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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 29/03/2023 00:55

Maybe he needs to get away from your parents for a night. I would, if I were forced to embark on new parenting whilst living with the in-laws.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2023 00:56

Annoying, yes. But maybe your DH needs a few hours away from your parents? I would find that situation suffocating and would much rather muddle through the first few weeks as a couple.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 29/03/2023 00:56

It's a few hours, not a weekend away. Plus, if I were him I'd be finding it all pretty overwhelming trying to adjust to being a new parent while living in someone else's house. You've got your parents, it's fine.

Divorcedalongtime · 29/03/2023 00:57

Maybe he needs a break from your parents? It’s tough to live with in laws. Also generally I think 2 weeks after birth is fine, if it was the day after I would say it was selfish of him.

Divorcedalongtime · 29/03/2023 00:58

Wow, we all basically said the same thing lol

leccybill · 29/03/2023 01:03

It is a bit unusual if he's not normally out a lot. But maybe he needs a few hours away.

Has he been hands on with the baby generally? Congratulations by the way.

Skream · 29/03/2023 01:08

YABU. You have the help of your parents, he’s allowed to want a couple of hours away from his in laws

TeaAndTattoos · 29/03/2023 01:10

YABU he’s allowed a break for a couple of hours it’s not like he’s going off for a week he’s probably finding it difficult living with your parents with a new baby and you have your parents to help.

mackthepony · 29/03/2023 01:11

He's desperate to get out of the house

notangelinajolie · 29/03/2023 01:11

Congratulations 💐 Giving birth can be traumatic (I know been there done that) but he isn't leaving you alone, you have your parents to keep you company. I agree with previous posters - perhaps he feels a bit suffocated and needs to get out of the house for a bit. It's only for a couple of hours, it's not like he's leaving the country.

Drifta · 29/03/2023 01:14

A few hours here and there is fine I think. It's building up to you being without him all day once he's back at work.

However I would expect him to be asking you, not telling you, at this stage. We're many years into this now but still we never make any kind of arrangement without checking the other is ok to have the kids. It's simple respect and not taking each other for granted. Also so soon after the birth it goes double that he would check you are ok with it (though personally I do think you should let him go.)

Autienotnautie · 29/03/2023 01:16

My dh went to the pub to meet a few friends about a week after I gave birth. He was gone 3 hours max. It was fine and tbh the break did him good . As long as he's pulling his weight generally and giving you opportunities to rest I would be happy for him.

Floralnomad · 29/03/2023 01:27

You are staying at your parents , stop being silly .

Ponderingwindow · 29/03/2023 01:32

socializing when he has a 2 week old at home is a really selfish move. Work is a necessity, but you are still recovering from the birth. He should be at home as much as possible.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 29/03/2023 01:44

He's not abandoning you by getting out of the house for a couple of hours. When you feel ready there's no reason you can't arrange a coffee date or something with a friend. New parents don't have to be shut-ins!

thaegumathteth · 29/03/2023 01:50

You're tired and hormonal and you're being unfair. He is only going for a few hours and tbh maybe he's a bit overwhelmed by being with your parents all the time.

JudgeRudy · 29/03/2023 01:52

YABU - it's one evening, a few hours. Even if you werevin your own home alone, that's acceptable. He's also in someone else's home. No wonder he didn't take another week off.
As for not being especially sociable....he needs some space, but just as importantly he got some pretty big news to share.
Congratulations and hope the house move goes well. Save AL for later when you're in your own space and you can set up your home.

VimFuego101 · 29/03/2023 01:58

YABU, you have your parents to help for a couple of hours while he goes out. Equally, if you want to take a couple of hours away, he should be willing to take over so you can get a break.

bussteward · 29/03/2023 02:02

Fucking hell, these replies! It’s not unreasonable to want your husband around for a bit longer after any birth, let alone a pretty traumatic one.

Have you said this to him, OP? How is he with the baby generally? How is the baby – settled, or a raging dickhead in the evenings? And how are YOU?

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 02:11

He's amazing with baby generally. Very in love with her and does as much as he can. We're trying to exclusively breastfeed so he's doing what he can outside of the feeding.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2023 02:12

I can only imagine how miserable he is staying at your parent's home. Going out on one evening isn't too much to ask.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 02:13

I am very happy with baby too. But I guess I'm working through some stuff in my head about what happened during the birth... I haven't spoken to him about how I feel about him going but he does I didn't feel ready for him to go back to work yet and also he knows how traumatic I found the birth

OP posts:
TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 29/03/2023 02:13

Kindly OP, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable - especially as you’re at your parents and have them on stand-by

He probably does want an evening out - he’s a guest in someone else’s house for a longer period of time. That’s never fully relaxing, so I get he wants a break.

If you forbid him from going or guilt him into not going, the atmosphere round the house isn’t going to be all that enjoyable on the night.

Just talk to him.

Say you’re really struggling, and you’d appreciate it if he could just check in with you before making plans like this. In future, you’ll make every effort to say yes when he asks, but there might be times when you need to say no, and that has to be OK, too.

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 29/03/2023 02:14

I think you’re allowed to be a bit unreasonable a week after giving birth. But I think because you have just had a traumatic birth it’s not actually unreasonable to want your partner around, even though it would only be a few hours away from you.

I’m not on the least bit controlling normally, but after I had given birth, I would have been pissed if my partner decided that was the best time to reconnect with friends he hadn’t seen in ages.

Tell him how you’re feeling and ask him to see his friend in a couple of weeks time when you’re more recovered?

wandawaves · 29/03/2023 02:27

Sorry, but yes YABU. It really doesn't take 4 adults to look after 1 newborn.

Congrats on your baby.