DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

[HappyButHangry]

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

Yeah you are. He probably wants an evening away from your parents. You have them both to help you, you will be fine.

The PPs who say you could just ask him to hold off are right - 1 week PP you absolutely could. But I wouldn’t, because it would be unreasonable, and relationships and parenting are give and take.

Yes YABU. You have plenty of support and I imagine living with your parents is hard for your DH.

Well 80 odd % of people are saying the OP is BU, so no, it is the same.

I think if it actually is a couple of hours for dinner and then home and it doesn’t end up a full blown pissed night out then I’d be alright with it. You do have your parents help, but I can also understand you might want DHs help. I’ve lived with MIL for a few months years ago. It is not the same for your DH and he prob needs a bit of time out.

I think YANBU. It would be different if it was something he desperately wanted to do, but a friend he hasn't seen in over a year? I feel like that could easily have waited for a few weeks. To me this would feel like he doesn't realise how difficult it is with a tiny baby and how much support you need. Yes you have your parents, but that's not the same as the baby's dad.

Wouldn't bother me at all.

Becoming a parent doesn't stop you being a person in your own right.

You are staying with your parents. You have help. You aren't being left alone.

He probably needs some space and time alone with people who aren't your family.

It’s sad that so many women have such low expectations of their husbands/partners, especially after birth.

OP is a week post a traumatic birth, she’s clearly struggling, her husband has had to go back to work in the day and OP would therefore really appreciate her husbands support in the evenings for a while longer.

These comments like, toughen up, get a grip, this doesn’t bode well for future parenting, my husband left me to go away for work and I managed, grow up, single mums have to cope etc are disgusting and unnecessary. Women don’t need to suffer because other women do and we’re not all the same.

After one of my births, also traumatic, I only wanted that help from my partner. Thankfully he didn’t decide to reconnect with friends he hasn’t seen for ages 🙄 or even see his friends he sees often until I was feeling ready. And in fact 3/4 weeks post birth, I was feeling much, much better. After my other birth, I would have been fine on my own after a few days.

If my partner hadn’t realised I needed him, I’d have told him and he’d have changed any plans. Talk to him OP.

My husband went to the US on business two weeks after the birth of our second child who was 22 months at the time.It was fine and you will be fine also.

Sorry but yabu, its dinner, hes not going out on the piss for hours and hours. Doesnt take more than 1 person to care for a newborn -_- your just using excuses as to why you dont want him going out.

Having to share the most emotionally intense time of one's relationship, with ones in-laws 24/7 must be beyond shit. He has no privacy, you have no emotional privacy as a couple.

Given that on MN even having your in-laws pop round to meet the baby for an hour is a massive demand, I'm surprised that there isn't 100% support for someone escaping theirs for a couple of hours after a couple of weeks.

She's not on her own. She has two more adults, her parents, there as well.

@bussteward literally noone has said it's harder for him. Noone. What some of us have acknowledged is that is had been hard for him. We constantly bang on about wanting men to be more like us, be more involved, feel it more, but at the first sign they might be affected by the birth of their child they get told it's not about them and have no right to do anything but worship at the feet of their mother Goddess. And frankly, even if he was fine, a couple of hours having dinner out is not an issue when the op has other support, and her parents at that, not a random friend or nanny. As for her getting time off too... absolutely 100% as soon as she wants too and feeding allows, but that's very much her call. Does he have to wait 6 months or whatever to set foot away from baby apart from work if that what she chooses?

Agree. It's hardly urgent, is it? Love how so many posters on here are prioritising his feelings over yours.

But you're staying with your parents so surely there's lots of support on tap otherwise why do that?

Let him have one night off in a few weeks.

These comments like..., my husband left me to go away for work and I managed, grow up, single mums have to cope etc are disgusting and unnecessary. Women don’t need to suffer because other women do and we’re not all the same.

On the other hand OP can recognise her own privilege, to have three people supporting her. And I'm not sure that being reduced to two can be counted as 'suffering'.

It’s only for a few hours and you have your parents there, you’ll honestly be fine!

Parents aren’t the same as your partner. After my traumatic birth, I only wanted my partner. It’s only a week or so after so really not unreasonable.

There is a reason why PND is so high in this country compared to my country of birth , and it’s because of this stupid attitude to new mothers having ‘to get on with it’, and not spend the 4th trimester being cared for and supported by the wider village like they do in non western countries.
You know it's unlikely to be the husband supporting her in lots of these "non-western" countries, right? It would be her mum and other women. How lucky for the OP that she has her mum (and dad) just like the women in your "non-western" countries.

I'm guessing you don't mean Australia or Japan in this phrase!

OP wouldn’t feel comfortable and that’s what matters here. She’s just had a traumatic birth, it’s his child as well that she’s gone through that with. He can do something to make her feel more comfortable and hopefully if she speaks to him, he’ll see that.

They're both allowed feelings. His aren't being prioritised in general. But here's room for him to need to talk to someone too. Taking a few hours now, while OP has support from her parents, is very surely than doing it at some point in the future when it means leaving her alone?

Brutally, in ten years time you will look back and laugh at yourself for worrying about him going out for a few hours and whilst you are at your parents. Whilst you have other help so it makes more sense to save unpaid leave for when you move into the new place.

Forget small stuff like this and focus on the forward view and get some help to deal with the birth issues. DH may also need help to talk about this but its likely to be different help.

It’s ONE NIGHT!!! Just a couple of hours. You have plenty of help on hand.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. My partner did the same and I felt OK

I don’t see a mention of a pub? Has OP said he wants to go to the pub?

Yabu. He come back refreshed and I bet it's a break from your parents he most wanting. You safe with your parents. Congratulations op on the baby