Is this really what 'friends' do?

[hollypolly12]

Dh and I had our first night out with some friends at weekend since having our 2 year old.

Group of 15 or so of us booked an air bnb in a city about 2hrs from us to celebrate a birthday of one of the friends.

Friday night we had a group message from one friend asking if we can chip in an extra £5pp for the air bnb as one friend had dropped out and not yet paid the air bnb. Fine, whatever. I was a bit put out initially as i didn't get why the friend that dropped out hadn't paid when it was booked months ago. This wasn't a surprise for this particular friend as they often drop out of things last minute.

We had a good night over all. Dh and I have a joint account for things like this so all our spending went on there. We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once. We in the end spent a small fortune but we didn't mind as it was good to see our friends and we hadn't been out with them for a while.

We drove the 2hrs and took 4 people with us. Friend that asked for air bnb money, in the car said not to pay as we drove. Fine, however still Not sure why it was up to us to cover cost of other friend. Other 3 didn't make a peep about chipping in for fuel or parking.
Again, we actually weren't bothered as that's what friends do?

Until we got a group message from another friend in the group last night asking if everyone could send them £4 each as they went to the shop on the way back to the air bnb and bought some drinks which they offered to share.
I did ask them to get milk so we could have coffee the next morning and they bought the smallest one which I offered money for and at the time they said no.
It's really not about the amount of money, it's the principle of it.

I know for certain that non of them are strapped for cash as we have open conversations about money etc. I know times are hard though but I would never in a million years message the group to ask everyone to pay us back for all the drinks we bought?

Aibu?

I think you were generous. I don't think you were too generous.

People like generous people. Generous people are kind. So much better to be thought of as generous rather than mean AND to be generous rather than mean.

Sending out passive aggressive post-event notes moaning about buying rounds makes you look mean when you are actually generous. They are your friends. You had a great time. Don't spoil it now by overthinking it.

The correct response is to suck it up, bitch a bit abut how mean your frineds are and feel morally kind and generous.

😂

I also wonder if the person who asked for the money was someone who you gave a lift to or was someone who you bought drinks for and didn't reciprocate? I think, if so, it's ok to mention it to them and say you'll call it quits, but I think, if not, then just because you bought drinks for others in the group or gave lifts to others in the group, that doesn't really mean anything to the person who bought drinks and snacks for everyone expecting to be paid back.

reply, "x, y an z can cover my £4 from their petrol money contribution!"

I couldn't do with having such tight friends. How annoying. That said, it wouldn't have been fair on the booker to have to cover the cost of the friedn who didn't come, I think it's fair enough this is split out.

I hate this type of situation. I have recently lost a friend because of it. I paid her share of a very expensive birthday lunch £100+. Next time we were out it was me, her and her hungry 18 year old daughter. She asked to spilt the bill, I said no as I no longer drink and didn't want to pay for at least half of her daughter's lunch. Never seen her again socially!
I now just pay for my family.

How much did the weekend cost you?

We use this app for weekends away with friends. You record what you spend, who is sharing the cost & at the end, it does all the arithmetic to work out the sums due. Really helpful https://www.splitwise.com/

I suppose the difficulty in OP's group is that some people are "we'll all pay bits and pieces and it probably evens out", whereas others are "keep a note of what you spent and ask everyone to pay their share". Both approaches are probably OK, but OP's group aren't consistently applying one rule or the other

It’s done now, you enjoyed yourself, just move on and don’t put a cloud over it.

I think ultimately you’re annoyed at yourself here for buying rounds when that didn’t seem to be the done thing so you just screwed yourself over.

it’s really common that everyone chips in to household goods when using self catering accommodation and honestly I just couldn’t find myself getting annoyed over such little amounts of money!

I say this as someone who recently dropped out of a similar weekend and lost £200, it would’ve been nice if everyone had chipped in and paid me back especially as my partner ended up sharing a room and one of the girls then got a room to herself, but some things you just don’t bother with! Especially amongst friends!

Also just to add even though what I said about the round of drinks, it is pretty shitty for people to accept drinks with no intention of buying them back!

We spent approx 225+ including fuel and parking. Plus the cost of the air bnb a few months ago.

Honestly, I am over it. I hadn't thought twice about what we spent until we were chased for more money after we got home.

Next time we will just sort ourselves out then there is no confusion 😊

Actually I find myself agreeing with @MasterBeth . You were happy to pay for those drinks, an extra £8 is annoying but not worth souring the whole friendship group for.

Pay it up and for next group trip suggest splitwise and ask for petrol money and split parking costs.

I think you have to view the rounds and the other costs differently. You offered to buy people drinks and that is really your treat (personally I would reciprocate but some people are tight).
Parking and petrol you should have asked for a contribution as others did for their costs. The drinks at the end of the night should only have been split between those who had some.
The cost for the unused place should be split if the original drop out wont pay.
I would just match the tone and request petrol and parking contribution fronthose who did not offer anything but I dont think its appropriate to ask for reimbursement for rounds.

This - with knobs on

If I threw my money around like you did at the weekend I’d feel a bit weird about quibbling over a couple of quid now, unless the person asking for the money is one of the people you gave a lift to and/or bought a lot of drinks for, in which case I might refuse to pay up out of principle.

How much did you actually spend on drinks that night?

Yeash I really am not keen on people who display cheap and cheeky behaviour like this. It's always rich people who are tightest and will try to get away with stuff. You just have to speak up for yourself and ask for contributions upfront. And learn to stop yourself jumping in and offering to pay for things!

My husband would always be the one to buy drinks etc. That soon stopped after we got together. Now he only offers once.

We didn't throw money around. We don't have it to throw around.
We went away with friends for the first time in a long time. We spent our fair share buying drinks etc when we went to the bar, but we were happy to as they are our mates.

It's not about the £4, I just didn't know if I was on my own thinking I wouldn't chase a group of friends for £4 each for booze I bought.

Well done. You've turned the generous man you were attracted to into a meanie.

We won't be offering again that's for sure 😂

We regularly go away with friends.
We never have to deal with anyone asking for money
We tend to organise who cooks on what night and pay for those meals plus alcohol.
People will bring extra drinks just to leave for everyone to help themselves.
Everyone brings food for breakfast, snacks etc. I don’t even notice what people bring it’s a help yourself.

If we go for a walk and stop off at a pub everyone takes turns buying rounds it’s just an unspoken rule. I suppose.
There was one friend of a friend that used to offer a round of drinks when everyones drinks were full, so people said no. A close friend started realising this sneaky tactic and started saying yes thanks. We stopped inviting them in the end. Quite mean.
If someone dropped out, I’d be happy to pay their share but insist they pay up front the next time.

If it becomes obvious some people never buy a round ( and we have relatives like this ) I’d just say “ it’s your round”.

Don’t go home dwelling on it, it’s not right, it’s not fare.

So you spent what you consider to be "[your] fair share".

The other person evidently feels they spent more than their fair share.

I think driving costs are a difficult one. In the groups of friends I'm in, it's generally a different person that drives each time so no one offers petrol as it evens out over time. If you're the one that always drives, it becomes a different equation.

But buying rounds is exactly equivalent to bill splitting! One person buys a Diet Coke but is subsidising someone else’s cocktail.

The OP is the person buying lobster and asking people to subsidise it.

I started refusing to do rounds years ago, unless in a very small group where everyone was good about their turn.

My favourite was when we went out with another couple and she didn't work so somehow it was just the other three of us that bought the rounds - I blamed both of them, he should have been paying up when it was her turn.