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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpier · 29/03/2023 08:00

Ponderingwindow · 29/03/2023 01:32

socializing when he has a 2 week old at home is a really selfish move. Work is a necessity, but you are still recovering from the birth. He should be at home as much as possible.

You’re not serious? Where is this rule that mum & dad are not to be parted from the baby for a nano second for several weeks . Some people do it on their own the op has her parents, he’s going out for a couple of hours I don’t see the issue .

Babyboomtastic · 29/03/2023 08:01

I think this is the perfect time to go for dinner tbh. One newborn doesn't take 4 people to care for it.

You're being cared for by your parents, you have just one, non mobile baby. You aren't juggling a toddler, and can literally stay sat on the sofa with your parents bringing you drinks. This is probably going to be the easiest time for him to go out for at least 18m tbh (probably longer), with a 3:1 adult to baby ratio at home.

Were you both at home, just the two of you, I'd feel differently, and that he should stay. Although, I was doing some days totally alone at this stage (but not many due to a long pat -leave), and I didn't personally find it difficult. I found it more difficult to cope alone later on when baby got more demanding. Everyone is different though, and you'd have my support with him staying with you, were it not for your parents being around.

GordonBennett345 · 29/03/2023 08:04

HeddaGarbled · 29/03/2023 00:55

Maybe he needs to get away from your parents for a night. I would, if I were forced to embark on new parenting whilst living with the in-laws.

I'm afraid I'd feel the same, sorry.

Mouk · 29/03/2023 08:05

Congratulations!

I'm sorry, but you're being U. It's only for a few hours, and you have the support of your parents.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 08:06

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 29/03/2023 07:47

It’s sad that so many women have such low expectations of their husbands/partners, especially after birth.

OP is a week post a traumatic birth, she’s clearly struggling, her husband has had to go back to work in the day and OP would therefore really appreciate her husbands support in the evenings for a while longer.

These comments like, toughen up, get a grip, this doesn’t bode well for future parenting, my husband left me to go away for work and I managed, grow up, single mums have to cope etc are disgusting and unnecessary. Women don’t need to suffer because other women do and we’re not all the same.

After one of my births, also traumatic, I only wanted that help from my partner. Thankfully he didn’t decide to reconnect with friends he hasn’t seen for ages 🙄 or even see his friends he sees often until I was feeling ready. And in fact 3/4 weeks post birth, I was feeling much, much better. After my other birth, I would have been fine on my own after a few days.

If my partner hadn’t realised I needed him, I’d have told him and he’d have changed any plans. Talk to him OP.

2 weeks. I'm not sure why multiple people are claiming 1 week when it is clearly in the title.

I don't have low expectations of my husband. At 2 weeks postpartum, we went to dinner together without the baby and if I didn't feel ready, I would've been perfectly fine with just my husband going either alone or with a friend. It's just dinner and if he wanted to be out all night getting drunk then my response would be completely different.

Ciaonow · 29/03/2023 08:08

Really shocked at these replies. I don’t think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. You are physically recovering, getting to grips with breastfeeding (which is a huge undertaking) and generally adjusting to a new way of life whilst not even in your home environment.

I think he should want to be with you as much as possible right now and make your life easier where he can. Work is a necessity but going out to dinner with a mate he’s not seen for a year when you’re still bleeding and in pain after birthing his child is quite insulting tbh! I think there’s a lot of internalised misogyny on this thread.

This time is about you and baby not about him needing an escape. Why is everyone assuming the in laws are such awful people too? Presumably you all get on to some extent or you wouldn’t be living together albeit temporarily. YANBU!

LightDrizzle · 29/03/2023 08:08

No matter how kind your parents are being, they are not his parents and that has never been his home. You say he isn’t that sociable so he’s probably feeling the strain.

If you were living together independently I’d agree YWNBU, but in this particular scenario I agree with this poster:

Having to share the most emotionally intense time of one's relationship, with ones in-laws 24/7 must be beyond shit. He has no privacy, you have no emotional privacy as a couple.

Do request a de-brief from the midwifery team. It sounds like you have had a tough time.

SD1978 · 29/03/2023 08:10

Given you have plenty of help in hand for the evening with your parents- I think maybe you are being unreasonable. You have the support of your husband and family there full time- maybe he just wants a bit of his own support for a few hours? You e said yourself he is very involved- as he should be! And is t aware that you are still working through your emotions from the birth. I would see him have the evening out, and give yourself a bit of time to be able to properly articulate what the issues are you have whilst he's out. Then you guys can have a chat about what it is that's bothered you.

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 08:12

He’s only going out for a few hours, I’m sure you’ll manage @HappyButHangry.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 29/03/2023 08:13

My baby’s birth resulted in an emergency section and 2 week stay following other issues. It was hard on both of us when we got our baby home and if we’d been living with my parents, I’d have told him to go out with a friend for a couple of hours away. You’ll have your parents so I think it’s fine.

RubiesAndRaindrops · 29/03/2023 08:14

I think he should have asked you if you were ok with him going out for dinner instead of just announcing it. I can understand him wanting a bit of "space" from the living situation but he's a grown man, you've had a traumatic birth, it's a temporary arrangement, supporting you is more important. I know you have your parents there (with whom you presumably have a good relationship-whilst I could have lived with mine temporarily if needed I would have found it incredibly stressful-my parents worry about every little thing so I would be spending half my time reassuring THEM about the baby lol, e.g. I had to regularly reassure them that hiccups are nothing to worry about with both my babies) its just not the same. It's not necessarily unreasonable for him to go out, but he should have checked with you first. You'll be fine, but I can understand why you'd be upset. Have a chat with him & hopefully get him to check with you first next time. Congratulations OP.

inamarina · 29/03/2023 08:15

Ponderingwindow · 29/03/2023 01:32

socializing when he has a 2 week old at home is a really selfish move. Work is a necessity, but you are still recovering from the birth. He should be at home as much as possible.

But they’re staying with her parents who are helping out. She’s not by herself.
I can understand that he might want to be away from his in-laws‘ house for a couple of hours.

jellybeanteaparty · 29/03/2023 08:17

I would ask him now to book a week's leave for when you move back into your own place and would be in your own in the day.

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 08:18

Oh lord, the 'cool wives' are out in force.

Honestly, I think women are just conditioned to be treated like shit. A decent man would have said to you - 'I've been asked to go out for dinner on x day, will that work for you?', not just presumed he can ditch you with baby while you are still recovering. It's like he hasn't got his head around the fact that he now has responsibilities.

I wouldn't be happy with this. It's part of that conditioning that tells us that men's lives continue as normal while women put theirs on hold for the kids.

JFDIYOLO · 29/03/2023 08:19

I'd say the same as everyone else!

Congratulations 👏

Use the few hours for a bit of quiet time with your mum.

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 08:21

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 08:18

Oh lord, the 'cool wives' are out in force.

Honestly, I think women are just conditioned to be treated like shit. A decent man would have said to you - 'I've been asked to go out for dinner on x day, will that work for you?', not just presumed he can ditch you with baby while you are still recovering. It's like he hasn't got his head around the fact that he now has responsibilities.

I wouldn't be happy with this. It's part of that conditioning that tells us that men's lives continue as normal while women put theirs on hold for the kids.

He's doesn't need permission to have a social lift just because he's had a baby. He's not going on a bender in Magaluf.

Chubby81 · 29/03/2023 08:21

Chias · 29/03/2023 07:33

I hate the expression ‘cool wives’. On here, it is used as a put down for any woman who is even slightly capable and independent. I was accused of being a ‘cool wife’ on a previous thread. I said I could handle having my two children on my own for a weekend. I am a teacher FFS, so it would be a bit worrying if I couldn’t handle two children!

Show quote history

I also hate the ‘cool wife’ accusation and agree it’s used as a put down for capable woman.

congratulations on your baby OP. Baby one is a shock and those first few weeks of breastfeeding are hard work especially after a traumatic birth.

However, you are being unreasonable.

As long as he makes sure you’ve eaten and had a chance to shower before he goes out surely you and baby can chill on the sofa with snacks and a box set for a few hours? And if you do need anything your parents are there to help.

I could not stand to live with my MIL for any extended period of time so I think it’s fair for him to get a bit of time away from the house that isn’t for work. It must be very intense in the house with so many people and PIL constantly around.

I have 4 kids and have had a traumatic birth so I know the maelstrom of emotion you are feeling. It’s great you came here for some objective advice.

butterfliedtwo · 29/03/2023 08:22

JulietBrown · 29/03/2023 06:32

You’re being unreasonable. You’ve got your parents with you and no other DC to look after. It’s a complete luxury to have your DH off work too. Get some emotional help / counselling for the birth trauma and some practical help with your move.

This. He wants a few hours away from your parents, I don't blame him. Especially not since you haven't even spoken to him about how you feel. Nobody reads minds.

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 29/03/2023 08:24

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 08:06

2 weeks. I'm not sure why multiple people are claiming 1 week when it is clearly in the title.

I don't have low expectations of my husband. At 2 weeks postpartum, we went to dinner together without the baby and if I didn't feel ready, I would've been perfectly fine with just my husband going either alone or with a friend. It's just dinner and if he wanted to be out all night getting drunk then my response would be completely different.

Show quote history

That’s you. This is OP.

People are different and have different feelings. For people to say the things they have to a new mum, it’s just nasty. It doesn’t mean she’s not going to cope going forward or she’s immature or whatever else. It just means she would like her husband around at the moment. He’s her partner, the baby’s father, there’s nothing unreasonable about wanting him around at all.

I've just read the OP to my partner and he said ‘can’t he just see how his wife is in a week or so and go out when she’s feeling better?’. I’m glad my partner sees things that way. Hopefully OPs will too if she talks to him.

Hope you’re feeling better soon OP and congrats on your baby.

ItsTimeToWine · 29/03/2023 08:24

My first thought was he doesn't want to be at your parent's house, he's gone straight back to work and is going out in the evening to avoid having to be in their house. Is it essential you stay there? I imagine it's an awkward dynamic for him when he's just become a father and is having to step aside for his in laws.

rogueone · 29/03/2023 08:24

If i was stuck with my outlaws I would be going out too baby or not. YABU, what do you want him to do? Spend every day and night with you , baby and your parents. It sounds suffocating. You say he is a hands on dad so let him get on with it. you may be happy and comfortable in your parents home but I would be surprised if your DH is feeling the same

TheSnailAndTheWaaaail · 29/03/2023 08:25

Honestly if you were living in your own house and you'd be by yourself with a 2 week old I would be saying you're not unreasonable to be annoyed. But seeing as you're with your parents, I think it's fair enough for him to go see a friend for a couple of hours.

I had a traumatic first birth so I understand how you feel, but as it transpired, my DH was also extremely affected by it and it took him a good while to even be able to verbalise to me how he felt. He likely needs to debrief with a friend and I don't think I'd personally be annoyed at that in your situation.

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 08:25

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 08:21

He's doesn't need permission to have a social lift just because he's had a baby. He's not going on a bender in Magaluf.

Show quote history

Do you and your husband not usually discuss with each other if you're going out in the evening, rather than just say 'I'm going'? I find that odd when the other one has to look after the kids. It's just common courtesy.

Scirocco · 29/03/2023 08:26

Congratulations on your new baby.

A gentle YABU. Everyone needs a little time to themselves, especially with the stresses of a new baby and staying with in-laws.

Just make sure you get some time to yourself too. If he's taking a few hours one evening, maybe you can schedule a few hours another day to do something that will help you feel refreshed.

magicthree · 29/03/2023 08:26

Ponderingwindow · 29/03/2023 01:32

socializing when he has a 2 week old at home is a really selfish move. Work is a necessity, but you are still recovering from the birth. He should be at home as much as possible.

Why? OP is with her parents, surely she can cope without him for a few hours.