DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

[HappyButHangry]

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

He's not a psychotherapist. I think expecting partners to solve all of our problems is a mistake. Perhaps you can seek professional guidance to resolve your trauma. Why burden him with additional rehashing of it?

YANBU about wanting him to have another week off to manage the baby and nurse you in recovery. There are times you want parents and times you want your partner/husband. Birth can be really traumatic and it’s really unfair how society just expects us to bounce back like it’s nothing and all that matters is you have a healthy, happy baby. We matter too. So I see nothing unreasonable about asking him again to take another week off because you need him there for you.

The dinner is sort of the cherry on top- hes at work all day and now you’ve lost an evening as well. I don’t think the dinner would feel so awful a prospect to you if he were off work to be with you a bit longer. So I do agree YABU to think dinner is inappropriate as it is only a few hours and I agree he’d need an escape from in-laws house.

So, don’t be afraid to ask him and explain how you are still in pain and really need him to take another week off work due to the birth being traumatic. I hope you are right that he can actually get that time off, it’s so important for bonding as a family and for your recovery as well.

OP needs looking after as well do you can’t really count her as being an adult fully able to care for a newborn. Traumatic births usually indicate significant birth injuries and an emergency c-section. These require a minimum of six weeks recovery time.

Agree that living with your parents is full on.. I could never do this and my DH couldn’t have survived this! I expect he’s desperate to get out. x

There's nothing in the OP to indicate a significant injury that has left OP physically unable to care for a baby. I can only go by what's been written. Even so, I just can't see what 3-4 people are needed for.

It's great that your husband is looking after his own mental health while staying with your parents.
It will bring something new to talk about.
While you are staying with your parents, you should plan to do just the same with your husband..
Maybe go out for dinner every fortnight and allow the baby to stay with grandparents for a couple of hours, if your parents would enjoy that and cope with that.

If it’s unusual for him going out he must be wanting to escape from something. How hands on are your parents when he is around? Do you have your own space at your parents where he can come in from work and spend time with you and baby. Do you have a house to move into? How long have you been at your parents? If you don’t have a house to move into I would look at renting and have your parents step back

Just make sure you give yourself a night out when you're feeling up for it. Take turns 🙂

Hormones can't be blamed for everything, he is doing nothing wrong

Same if you wanted to go out and leave your baby with him (inlaws aside perhaps)

It’s not unreasonable no in my opinion. I guess he probably thinks it’s easier to do it now whilst your parents are available to help. It’s a few hours.

Im sorry you had a traumatic birth. Perhaps he is also feeling the effects of that too and maybe wants to chat to a friend rather than burden you. Plus he probably needs a break from your folks.

It sounds like you need to talk to him about how you're feeling.

Also my first was a traumatic birth and I was offered a de brief with a midwife to go through it all, maybe ask if that's an option when you're ready to talk through it all.

YOU are exclusively breastfeeding. There is no ‘we’. It’s damn hard work and take care.

I could not get worked up about him going out, but I am not you and you obviously feel a bit off about it all. It’s two weeks after the birth though. You might want to start going out soon too. It’s good for your mental health to get put out the house a bit.

Also agree with other posters, he may feel a bit stifled being around your parents, especially with a newborn. Has his family been able to visit too? Honestly, I could not do it but understand you’re in a tricky housing situation.

I would say as long as he is just going out for dinner and not some weekend long lads night out - there are various things here. You want him about. If it were me I would feel very claustrophobic staying at my in laws if I were him - so , personally - if he is generally helping out and all else it good I would give him a few hours off.

But congratulations on your baby - this stuff will go into the mists of time in time. ( I do not mean to belittle what you think - I had an Emergency Cesarean and felt rubbish - but I could cope for a few hours ( on my own no parental help ) . DS only had a week off. The 6 week recovery was just so but after 3 weeks it was more don't lift anything heavy , don't drive.

You seem nice

Giving birth is a trauma. It takes most women a while to process it and be stable/sturdy emotionally again. That was certainly my experience and that of almost every woman I know.
(first time is worse as you have a better idea of what to expect after that)

You should talk to your husband. My biggest regret about having my first was desperately pretending I was holding it all together those first few weeks whilst having a massive internal breakdown.
When I did talk to my hubby he was really good about it, took me 4/5 months to be physical again though even with his emotional support. You also have a lot of external pressure on you right now with a house move so try to be kind to each other.

since having our two under two I’ve never understood more why so many marriages/relationships break down in that first year of parenting.

It’s a challenging time for him too, brand new baby and living with your parents. He’s allowed a night off.

YANBU if you need his support it’s still so early!! But you need to be able to discuss with partner what you do / don’t feel comfortable with. Likewise your partner should be discussing with you their plans. As PP have said there may be a reason he wants to go out, ie he feels he needs a break away from mil etc. But as above you should discuss as a team.

Some people underestimate what it’s like having a traumatic birth. I’m sorry you went through that. It does take time to recover. It is understandable that you need your dh close to you during the first few weeks. It must be hard that he went back to work so early.

Maybe he does need this night out. I don’t know how he is feeling. Both of your feelings and needs matter.

Do you think you would be up for some time out just you, dh and baby? Could you go to a nice quiet restaurant for dinner when you have established breastfeeding and feel confident to breastfeed away from home?

Have you got a nice cozy area at your parents to breastfeed and watch some of your favourite tv shows?

I bought a baby carrier (I found it more supportive than a sling) and could go on nice walks with baby snug against me (always make sure baby is positioned properly so they can breathe). I could also have my hands free and be able to do things.

Be kind to yourself and when you are ready talk to your dh about the birth and how it affected you.

Sending virtual hugs your way 💐💖🫖☕️

It’s only a few hours op; and you have your parents with you. Yabu but I can see why tbh

YABU.

I think a lot of ‘cool wives’ giving their responses here. YANBU. I had a traumatic birth (and pregnancy) and my DH would not have buggered off for dinner during those early weeks.

Just because OP is exclusively feeding baby and his inlaws are there, doesn’t mean OP doesn’t need the emotional support of her partner and the baby’s father. She doesn’t get to opt out and bugger off, why should he?

There is a reason why PND is so high in this country compared to my country of birth , and it’s because of this stupid attitude to new mothers having ‘to get on with it’, and not spend the 4th trimester being cared for and supported by the wider village like they do in non western countries.

At the very least OP he should have asked you.

Oh darling, I’m so sorry it’s rough. I’m 4
months post partum and was diagnosed with PTSD from this birth (I don’t agree with PP that giving birth is a trauma, i have had perfectly straightforward births, and this minimises actually traumatic births).

That‘s to say that I recognise some of my actions from the early days to have been led by fear (being alone, apart from partner etc) rather than rationality. It’s okay for him to want to go for dinner, but it’s okay for you to not want him to. If you can bear it, it sounds like him having a few hours away would be good for him, and therefore good for him looking after you too.