Page 13 | DH going out for dinner 2 weeks postpartum

HappyButHangry · 2023-03-28T23:52:48+00:00

Not sure if I'm being hormonal/unreasonable.. just had our first DC following a pretty traumatic birth a week ago. We are staying at my parents for some extra help for now (also moving houses and my parents place is a lot closer to the new place than our flat so it's just more convenient all round right now). At dinner today DH mentioned he's going out for dinner in a few days with a friend. He only had a week off for paternity leave and yesterday was his first day back in the office. He's contracting so doesn't properly qualify for anything longer although he could take an extra week off unpaid (finance-wise this is doable). I really could have done with DH being home this week but it is what it is. The dinner with the friend is annoying because firstly he isn't that sociable, he hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and I just feel like two weeks after our new baby is born it really isn't the most appropriate time. Am I being unreasonable? I guess, yes my parents are helping out but it's DH that I really want around in the evenings or when I need some emotional support.

TheCoffeeTableofDoom · 29/03/2023 14:05

Lots of things can be true at the same time. Yes he should have said it to you first, in private. Going forward you will both have to get used to running things past each other now there is a baby. When baby is toddling etc you will need to ask if DH is around before you go to the loo! Not permission, just - do you have an eye on him, because I don’t. But at the same time I don’t think the dinner is unreasonable. You are about to head into unchartered territory, you need to work as a team. Personally i think everyone needs outside people to talk to. For eg he can’t really tell you at the moment if he’s feeling overwhelmed or stressed because you have it harder (and you do!) But he needs a friend and if he is reaching out , be aware of what that means. New babies are hard on everyone . Yes harder on you! But on everyone.

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 14:05

JudgeJ · 29/03/2023 13:57

I hate the expression ‘cool wives’. On here, it is used as a put down for any woman who is even slightly capable and independent. I was accused of being a ‘cool wife’ on a previous thread. I said I could handle having my two children on my own for a weekend. I am a teacher FFS, so it would be a bit worrying if I couldn’t handle two children!

Totally agree, if a woman doesn't play into the poor me, no-one has ever had an experience like mine she is called a 'cool wife', managing a baby or, heavens forbid two children, is seen as a negative. Unless there is a genuine problem then a new baby is a doddle, even two aren't so difficult. Maybe as teachers we're far more resiliant!

It’s nothing to do with being a teacher and everything to do with being a resilient, independent human being. Perhaps it’s because I was a single parent from the time my son was three but I just can’t imagine being so dependent on someone else. It would terrify me.

Divorcedalongtime · 29/03/2023 16:18

Omg OP you seem controlling AF, of course you managed to talk hubby round to your point of view, can’t leave little old you all alone with just your parents and your baby…

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 16:52

The pile-on here is awful really.

OP is vulnerable and has just given birth... a traumatic birth. Of course she wants her husband around.

Have any of you had a traumatic birth? I was in intensive care for several days, no way would my DH have been out for dinner a week later when I was still recovering at home. Not because I told him not to - but because he saw his place as being with us. I was physically and emotionally shattered.

Did everyone else's DH go out for dinner two weeks after a traumatic birth? Did you all go out for dinner when you had a two week old DC, leaving them with DH?

People saying it's only two hours - since when has it only been two hours? In my experience, people usually mean they are going straight from work and coming home late in the evening having had several drinks.

As for 'cool wives' - I was one of the ones who said it, and I am in no way incapable. It is not a way to insult capable women. I was widowed with two very young DC - I am more than 'capable'. I still think that when there are two parents involved, the man should be at home supporting his partner until she is recovered and feels comfortable.

Two weeks after a traumatic birth is not the time to prioritise going out with a (not even very close) friend. Just what is so important about this man meeting up with a random friend he hasn't seen in nearly a year? Why can't it wait a few weeks until OP feels better?

This is where unequal parenting starts. When the man carries on 'business as usual' and the woman is left to hold the baby, literally.

EssexMamisoa · 29/03/2023 16:55

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 16:52

The pile-on here is awful really.

OP is vulnerable and has just given birth... a traumatic birth. Of course she wants her husband around.

Have any of you had a traumatic birth? I was in intensive care for several days, no way would my DH have been out for dinner a week later when I was still recovering at home. Not because I told him not to - but because he saw his place as being with us. I was physically and emotionally shattered.

Did everyone else's DH go out for dinner two weeks after a traumatic birth? Did you all go out for dinner when you had a two week old DC, leaving them with DH?

People saying it's only two hours - since when has it only been two hours? In my experience, people usually mean they are going straight from work and coming home late in the evening having had several drinks.

As for 'cool wives' - I was one of the ones who said it, and I am in no way incapable. It is not a way to insult capable women. I was widowed with two very young DC - I am more than 'capable'. I still think that when there are two parents involved, the man should be at home supporting his partner until she is recovered and feels comfortable.

Two weeks after a traumatic birth is not the time to prioritise going out with a (not even very close) friend. Just what is so important about this man meeting up with a random friend he hasn't seen in nearly a year? Why can't it wait a few weeks until OP feels better?

This is where unequal parenting starts. When the man carries on 'business as usual' and the woman is left to hold the baby, literally.

Couldn’t agree more.

Heronwatcher · 29/03/2023 16:55

I’d have been fine with this. I think new dads need a moment away as much as new mums do. I also was ready for a break from my own DH too by that stage. I would definitely have been asking him to take baby out for a walk in the pram on his own as soon as this was possible so it works both ways. Even in the early days my DH and I had a rule that each weekend (unless impossible) we’d each get some time completely to ourselves to go out for a coffee, see a friend etc and not do everything together. It was a godsend.

DilemmaADay · 29/03/2023 17:27

You need to grow up a bit OP.....living with parents and having a husband who has being guilt tripped into not seeing his friend for two hours. Do you have far more support than most people do with a new baby.

bussteward · 29/03/2023 17:35

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2023 16:52

The pile-on here is awful really.

OP is vulnerable and has just given birth... a traumatic birth. Of course she wants her husband around.

Have any of you had a traumatic birth? I was in intensive care for several days, no way would my DH have been out for dinner a week later when I was still recovering at home. Not because I told him not to - but because he saw his place as being with us. I was physically and emotionally shattered.

Did everyone else's DH go out for dinner two weeks after a traumatic birth? Did you all go out for dinner when you had a two week old DC, leaving them with DH?

People saying it's only two hours - since when has it only been two hours? In my experience, people usually mean they are going straight from work and coming home late in the evening having had several drinks.

As for 'cool wives' - I was one of the ones who said it, and I am in no way incapable. It is not a way to insult capable women. I was widowed with two very young DC - I am more than 'capable'. I still think that when there are two parents involved, the man should be at home supporting his partner until she is recovered and feels comfortable.

Two weeks after a traumatic birth is not the time to prioritise going out with a (not even very close) friend. Just what is so important about this man meeting up with a random friend he hasn't seen in nearly a year? Why can't it wait a few weeks until OP feels better?

This is where unequal parenting starts. When the man carries on 'business as usual' and the woman is left to hold the baby, literally.

All of this!

BasiliskStare · 29/03/2023 17:47

My comments were nothing to do with OP not being supported , more to do with her DH living in her parents' home and perhaps needing a breather. I think a couple of hours is fine. As I said a huge w/e away lads thing - not fine. But the difference here is Dh is living in her parents house - I can see how that might get stifling. Would a two hour run / bike ride be less awful ? I think if & when he can gives OP a chance for a little while to herself , whatever that may be , then I honestly don't think he is doing much wrong here & fwiw I speak as one who had a CS and was at home by myself & Dh had v few days paternity. But he bunged in when he could & he very much did.

Ponderingwindow · 29/03/2023 18:36

The lack of support postpartum is also why breastfeeding rates are so abysmal.

oh he needs a night off….
my husband was home washing pump parts and then taking the baby so I could get some rest since I had been up all night and day with feedings and pumping to increase supply

you should go out yourself….
That just isn’t possible with a breastfed baby of a couple of weeks old.

women need support during the fourth trimester.

ImAGoodPerson · 29/03/2023 18:40

Its a few hours one night, there are 2 other adults in the house to help for those couple of hours. It's a complete non issue for most people and in RL most people have days when their DHs aren't there for big parts of the week if they are working and don't have a 9-5.

BasiliskStare · 29/03/2023 18:54

@Ponderingwindow I am somewhat with @ImAGoodPerson here - a couple of hours isn't going to make a blind bit of difference if planned. Of course women need support ( if available to them ) - I do not disagree one jot with that . But if Dad inter alia Is working & pulling his weight with the baby ( and living with his in laws ) needs a couple of hours off I for one would not begrudge him that. & then quid pro quo - he can look after baby for a couple of hours and then OP can do something relaxing for herself.

I sometimes wonder how DH & I ever got through this stuff. But we did.

Cakeykid · 29/03/2023 18:59

DilemmaADay · 29/03/2023 17:27

You need to grow up a bit OP.....living with parents and having a husband who has being guilt tripped into not seeing his friend for two hours. Do you have far more support than most people do with a new baby.

Grow up? That's so cruel. I've already reported needlessly cruel posts which have been deleted; I really believe you are so small minded that you've read a few of the pile on posts and you're jumping on the band wagon.

OP if you're still reading, ignore this poster as well.

WifeofEvelynHugo · 30/03/2023 13:20

OP... I still do not think you are being unreasonable at all.

I am so glad you and OH have sorted it out, ignore all the noise on here.

It's not a black and white Situation, you admitted you are feeling emotional and vulnerable, and so it is completely understandable why you felt as you did.

Not one part of this has come across as though you are controlling. I am relevantly new to MN, and I am quite baffled at how unkind people can be.

please just enjoy the newborn bubble, I hope your new home is ready soon, and you and your little family are very happy.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 30/03/2023 23:53

Ponderingwindow · 29/03/2023 18:36

The lack of support postpartum is also why breastfeeding rates are so abysmal.

oh he needs a night off….
my husband was home washing pump parts and then taking the baby so I could get some rest since I had been up all night and day with feedings and pumping to increase supply

you should go out yourself….
That just isn’t possible with a breastfed baby of a couple of weeks old.

women need support during the fourth trimester.

I cringe whenever I hear the term ‘fourth trimester’, the pregnancy is over, there is no fourth trimester. It’s a nonsense term coined by someone selling it in a book.

The OP has a newborn, she isn’t pregnant anymore and everyone is allowed to have a life outside of the home.

Yes I have a baby myself, yes it was a ‘traumatic’ birth (c-section, 2 weeks in hospital, suspected meningitis, maternal sepsis, terrorist attack) and no, I wouldn’t have had an issue with my husband seeing a friend, I’d have encouraged it, especially if we’d been living with my parents. I felt that my husband’s mental health deteriorated quickly because he was trying to be everything to us and giving himself nothing. He should have gone out for a pint with a mate and had some time away.

PinkSyCo · 31/03/2023 00:41

I think that you are very lucky to be staying with and having the full support of your parents. I doubt your DH is feeling so lucky about having to stay with the in-laws though. Let the poor sod get out for a couple of hours for some breathing space.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 31/03/2023 02:25

So for two weeks you are lucky enough to have three grown adults helping you out and you begrudge for one evening only having the support of 2? You are staying with your parents so also have probably v little house worn or cooking etc to do also? Your husband has a new baby too and is away from his own home and staying with his inlaws so give him a break. He more than likely needs it. Staying with your in laws is more stressful than staying with your own parents. Wise up. It may have been different if it was just the two of you. Sounds like you have it easier than most.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/03/2023 09:12

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 31/03/2023 02:25

So for two weeks you are lucky enough to have three grown adults helping you out and you begrudge for one evening only having the support of 2? You are staying with your parents so also have probably v little house worn or cooking etc to do also? Your husband has a new baby too and is away from his own home and staying with his inlaws so give him a break. He more than likely needs it. Staying with your in laws is more stressful than staying with your own parents. Wise up. It may have been different if it was just the two of you. Sounds like you have it easier than most.

Her husband isn't 'helping her out', he's equally parenting their baby when he's home as he should be.

I don't agree with OP but I also disagree with acting like baby is only OP's responsibility and her husband is just 'helping' her when he fancies it.

ImustLearn2Cook · 31/03/2023 10:22

EssexMamisoa · 29/03/2023 16:55

Couldn’t agree more.

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I too couldn’t agree more. Well said @Sapphire387.

@HappyButHangry you do not deserve the pile on and good on you for the way you have responded. Hope you make a good recovery from the birth and congratulations for you and your Dh for your newborn baby 💐🥳💖