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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

319 replies

HappyButHangry · 29/03/2023 00:52

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now).

At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

OP posts:
FlatWhiteExtraHot · 29/03/2023 06:03

@HappyButHangry please speak to your midwife regarding a birth de-brief. Twenty odd years ago I didn’t realise there was any such thing until my community midwife asked if I’d like her to sit and go through my notes with me to process it.

ActDottie · 29/03/2023 06:12

It’s a few hours away from you and your parents are there to help! I couldn’t get worked up by this. I imagine he needs some down time away from your parents.

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/03/2023 06:16

@FlatWhiteExtraHot Great response, well said. 👏👏👏👏

Fuctifin0 · 29/03/2023 06:17

I would be happy for him to go out.
It's a few hours, not weeks.

Cakeykid · 29/03/2023 06:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported.

What an awful post. You should be ashamed of yourself.

No you're not being unreasonable, OP. Sounds like you're doing amazingly well just coping with all this, definitely have a chat with your DH about how you're feeling, you deserve to be heard, and go from there.

Fuctifin0 · 29/03/2023 06:27

@KalvinPhillipsBoots has said what everybody else has said just not sugar coated it 🤔
Not sure they why they are being called names and told they should be ashamed 🤷🏻

VioletPickles · 29/03/2023 06:27

YABU. It’s a couple of hours. He might need to debrief/ talk about it with a mate too. Seeing your partner go through a traumatic birth is difficult too. Rely on your parents for those couple of hours. Before you know it he will be home. Thinking of you op, it’s not easy.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/03/2023 06:28

Gently, YABU. It's just for a few hours and I think he needs that bit of time to have a break from living with your parents which has got to be difficult with a new baby on top of that.

Talk to him though, tell him that you're still feeling vulnerable after such a traumatic birth. Communication is as important as ever with a new baby.

Congratulations.

JulietBrown · 29/03/2023 06:32

You’re being unreasonable. You’ve got your parents with you and no other DC to look after. It’s a complete luxury to have your DH off work too. Get some emotional help / counselling for the birth trauma and some practical help with your move.

Pipsquiggle · 29/03/2023 06:38

I think if you were on your own it would be unreasonable, however, you're at your parents so a few hours away is fine.

My DH also only took a week off as for both DC there were redundancy rounds being worked up and he needed to be in. Thankfully he kept his job. As he is a freelancer, does he need to go back as there's something on at work?

You need to talk to him about the traumatic birth - that kind of stuff he needs to be aware of and how you are feeling

Cakeykid · 29/03/2023 06:38

Fuctifin0 · 29/03/2023 06:27

@KalvinPhillipsBoots has said what everybody else has said just not sugar coated it 🤔
Not sure they why they are being called names and told they should be ashamed 🤷🏻

Really though, you think it's okay to say something like that to someone who has gone through a traumatic birth and is clearly uprooted mid-move?

Really kind and full of empathy.

Other posters are enjoying shoving the boot in. Of course it's not unreasonable to feel a bit fragile and want the support of your DH.

It's not unreasonable for DH to want a few hours away either.

No one is being unreasonable, it's just one of those things, but surely on Mumsnet there can be a bit more kindness than the poster I reported. Just so unnecessary. There are real people behind the threads. Well, apart from the nasty hairy trolls...

MummyJ36 · 29/03/2023 06:41

I’m going to go against the grain and say you are NOT being unreasonable. Two weeks postpartum after a traumatic birth is not the time for your partner to be focussing on themselves and swanning off for dinner. It sounds like you really wanted him to take more paternity leave and he refused. Something like that can really fester bad feelings (I know).

He should have 100% asked you if you this was ok before arranging it. I think at this stage you probably can’t ask him to cancel but you are within your rights to make clear that you expect things like nights out to be discussed and agreed upon in advance now that you have a baby. Also your parents are not a substitute father for your DH.

merrymelodies · 29/03/2023 06:41

You're not connected at the hip. It's only a few hours!

amidsummernightsdream · 29/03/2023 06:43

I think some of the replies on here are crazy. You’ve just had your first baby a week ago, of course it’s not unreasonable to want your partner around. I understand why this dinner feels unnecessary to you, especially as you are clearly processing your birth experience.
If it was a few weeks time, fair enough but it’s week 2 and you need him. Parents or no parents you should be in it together.
I would try and explain how you feel and a good partner will understand.
Please please ignore the shocking replies, telling a postpartum mother she is being silly- disgraceful responses.

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 06:44

I think a lot of ‘cool wives’ giving their responses here. YANBU. I had a traumatic birth (and pregnancy) and my DH would not have buggered off for dinner during those early weeks.

It's not being a 'cool wife' to consider your husbands feelings and needs too.

Binfluencer · 29/03/2023 06:45

Agree he probably needs a break from his in laws. And you have them to help.

follyfoot37 · 29/03/2023 06:47

L3ThirtySeven · 29/03/2023 03:33

YANBU about wanting him to have another week off to manage the baby and nurse you in recovery. There are times you want parents and times you want your partner/husband. Birth can be really traumatic and it’s really unfair how society just expects us to bounce back like it’s nothing and all that matters is you have a healthy, happy baby. We matter too. So I see nothing unreasonable about asking him again to take another week off because you need him there for you.

The dinner is sort of the cherry on top- hes at work all day and now you’ve lost an evening as well. I don’t think the dinner would feel so awful a prospect to you if he were off work to be with you a bit longer. So I do agree YABU to think dinner is inappropriate as it is only a few hours and I agree he’d need an escape from in-laws house.

So, don’t be afraid to ask him and explain how you are still in pain and really need him to take another week off work due to the birth being traumatic. I hope you are right that he can actually get that time off, it’s so important for bonding as a family and for your recovery as well.

That is ridiculous

Scuttlingherbert · 29/03/2023 06:49

YANBU.
I'd imagine it's the combination of him going back to work after only 1 week, which it doesn't sound like you completely agreed on, and then him telling you rather than asking you about this dinner.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 29/03/2023 06:52

I dont think he's doing anything wrong, especially as you are with your parents.
I lived with my ILs for three years. I love them, but occassional evenings out for dinners and drinks with friends kept me sane!
Congratulations on your baby ❤️

Ladybug14 · 29/03/2023 06:52

amidsummernightsdream · 29/03/2023 06:43

I think some of the replies on here are crazy. You’ve just had your first baby a week ago, of course it’s not unreasonable to want your partner around. I understand why this dinner feels unnecessary to you, especially as you are clearly processing your birth experience.
If it was a few weeks time, fair enough but it’s week 2 and you need him. Parents or no parents you should be in it together.
I would try and explain how you feel and a good partner will understand.
Please please ignore the shocking replies, telling a postpartum mother she is being silly- disgraceful responses.

I agree with this ^

In a few weeks, maybe, but not now. Your DH is wrong to do this

But I expect he feels able to leave you as you already have the support of your parents

That will be his reasoning, I imagine

However, there's a big difference between parental support and partner support

Also, you probably feel that you want him to be in it with you, not already finding his 'freedom' 😉

BibbleandSqwauk · 29/03/2023 06:56

Im afraid I agree with the majority. You are not alone op and it's not like he's going out assuming you'll do the childcare, he absolutely 100% knows you will at this point and that's not wrong at this point. A very short bit down the line he should absolutely ask and check you don't have plans. I am not for a moment either a cool wife or a "poor menz" apologist but he has also been through a life changing experience and very tough ten days or so and may very much need to offload or decompress. Whilst mum and baby come first, they don't come second, third, fourth and fifth. He is allowed to have needs too.

Butterfly44 · 29/03/2023 06:58

You have your parents do it's not unreasonable.

Your subsequent two posts have not addressed any of the advice posters have given to you.

midsomermurderess · 29/03/2023 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And she is the natural bitch?

Itsokay2020 · 29/03/2023 07:01

@HappyButHangry could your DP be traumatised too? I see this as him going out with a friend, who isn’t particularly close, but he feels comfortable talking to him.

Its also really important that you both talk to each other, let him know how you are feeling, and encourage him to do the same.

The fact you have your parents around to support you is great, but this is a monumental change in circumstances for you all and the adjustment is huge - talking, having space etc is really important.

In your shoes, I’d support his time with friends, but I’d also be looking at time together (when you feel ready) to keep that sense of togetherness

Hiddenvoice · 29/03/2023 07:02

I’m sorry your birth was traumatic. It’s a shame he couldn’t take more time off to spend with you and your new baby. Did you talk to him about this? He may feel since you’re at your parents that you maybe don’t need him around for as much support as you would if you were living around.
Postpartum is a tough time, you feel like you’re questioning everything whilst dealing with all over the place hormones and caring for a new tiny stranger. Please talk to him, explain how you are feeling and you might find he’s happy you’re talking. It might be good for him to go out and get a little break. J know that’s hard to hear when you’re deep in it but it will also be a lot for him watching you go through a traumatic birth, not being able to stay off for longer and working whilst dealing with a newborn. Why not suggest he has dinner but could come home straight after it to help support you with bedtime and night feeds?