whether he likes it or not, as his opinion hasn't counted for anything so far.

Don't let him go with you to register birth. Biggest let off I've ever had.

@TwinsAndTiramisu

Your post is disgusting. They planned and tried to have a baby.

Yes they both planned it. Then he realised it was not what he wanted.

Had OP decided that, he'd have had no choice.

6 figures and he hasn't bought anything yet?! Surely he should have offered to help fund the push chair, crib, newborn clothes etc. I don't think you're going to get a fair amount out of him if this is his precedent. I'd go through CMS.

As a lone parent, I think you were very foolish to continue with a pregnancy where you knew the other parent wouldn’t be happy to support your child. It’s not a decision I would make after several years of lone parenthood and co-parenting. However, perhaps you are financially independent and with ample family support?

However, now you’re in this situation I’d look to get as much as support as possible (it’s not just the money). When do you intend to go back to work? It will be easier to talk about finances if you have an idea of expenses including childcare. How do you imagine sharing care of the child in future? Have you discussed what care pattern would suit you both and how to build up to your ex taking care of the child independently? Plans for the future in terms of staying within a geographical area to allow an ongoing relationship with both parents? Eventually - aspirations for schooling?

The money is important but it’s a tiny part of a much larger conversation. CMS is the bare minimum level of support. Ideally you’d involve him as a coparent and agree how you’re both going to contribute to giving your child the best standard of living possible.

@TwinsAndTiramisu I certainly wasn't "crossing my fingers" that he'd "come round"... how insulting.

He actually wanted to get back together when I was about 20 weeks pregnant and I told him in no uncertain terms that we would never be together again. I would never accept a man who tried to guilt me into aborting a much wanted baby because he had a wobble and changed his mind after ejaculating willingly into me for 5 months