Is this really what 'friends' do?

[hollypolly12]

Dh and I had our first night out with some friends at weekend since having our 2 year old.

Group of 15 or so of us booked an air bnb in a city about 2hrs from us to celebrate a birthday of one of the friends.

Friday night we had a group message from one friend asking if we can chip in an extra £5pp for the air bnb as one friend had dropped out and not yet paid the air bnb. Fine, whatever. I was a bit put out initially as i didn't get why the friend that dropped out hadn't paid when it was booked months ago. This wasn't a surprise for this particular friend as they often drop out of things last minute.

We had a good night over all. Dh and I have a joint account for things like this so all our spending went on there. We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once. We in the end spent a small fortune but we didn't mind as it was good to see our friends and we hadn't been out with them for a while.

We drove the 2hrs and took 4 people with us. Friend that asked for air bnb money, in the car said not to pay as we drove. Fine, however still Not sure why it was up to us to cover cost of other friend. Other 3 didn't make a peep about chipping in for fuel or parking.
Again, we actually weren't bothered as that's what friends do?

Until we got a group message from another friend in the group last night asking if everyone could send them £4 each as they went to the shop on the way back to the air bnb and bought some drinks which they offered to share.
I did ask them to get milk so we could have coffee the next morning and they bought the smallest one which I offered money for and at the time they said no.
It's really not about the amount of money, it's the principle of it.

I know for certain that non of them are strapped for cash as we have open conversations about money etc. I know times are hard though but I would never in a million years message the group to ask everyone to pay us back for all the drinks we bought?

Aibu?

YANBU. I’d be pricing up how much they cost you in drinks and asking them to reimburse you.

If people aren’t participating in rounds, you shouldn’t buy them drinks. As you can see, people will take advantage of you.

Large group gatherings like this will always have casualties.

Personally I have been burnt with things like this. Mainly because I’m too “nice”

always getting the coffee in ect or the next round .

then feeling put out that it hasn’t been reciprocated.

just get your own things in future, buy your own drinks and don’t get rounds .

no one will bat an eye , just say ‘oh let’s just get our own it’s just easier’

don’t let resentment over £4 get ruin your weekend away

send over the £4 for the milk , and think about what a nice weekend you had

Don’t overthink it and loose the friendship for £4.

next time ask upfront for petrol money and skip buying rounds. Keep it simple.

Yes I agree, I'm always offering to pay. Not because I'm loaded by any means but with other friends they just return the favour "I'll get coffee next time" etc which they always do.

I enjoyed a child free night with DH so that's the main thing!

See, I wouldn't even think to ask. However if someone gave me a lift I'd instantly give them something.

We won't lose friendship over it we just won't be doing the same again 😂

I think you could legitimately send a text back to say ‘come on, we don’t really want to do it this way, do we? I mean, I can work out exactly what everyone owes for the rounds of drink we bought, but I’d rather not start trying to account for everything as it changes the dynamics. If people disagree, can I suggest next time we all just pay for ourselves and then we don’t have to keep track?’ Or some such - if you don’t address it, it will set a precedent and it might not be one that the majority actually feel comfortable with.

Could you just ignore the text and if they ever have the brass neck to bring it up again then you could recount all the drinks you bought and the fact you drove?

There were too many people and too many opinions for this to ever go smoothly. Boundaries next time and just sort yourselves out. Either everyone is in it together or everyone is out. Half and half don't work.

We have so far because im still a bit gobsmacked. My dh is the most laid back person I've ever known but even he got wound up at it and said we aren't sending the £8

Next time we will just sort ourselves without a doubt

I wouldn't even respond. If chased I would reply I assumed that wasn't meant to include us as we bought X rounds of drinks.

I’d agree with this.

Yes I agree - do this

Next time suggest a Kitty?

some big groups of friends always end up like this.

I’d message the mate asking for milk money saying thanks for getting the milk, but we bought a good few rounds so we’e even.

and next time ask people for petrol money if you want.

Glad you had a good time

This is bonkers

When we go away with friends we split travel and food/drink costs

YANBU but also try not to take it personally. I have also been burned like this, people pulling out of things but expecting others to pay, not chipping in for tips, asking for petty amounts of money back. It’s annoying but people have different attitudes to money and approaches to asking for people to chip in etc. I wouldn’t say it makes them bad friends, just now you know to be more Dutch with them rather than generous with rounds etc.

We have done exactly this! We are getting together end of April for a local festival and I imagine if it's mentioned it will be brought up then. But I very much doubt it.

We will have our children with us so won't be drinking. None of them have kids so they can sort themselves out.

How much did you spend on drinks and petrol?

PS for future holidays with groups use the app splitwise! Then it’s a given that drinks etc are all split. I mean you can still get issues with that but it does make things easier.

Message them directly (not everyone) with a counter bill and your bank details. Thanks for reminding us to settle up....

In future, use the app Splitwise.
It's brilliant for big group holidays.
Everyone gets the app, joins the account, and records all their spending and the app works out who owes who what at the end.
Life changing! And much easier than a kitty.

No, this isn’t how most friends are. We go away with big groups of up to twenty people regularly and everything’s always done very fairly, with usually a spreadsheet for working out costs and deducting where due if somebody got a less good room / drove some friends there / picked up shopping.

Why did you buy so many rounds? I can’t imagine any of my friends I’m close enough to to go away on holiday with, allowing any one or two members of the group to buy several rounds of drinks whilst others bought none. It just doesn’t happen, if anything everyone I know will insist it’s their turn to buy next! And any one of us would speak up to point out that somebody was buying too many or somebody too few, if it ever did arise.

This is what I would do too.

Did anyone bring a pasta bake?