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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
Babyladypoppyjessy · 29/03/2023 07:06

Hugs to you but your being unreasonable. 3 days after dc was born by DS went to a funeral all day. He Attended the wake and returned very drunk at 2am!!!! He needed to do that ! I I had my mum to help as I’d had a c section . So it was ok .

Albiboba · 29/03/2023 07:07

It’s quite funny because if it was you wanting to go to the pub and your husband said he didn’t feel ready for your to go out for the evening yet I can’t imagine the responses would be the same!

YANBU for wanting a bit more support, it’s not unreasonable to say you aren’t ready for him to go out to the pub. He can wait a couple of weeks until you’re a bit more recovered! Until then he can phone a mate for support while pushing the baby in the pram, which is probably your only outlet too!
My husband would never have left me for the pub only a week after birth, it’s just so unnecessary.

saraclara · 29/03/2023 07:07

You’re being unreasonable. You’ve got your parents with you and no other DC to look after.

Exactly. I can't square this with my own birth and post partum experience, and that of my daughter.

You have massively more help than 99%'of new mothers, you have no toddler to simultaneously wrangle, and give had your DH home for a week (mine got two days of paternity leave - entirely normal then).

Going out for dinner (I love how some PPs call it "swanning off") is okay. And needed probably when living with in-laws.
It will be an intense time for him. I didn't realise how difficult my traumatic birth had been for my DH until a long time after when I heard him and my BIL share their experiences, that I realised how scared he'd been and so out of control. Maybe your DH needs a debrief too.

I'm not entirely sure what it is you want from him in those few hours, to be honest.
Imagine being a single mum after a difficult birth. Appreciate what you have.

Timeforchangeithink · 29/03/2023 07:09

Time to grow up OP..Him going out for a few hours still leaves 3 adults looking after one baby.

saraclara · 29/03/2023 07:10

Also why have so many posters turned the two weeks in the title to a week? He's not abandoning OP after a week @Albiboba & co.

loulouljh · 29/03/2023 07:10

I think you are being unreasonable...its a few hours.

Seabreeze18 · 29/03/2023 07:12

I’m sorry I had a traumatic birth!
when my first was the same I really struggled but actually my dh suffered more, he slipped into postnatal depression as he felt he was going to lose both of us at some point and then as I was exclusively breastfeeding he felt redundant. Going out with a friend to talk things through and feel normal again was important to him. Please let him go, it will benefit everyone if he feels stable and supported by his friends. If this was every night or every week then definitely not. Good luck

TheRookie · 29/03/2023 07:12

What do you need him to do in those few hours? In the same situation, I would have got myself a big drink, a snack, and a blanket, set up on sofa to feed baby and have a few hours of uninterrupted baby cuddles and skin to skin feeding!! A 1 week old is not hard to look after.

Zonder · 29/03/2023 07:15

Are your parents actively helping? I really can't see the problem with him going out for dinner once after 2 weeks even if you were home alone.

Honestly, I had a traumatic birth too but life goes on.

pamplemoussee · 29/03/2023 07:15

Please ignore some of the shocking replies from people on this thread OP which makes me really sad to read. You are certainly NOT being silly 1 week postpartum after a traumatic birth. You feel how you feel and it's completely understandable - you and your DH are in this together. I hope you can speak to him about how you're feeling and an understanding partner would reschedule his night out.

SuperSange · 29/03/2023 07:16

How many people does it take to look after a baby? He's not going to Ibiza for a fortnight. I'm sure three adults will manage for a few hours. Hmm

Zonder · 29/03/2023 07:21

pamplemoussee · 29/03/2023 07:15

Please ignore some of the shocking replies from people on this thread OP which makes me really sad to read. You are certainly NOT being silly 1 week postpartum after a traumatic birth. You feel how you feel and it's completely understandable - you and your DH are in this together. I hope you can speak to him about how you're feeling and an understanding partner would reschedule his night out.

She has her parents there helping!

This doesn't bode well for the future of their parenting.

bumpytrumpy · 29/03/2023 07:23

Zonder · 29/03/2023 07:15

Are your parents actively helping? I really can't see the problem with him going out for dinner once after 2 weeks even if you were home alone.

Honestly, I had a traumatic birth too but life goes on.

This. Many women are alone with the baby much earlier. Living with your parents for support is very unusual, I can see why DH might want an evening out.

Have you spent any time properly alone with baby yet? That would be a good thing to build up to over the next few weeks. It's actually very empowering - you grew this baby and you continue to provide everything it needs.

Speak to midwife / HV about the birth trauma, that's not your husband's responsibility to solve.

gogohmm · 29/03/2023 07:23

Firstly, paternity leave is a new concept - it was normal for men to only get the actual birth off until a few years ago, my ex had a couple of days for each of ours, out of annual leave too, not extra, to feel aggrieved he's going back when you have your parents to help seems unnecessary to me. Secondly it's a couple of hours, perhaps he needs to talk to his friend, wet the babies head we used to call it. It's perfectly normal to return to life by a week or two (my exh went on a business trip leaving me with both kids alone on a different continent to my family and friends 2 weeks postpartum, in fact it was fine)

AlexaFeedMyKids · 29/03/2023 07:23

Kindly, you want him there simply because you want the help from him and not your parents. Really ridiculous. As long as you're helped.

WildAloofRebel · 29/03/2023 07:27

I would expect him to bring wipes and nappies and snacks and tv remote to you on the sofa before he leaves, and then you literally won’t have to move until he gets back. Just sit there with a baby on your chest 😍😍 can’t think of anything better tbh! Well, actually my parents being there would piss me off but maybe yours are nicer than mine 😄

BeachBlondey · 29/03/2023 07:27

When I had my kids, back in the 90's, wetting the baby's head was a "thing". Is it not now? My H was out on the lash the night they were born.

Mindymomo · 29/03/2023 07:28

I also had a long difficult birth with my first and didn’t really know how much it had affected me until I met up with some anti natal mums and my health visitor. We were all speaking about our births and I broke down when it was my turn. My health visitor spoke to me alone after and we went through everything that happened at the birth and she also felt I may need to look at counselling, we didn’t think I had post natal depression but thankfully I was ok.

bussteward · 29/03/2023 07:29

Was it 2-for-1 at the cunty reply shop? We’ve had “poor bloke”, insinuations that OP’s traumatic birth is more difficult for him than her, his need for a break (after a hard fortnight parenting when he went back to work halfway through anyway, and isn’t breastfeeding, and didn’t give birth). Where’s OP’s break? You don’t really get one when you’re establishing breastfeeding, you just get round-the-clock slog.

Why can’t he go out for a dinner in a few weeks when OP is feeling more settled? Like, I’m glad for those that had crash C-sections of triplets in their broken down car on the hard shoulder of the M1 in the snow but still did the school run the next day because their hubby had a stag do to get drunk at, and they managed – good for you! The OP doesn’t actually have to, though. Her DH could say “you know what, plenty of opportunities for dinners in the near future – what if right now my wife needs me, not her parents?”

follyfoot37 · 29/03/2023 07:32

saraclara · 29/03/2023 07:10

Also why have so many posters turned the two weeks in the title to a week? He's not abandoning OP after a week @Albiboba & co.

Because never let the truth get in the way of your right to indignation and outrage! Shows that people do not read the OP but happy to jump on the bandwagon that the pps are on.

Chias · 29/03/2023 07:33

artimesiasfootsteps · 29/03/2023 06:00

I think a lot of ‘cool wives’ giving their responses here. YANBU. I had a traumatic birth (and pregnancy) and my DH would not have buggered off for dinner during those early weeks.

Just because OP is exclusively feeding baby and his inlaws are there, doesn’t mean OP doesn’t need the emotional support of her partner and the baby’s father. She doesn’t get to opt out and bugger off, why should he?

There is a reason why PND is so high in this country compared to my country of birth , and it’s because of this stupid attitude to new mothers having ‘to get on with it’, and not spend the 4th trimester being cared for and supported by the wider village like they do in non western countries.

At the very least OP he should have asked you.

I hate the expression ‘cool wives’. On here, it is used as a put down for any woman who is even slightly capable and independent. I was accused of being a ‘cool wife’ on a previous thread. I said I could handle having my two children on my own for a weekend. I am a teacher FFS, so it would be a bit worrying if I couldn’t handle two children!

SpareHeirOverThere · 29/03/2023 07:36

The rule is always thus: he gets time off, but so do you. In roughly equal amounts, at roughly equal intervals.

You, especially, should arrange to meet a friend at a cafe or pub. Maybe you can only spend an hour at this point, while you establish bf, but do it. Leave baby with dh (maybe meet at a weekend). It will help loads with his confidence to be in sole charge of the baby. And it will help you to be out in the world for a short time without the baby.

I think in your case dh gets a little extra understanding as he is living with your parents. Which can't be easy.

Wishona · 29/03/2023 07:36

My DH went out 3 weeks after DS2 on a work Christmas do. I’d spent the first 2 weeks in hospital with DS2 and had a hyperactive toddler to contend with too. I was still a bit panicky about DS2’s breathing and I remember finding it really stressful. He was still on a weird feeding regime to not overload his system- every 2 hours for exactly 5 min. I found it almost teary stressful, which I think was the trauma of the hospital stay. I think maybe you’re feeling similar.

It was only a few hours though and it was fine. Sometimes testing yourself can help you see that you are okay.

saraclara · 29/03/2023 07:37

bussteward · 29/03/2023 07:29

Was it 2-for-1 at the cunty reply shop? We’ve had “poor bloke”, insinuations that OP’s traumatic birth is more difficult for him than her, his need for a break (after a hard fortnight parenting when he went back to work halfway through anyway, and isn’t breastfeeding, and didn’t give birth). Where’s OP’s break? You don’t really get one when you’re establishing breastfeeding, you just get round-the-clock slog.

Why can’t he go out for a dinner in a few weeks when OP is feeling more settled? Like, I’m glad for those that had crash C-sections of triplets in their broken down car on the hard shoulder of the M1 in the snow but still did the school run the next day because their hubby had a stag do to get drunk at, and they managed – good for you! The OP doesn’t actually have to, though. Her DH could say “you know what, plenty of opportunities for dinners in the near future – what if right now my wife needs me, not her parents?”

Needs him for what though? You're being cunty, frankly.

He's living with his in-laws who are presumably fussing all over OP and the baby. There's probably nothing practical he can do.

Jeeze, most women here would go nuts after two weeks living with their MILs. A meal out with a friend is probably a much needed break.

And yes, he DOES get to talk about the birth too. It takes nothing away from the woman's experience, for a man to have found it scary too. On the one hand we want men to be empathetic, caring and loving, yet on the other, not be entirely distraught to see their partner in such pain, and fear for her as their child. And when they do, they're supposed to just shut up about it because they didn't give birth.

saraclara · 29/03/2023 07:39

I hate the expression ‘cool wives’. On here, it is used as a put down for any woman who is even slightly capable and independent

Exactly.