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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really what 'friends' do?

191 replies

hollypolly12 · 28/03/2023 22:01

Dh and I had our first night out with some friends at weekend since having our 2 year old.

Group of 15 or so of us booked an air bnb in a city about 2hrs from us to celebrate a birthday of one of the friends.

Friday night we had a group message from one friend asking if we can chip in an extra £5pp for the air bnb as one friend had dropped out and not yet paid the air bnb. Fine, whatever. I was a bit put out initially as i didn't get why the friend that dropped out hadn't paid when it was booked months ago. This wasn't a surprise for this particular friend as they often drop out of things last minute.

We had a good night over all. Dh and I have a joint account for things like this so all our spending went on there. We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once. We in the end spent a small fortune but we didn't mind as it was good to see our friends and we hadn't been out with them for a while.

We drove the 2hrs and took 4 people with us. Friend that asked for air bnb money, in the car said not to pay as we drove. Fine, however still Not sure why it was up to us to cover cost of other friend. Other 3 didn't make a peep about chipping in for fuel or parking.
Again, we actually weren't bothered as that's what friends do?

Until we got a group message from another friend in the group last night asking if everyone could send them £4 each as they went to the shop on the way back to the air bnb and bought some drinks which they offered to share.
I did ask them to get milk so we could have coffee the next morning and they bought the smallest one which I offered money for and at the time they said no.
It's really not about the amount of money, it's the principle of it.

I know for certain that non of them are strapped for cash as we have open conversations about money etc. I know times are hard though but I would never in a million years message the group to ask everyone to pay us back for all the drinks we bought?

Aibu?

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 29/03/2023 11:48

IMustDoMoreExercise · 29/03/2023 11:20

No, I didn't he is still the most generous man I know. Why on earth should he buy all the drinks and no-one else buy anything?

Are you one of the people who never offer to buy drinks and just take advantage of generous people?

Show quote history

No, quite the opposite.

I buy rounds and petrol and gifts on the basis that I want to and that most people will reciprocate over time. I find it excrutiating and embarrassing to be tapped for a few quid here and there because other people are mean and are counting every penny. (Unless, of course, people are counting every penny - but that's not the situation here according to the OP.)

gamerchick · 29/03/2023 11:50

Just message back saying you think you paid enough out and if everyone would like you to tot up what you did for them to split between them to just let you know.

Boltonb · 29/03/2023 11:50

I agree about buying your own drinks. It’s just easier, and avoids these situations.

If someone is asking for £4 each, it means they’ve spent £60 (there are 15 of you) which is not an insignificant amount of money. So maybe reasonable that they want to be reimbursed for the £60ish, but just aren’t taking into account whether some of the group have paid a large amount for anything else. It’s just messy, and could have been avoided by buying your own drinks

Highfivemum · 29/03/2023 11:59

Shame that your weekend away has now been tarnished by someone asking for money. I would not pay it. You have spent enough already and if they wanted to shop then that was up to them. You offered for the milk. They refused. They didn’t refuse and say don’t worry I will bill you later ! I learnt my lesson the hard way…My final straw was going for a lunch with my DH and my friend and her partner. We were deep in convo and my DH paid the bill at the bar. My friend and partner said they would pay for the drinks . They paid for their own and we had another bill
foe our drinks !!! She did this twice to me and even told me to leave a tip on the table as she never carried money. Lesson learnt now always pay for what we have.

EyesOnThePies · 29/03/2023 12:00

Is the one who asked for extra drinks money one of the ones you gave a lift to?

I would just ignore.

If they have the brass neck to follow it up message 'shall we net it off agianst petrol and parking?'

MarieRoseMarie · 29/03/2023 12:10

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2023 11:02

But it’s okay because you and your friends lie and pretend they were out of expensive drinks to stop people buying them? That’s crazy.

I never said that we do that - just that some people could use it as an 'out' if they have greedy freeloading friends - which, thankfully, I don't.

I do agree with you, though: rounds can be a good thing in some situations, but should not be used as the default on all occasions.

They probably stemmed from small groups of blokes at the pub who were all regularly drinking the same pints at the same rate, so it made it simpler - as long as you have exactly the same number of rounds as drinkers, or otherwise fairly roll it over to the next time. You quite quickly learn who is happy to take part in fair rounds, to respect those who prefer to just get their own drinks, and to steer well clear of those who always accept a drink but then go home/to the toilet/don't offer just before it's their round. It probably also works better in Ireland, where, I hear, people will fight to pay, rather than to avoid paying!

I completely agree with you and you are right there are some places where it makes complete sense. Ireland sounds fun 😁

But, yeah, I think with 15 people in a bar on a trip away, It’s a bit too tricky for rounds. It also doesn’t sound like it was rounds. Sounds like the OP bought a few drinks here and there.

MarieRoseMarie · 29/03/2023 12:13

I also think the consent and agreement around rounds is key. They shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I wouldn’t expect to do rounds with 15 people on a weekend away, So to me, the OP is being presumptuous expecting me to pay for her “display of generosity” that is really not generosity because she’s expecting to get it back in kind.

Original poster
hollypolly12 · 29/03/2023 12:17

Just to clarify, we bought drinks at different times throughout the night. It wasn't rounds as such.
However for the drinks, parking, petrol etc we weren't expecting any reimbursement.
Because our idea that with friends surely it always evens out in the end if every got bits and pieces here and there?
We were having a nice time with friends.
The friends in question took it upon themselves to go to the shop on the way back for more booze

OP posts:
Folklore9074 · 29/03/2023 12:17

KeepingKeepingOn · 28/03/2023 22:14

I think you could legitimately send a text back to say ‘come on, we don’t really want to do it this way, do we? I mean, I can work out exactly what everyone owes for the rounds of drink we bought, but I’d rather not start trying to account for everything as it changes the dynamics. If people disagree, can I suggest next time we all just pay for ourselves and then we don’t have to keep track?’ Or some such - if you don’t address it, it will set a precedent and it might not be one that the majority actually feel comfortable with.

this ^

MasterBeth · 29/03/2023 12:20

It probably also works better in Ireland, where, I hear, people will fight to pay, rather than to avoid paying!

This is not an exclusively Irish thing, it's a "get the right friends" thing.

Nolongera · 29/03/2023 12:22

Back when I used to go out to pubs and buy in rounds, I noticed there were certain people who would always try to buy last then disappear home when it got near their second round.

Tight gits.

I used to go to the pub Sunday lunch time with my sister and her husband, for some unknown reason some couples think they count as one in rounds.

we would always have 3 pints each, I would always buy first and last, so they paid for 3 pints yet drank six and I paid for 6 pints yet drank 3.

After several YEARS of this I pointed it out one day and was slagged off for being tight.

Original poster
hollypolly12 · 29/03/2023 12:26

MasterBeth · 29/03/2023 12:20

It probably also works better in Ireland, where, I hear, people will fight to pay, rather than to avoid paying!

This is not an exclusively Irish thing, it's a "get the right friends" thing.

Funnily enough, I am Irish now living in the uk. My mother was always very generous, she didn't have much but would've given you that last euro in her pocket if you needed it.

OP posts:
Phoebo · 29/03/2023 12:33

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 28/03/2023 22:10

Don’t overthink it and loose the friendship for £4.

next time ask upfront for petrol money and skip buying rounds. Keep it simple.

This. But equally I don't think I could be friends with people so cheap. I never ask friends for money or vice versa!

happysingleversary · 29/03/2023 12:41

Just reply 'just take it off the petrol money' and say nothing more.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/03/2023 12:52

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/03/2023 22:48

No, this isn’t how most friends are. We go away with big groups of up to twenty people regularly and everything’s always done very fairly, with usually a spreadsheet for working out costs and deducting where due if somebody got a less good room / drove some friends there / picked up shopping.

Why did you buy so many rounds? I can’t imagine any of my friends I’m close enough to to go away on holiday with, allowing any one or two members of the group to buy several rounds of drinks whilst others bought none. It just doesn’t happen, if anything everyone I know will insist it’s their turn to buy next! And any one of us would speak up to point out that somebody was buying too many or somebody too few, if it ever did arise.

Same here...went out last night and we drank our drinks a bit quicker than the others and went up to the bar again and asked the other people if they wanted anything...they all jumped in and said it was their shout this time...it's how it should be.

NeedToChangeName · 29/03/2023 13:33

DrPrunesquallor · 29/03/2023 10:24

We regularly go away with friends.
We never have to deal with anyone asking for money
We tend to organise who cooks on what night and pay for those meals plus alcohol.
People will bring extra drinks just to leave for everyone to help themselves.
Everyone brings food for breakfast, snacks etc. I don’t even notice what people bring it’s a help yourself.

If we go for a walk and stop off at a pub everyone takes turns buying rounds it’s just an unspoken rule. I suppose.
There was one friend of a friend that used to offer a round of drinks when everyones drinks were full, so people said no. A close friend started realising this sneaky tactic and started saying yes thanks. We stopped inviting them in the end. Quite mean.
If someone dropped out, I’d be happy to pay their share but insist they pay up front the next time.

If it becomes obvious some people never buy a round ( and we have relatives like this ) I’d just say “ it’s your round”.

Don’t go home dwelling on it, it’s not right, it’s not fare.

@DrPrunesquallor I think your way is fine. When we go away with our friends, we split all the costs, and that's fine too

Problem for OP is two different approaches within the same group

AuntViv · 29/03/2023 14:04

She's probably not realised or forgotten that you didn't have any drinks and it's a general message as £4 each from that many people must mean she's spent quite a lot and probably quite out of pocket. Just remind her to discount you as you didn't have any drinks and give her a quid for the milk to shut her up :)

PinkSyCo · 29/03/2023 15:00

hollypolly12 · 29/03/2023 10:13

We didn't throw money around. We don't have it to throw around.
We went away with friends for the first time in a long time. We spent our fair share buying drinks etc when we went to the bar, but we were happy to as they are our mates.

It's not about the £4, I just didn't know if I was on my own thinking I wouldn't chase a group of friends for £4 each for booze I bought.

Show quote history

You went with 15 other people and you stated that you bought lots of rounds and only received one drink in return. If that is not throwing your money around I don’t know what is. I would not have been able to do this, but then I would not be quibbling over £4 either.

Sickofcoughing · 29/03/2023 17:22

They sound tight in general.

One friend didn't show and didn't cover her cost.

Two friends sat in the car while the conversation about you driving covered cost of absent friend yet they never mentioned paying for petrol.

It doesn't matter if you were in an official round, if someone buys me a drink at the bar then I make it my business (and yes I'm Irish) to seek them out and buy one back even if I'm not having another drink myself.

Asking for four euro for something you chose to purchase yourself is a massive cringefest.

Newnamenewname109870 · 29/03/2023 17:30

In a way it sounds petty but I do think everyone is worrying about money more lately. I personally wouldn’t be fussed and now you can feel free to ask for some money for fuel if you like.

Original poster
hollypolly12 · 29/03/2023 18:04

Sickofcoughing · 29/03/2023 17:22

They sound tight in general.

One friend didn't show and didn't cover her cost.

Two friends sat in the car while the conversation about you driving covered cost of absent friend yet they never mentioned paying for petrol.

It doesn't matter if you were in an official round, if someone buys me a drink at the bar then I make it my business (and yes I'm Irish) to seek them out and buy one back even if I'm not having another drink myself.

Asking for four euro for something you chose to purchase yourself is a massive cringefest.

This is exactly it!
Thanks so much 😄

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 29/03/2023 22:03

Thanks to this thread, I learned what a "kitty" is in this context (English is not my first language).

Madamum18 · 30/03/2023 18:45

I think that payment/drink rounds etiquette etc needs to be discussed and agreed in advance. ie Are we all buying a round for everyone, or are we just paying for our own drinks. How are we going to cover stuff like milk, coffee etc for the weekend.? Or agree that everyone pays so much into a general expenses fund And so on. If not then stick to buying your own stuff and leave them to it

midlander79 · 30/03/2023 18:55

Not RTFT but I have learned to be very firm with things like this. I might buy one round, but after that I'd say 'no thanks, we've still got our drinks, we'll (or I'll) sort ourselves out. People take the piss-even usually nice ones! When it comes to money, car shares, drinks.
Glad you had a good time