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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
WalkingOnTheCracks · 29/03/2023 12:55

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 12:50

Alright, I don't know how to wind this down. You're all very upset on behalf of DH. DH said he's going to appease me to bits now if it's ok with my internet friends.

You're right, of course. You asked whether you were being unreasonable, and those who feel you are should have at least asked your permission before saying so, and are being massively insensitive by banging on about why they feel that.

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 12:57

@Itsbytheby it's two weeks old, and not when he's only done it on the day she's giving him grief for arranging a meal with a friend.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 13:00

Ok well thank you for explaining where you're coming from then.. I don't know what you want me to say. I still feel how I feel. I initially asked on here before speaking to DH but having spoken to DH, he is ok in good spirits so I don't feel as terrible as everyone is trying to make me feel.

I think in general if someone has to ask someone to do something for them, they think twice about it - hence my thread. Anyway, I didn't need this much angst this morning. I understand where you're all coming from, but like I said, DH seems fine and I feel like he's been attentive to me too which is what I needed right now (and I am ok admitting I am in a more needy place than usual).

OP posts:
DistantSkye · 29/03/2023 13:00

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and it seems like the whole dinner situation is sorted anyway so that's good!

However I really think the accusations of "cool wife" and being mean from some posters are a bit unpleasant. There are some situations in life where we need to be resilient as adults, and cope with the resources we have. For example after my first (very difficult and I was unwell for ages) birth, my husband worked offshore so he went off to an oil platform after 3 weeks. I didn't have the luxury of moving in with my parents for help so I just had to be resilient and try my best with the network of friends I had, and get on with it by myself at nights. I'm not saying I'm some kind of superwoman or anything - just that that's a perfectly normal thing to have to do after giving birth. Finding a situation difficult or stressful or hard is actually ok - and we need to get used to those feelings. What if you still don't want him going out in a month's time? Or 6 weeks?

I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out that having 3 extra adults around for help 24/7 is an unusually privileged position to be in, and so feeling aggrieved when one of them wants to go out for a few hours seems a bit unreasonable.

KarmaStar · 29/03/2023 13:03

Yabu ,he is not leaving you alone is he?
Speak to your Dr or nurse about counselling for birth but don't expect your dh to mind read,if you are feeling extra strain mentally you should tell him.
Enjoy your dd 🌻

LadyKenya · 29/03/2023 13:03

Oh well, hopefully for himself he has learned how to go about things the next time he wants to be allowed out.

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 13:04

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 12:57

@Itsbytheby it's two weeks old, and not when he's only done it on the day she's giving him grief for arranging a meal with a friend.

At 2 weeks old it's still the same. And maybe he feels sorry for OP who is struggling. Not because he doesn't think he should go out, or that he was doing something wrong, but because she's been through a lot and is upset and he can see that.

While I don't think OP was right to say he shouldn't go, if I was in her OP's shoes I would probably think poor her, she's having a tough time, baby blues and first week of work is hitting hard, I can catch up with my mate another time.

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 13:04

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 13:00

Ok well thank you for explaining where you're coming from then.. I don't know what you want me to say. I still feel how I feel. I initially asked on here before speaking to DH but having spoken to DH, he is ok in good spirits so I don't feel as terrible as everyone is trying to make me feel.

I think in general if someone has to ask someone to do something for them, they think twice about it - hence my thread. Anyway, I didn't need this much angst this morning. I understand where you're all coming from, but like I said, DH seems fine and I feel like he's been attentive to me too which is what I needed right now (and I am ok admitting I am in a more needy place than usual).

Here's what you could say. Not to us, we are strangers on the Internet, but to your husband:

"I'm really sorry I made you cancel your meet up with Dave. It was wrong. Why don't you ring him and see if he's still free to get together? Of course I'll be fine here for 2 hours with both of my parents to help. Of course you should have a break. It will do you the world of good to have a chat to someone outside of this stifling bubble, and to do something other than rush from work back to my parents' house and then back to work again. I'm sorry again I made you feel bad about it. Please do go and have a good time."

Not hard, is it?

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 13:07

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 13:04

Here's what you could say. Not to us, we are strangers on the Internet, but to your husband:

"I'm really sorry I made you cancel your meet up with Dave. It was wrong. Why don't you ring him and see if he's still free to get together? Of course I'll be fine here for 2 hours with both of my parents to help. Of course you should have a break. It will do you the world of good to have a chat to someone outside of this stifling bubble, and to do something other than rush from work back to my parents' house and then back to work again. I'm sorry again I made you feel bad about it. Please do go and have a good time."

Not hard, is it?

Show quote history

This!

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 13:08

i cant read

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 13:09

HopefulHeart38 · 29/03/2023 13:08

i cant read

Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Way to go @Bamboux. That’s excellent advice.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 13:11

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 13:04

Here's what you could say. Not to us, we are strangers on the Internet, but to your husband:

"I'm really sorry I made you cancel your meet up with Dave. It was wrong. Why don't you ring him and see if he's still free to get together? Of course I'll be fine here for 2 hours with both of my parents to help. Of course you should have a break. It will do you the world of good to have a chat to someone outside of this stifling bubble, and to do something other than rush from work back to my parents' house and then back to work again. I'm sorry again I made you feel bad about it. Please do go and have a good time."

Not hard, is it?

Show quote history

Absolutely This!

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 13:14

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 13:04

Here's what you could say. Not to us, we are strangers on the Internet, but to your husband:

"I'm really sorry I made you cancel your meet up with Dave. It was wrong. Why don't you ring him and see if he's still free to get together? Of course I'll be fine here for 2 hours with both of my parents to help. Of course you should have a break. It will do you the world of good to have a chat to someone outside of this stifling bubble, and to do something other than rush from work back to my parents' house and then back to work again. I'm sorry again I made you feel bad about it. Please do go and have a good time."

Not hard, is it?

Show quote history

Also agree with this.

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 13:21

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 13:00

Ok well thank you for explaining where you're coming from then.. I don't know what you want me to say. I still feel how I feel. I initially asked on here before speaking to DH but having spoken to DH, he is ok in good spirits so I don't feel as terrible as everyone is trying to make me feel.

I think in general if someone has to ask someone to do something for them, they think twice about it - hence my thread. Anyway, I didn't need this much angst this morning. I understand where you're all coming from, but like I said, DH seems fine and I feel like he's been attentive to me too which is what I needed right now (and I am ok admitting I am in a more needy place than usual).

What made you ask AIBU?

If you're convinced you are right?

Fuctifin0 · 29/03/2023 13:23

Poor bloke sounds like he's right under the thumb.
If that's what works for you both, who are we to criticise 🤷🏻

Itsbytheby · 29/03/2023 13:23

Bamboux · 29/03/2023 13:04

Here's what you could say. Not to us, we are strangers on the Internet, but to your husband:

"I'm really sorry I made you cancel your meet up with Dave. It was wrong. Why don't you ring him and see if he's still free to get together? Of course I'll be fine here for 2 hours with both of my parents to help. Of course you should have a break. It will do you the world of good to have a chat to someone outside of this stifling bubble, and to do something other than rush from work back to my parents' house and then back to work again. I'm sorry again I made you feel bad about it. Please do go and have a good time."

Not hard, is it?

Show quote history

Agree this owuld be a nice thing to do. Even if he doesn't take you up on it.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 29/03/2023 13:30

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 11:59

I'm sure you know perfectly well what it means. I'm using it as a term that describes women who tolerate sub-standard behaviour from men and then expect everyone else to do so, and if they don't, they're told they are unreasonable and making a fuss, ergo 'uncool'.

Show quote history

I think that that explanation would be more convincing if you could cite any instances of anyone referring, in those circumstances to anyone else, as 'uncool'.

Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 13:33

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 13:21

What made you ask AIBU?

If you're convinced you are right?

Show quote history

Sometimes it helps to talk something through.. and there were about 200 odd people that voted I wasn't being unreasonable and a few private messages.

And a bunch of things those voting that I was being unreasonable have suggested, I have already done (eg. The very nicely crafted message by Bamboux, I had already said to him). And so combined with DH seeming ok, I am at peace with how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 13:36

Also, I hadn't mentioned this because I thought it was irrelevant but it was DH's idea and suggestion to move in to my parents. DH organised the entire thing. I'm only saying this because everyone seems to think this was pushed on him/he has no choice here. It works for both of us (me having my parents and he can check on house renovations and get stuff for the builders without trekking from our flat which is over an hour away) .

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 29/03/2023 13:37

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 13:33

Sometimes it helps to talk something through.. and there were about 200 odd people that voted I wasn't being unreasonable and a few private messages.

And a bunch of things those voting that I was being unreasonable have suggested, I have already done (eg. The very nicely crafted message by Bamboux, I had already said to him). And so combined with DH seeming ok, I am at peace with how I feel.

Show quote history

@HappyButHangry

good work op! Hopefully his mate his still free and your husband gets to go out 😀

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 13:42

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 13:33

Sometimes it helps to talk something through.. and there were about 200 odd people that voted I wasn't being unreasonable and a few private messages.

And a bunch of things those voting that I was being unreasonable have suggested, I have already done (eg. The very nicely crafted message by Bamboux, I had already said to him). And so combined with DH seeming ok, I am at peace with how I feel.

Show quote history

Course you are..you got your way. Bully for you OP. As longs as everything is exactly the way you want, you are totally flexible and reasonable.

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 13:46

@Nottodayicant back off. She's acknowledged what she should have done differently and has tried to make amends with her DH who is ok. You continuing to abuse her when the said the advice telling her she was wrong has helped is completely unnecessary

JudgeJ · 29/03/2023 13:52

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 29/03/2023 00:56

It's a few hours, not a weekend away. Plus, if I were him I'd be finding it all pretty overwhelming trying to adjust to being a new parent while living in someone else's house. You've got your parents, it's fine.

How many people are needed to look after a new baby, the OP has herself, her husband and her parents , seems a lot of help! He probably can't wait to move into the new house to be able to make your own decisions without the in-laws being around so much.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 13:54

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 13:46

@Nottodayicant back off. She's acknowledged what she should have done differently and has tried to make amends with her DH who is ok. You continuing to abuse her when the said the advice telling her she was wrong has helped is completely unnecessary

And a bunch of things those voting that I was being unreasonable have suggested, I have already done (eg. The very nicely crafted message by Bamboux, I had already said to him)

You honestly believe she has done this in the past 30 mins since he came home early because he missed them? Pull the other one.

I absolutely HATE seeing anyone being controlled in a relationship or being told where they can or cannot go. It is wrong on every level. It is controlling. End of. I'm out.

JudgeJ · 29/03/2023 13:57

I hate the expression ‘cool wives’. On here, it is used as a put down for any woman who is even slightly capable and independent. I was accused of being a ‘cool wife’ on a previous thread. I said I could handle having my two children on my own for a weekend. I am a teacher FFS, so it would be a bit worrying if I couldn’t handle two children!

Totally agree, if a woman doesn't play into the poor me, no-one has ever had an experience like mine she is called a 'cool wife', managing a baby or, heavens forbid two children, is seen as a negative. Unless there is a genuine problem then a new baby is a doddle, even two aren't so difficult. Maybe as teachers we're far more resiliant!