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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really what 'friends' do?

191 replies

hollypolly12 · 28/03/2023 22:01

Dh and I had our first night out with some friends at weekend since having our 2 year old.

Group of 15 or so of us booked an air bnb in a city about 2hrs from us to celebrate a birthday of one of the friends.

Friday night we had a group message from one friend asking if we can chip in an extra £5pp for the air bnb as one friend had dropped out and not yet paid the air bnb. Fine, whatever. I was a bit put out initially as i didn't get why the friend that dropped out hadn't paid when it was booked months ago. This wasn't a surprise for this particular friend as they often drop out of things last minute.

We had a good night over all. Dh and I have a joint account for things like this so all our spending went on there. We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once. We in the end spent a small fortune but we didn't mind as it was good to see our friends and we hadn't been out with them for a while.

We drove the 2hrs and took 4 people with us. Friend that asked for air bnb money, in the car said not to pay as we drove. Fine, however still Not sure why it was up to us to cover cost of other friend. Other 3 didn't make a peep about chipping in for fuel or parking.
Again, we actually weren't bothered as that's what friends do?

Until we got a group message from another friend in the group last night asking if everyone could send them £4 each as they went to the shop on the way back to the air bnb and bought some drinks which they offered to share.
I did ask them to get milk so we could have coffee the next morning and they bought the smallest one which I offered money for and at the time they said no.
It's really not about the amount of money, it's the principle of it.

I know for certain that non of them are strapped for cash as we have open conversations about money etc. I know times are hard though but I would never in a million years message the group to ask everyone to pay us back for all the drinks we bought?

Aibu?

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 28/03/2023 22:51

The last time I did one of these the host and hostess had the foresight to limit the group and the invitations to people who it was known wouldn't cause issues either with money or behaviour.

Tighten your circle to the fair and the reliable

NBLarsen · 28/03/2023 22:52

@Throwncrumbs 😂🤣

Scaredd · 28/03/2023 22:53

Just say

Hey guys,

Hope you're all good! Had such a great time with you all the other night. It was awesome to catch up and have a few drinks together. I just wanted to touch base about the expenses that came up during the night.

We all bought rounds of drinks and had a blast, but we were a bit surprised to get a request for payment after the fact. It would be great if we could make sure to agree on expenses beforehand to avoid any confusion in the future.

Also, we were happy to cover the air bnb expenses for our friends, but it would have been helpful to know beforehand. No hard feelings at all, but just wanted to mention it for future reference!

Anyway, didn't want to bring down the mood, just wanted to clear the air. Can't wait for the next time we all hang out!

MasterBeth · 28/03/2023 23:43

Hi,

Not bothered about this at all. Barely thinking about it. Just thought I'd write a passive aggressive note rather than sucking up the £4 extras bill you sent me and feeling slightly superior to you. I think it's much healthier to bring things into the open and pretty much call you money-grabbing and mean when I could just let it go. Also, next time, let's count every penny off on a spreadsheet because that sounds like fun.

Love you lots,

AlexaFeedMyKids · 28/03/2023 23:50

See I understand the £5 extra, well I don't because CF drop out should have paid. But it needed paying.

I would never have taken petrol money off my friends when I was driving there anyway.

You chose to buy all them drinks at the bar so you can't use that on anyone. Although CF's could have returned the gesture.

And if someone has run the shop for £60 worth of alcohol(?), then I kind of get them saying does everyone want to throw in and we will all share.

McSlowburn · 29/03/2023 00:37

YANBU!! Seriously?

Autienotnautie · 29/03/2023 02:56

You see this is the problem, you have paid petrol and bought drinks as your contribution to the night (as well as paying your share) but they ask for contributions and your being funny if you don't pay.

I once went on a weekend away , there was five couples. Cottage split evenly so no issues. Food - we were there 2 nights, myself and dh and another couple bought about 80% of the food. The other 6 bought next to nothing but happily tucked in to what we bought. One of the cf couples got it in their heads we would need to bring cleaning products so asked for £1 each to get some bits. We humoured them and agreed, they turned up with a massive box of products and said it was more expensive than they expected and we owed £9 a couple! To be clear they spent £45 on cleaning products (this was more than ten years ago) and then we never needed them as the cottage supplied everything and they took it away with them.

Autienotnautie · 29/03/2023 02:58

I think I would either ignore the message or counter request petrol/parking contributions.

2023IHateYou · 29/03/2023 03:02

I hate group holidays for this reason. It's so cheeky and cheap. It causes so much anxiety and resentment, I sometimes think it's not worth the bother. We have a group we go skiing with every year and after this winter, I'm not doing it again.

aloris · 29/03/2023 03:31

Work out how much you spent on rounds of drinks, petrol and parking, and send around a request for that. Nothing wrong with them working out how much they are owed but it only works if everyone does it. If they do it then they can't get mad at you for doing the same.

KissesTasteLikeWhiskey · 29/03/2023 03:33

It’s not what good friends do. We regularly have nights out and weekends away as a group of at least 12 of us but there’s never been any shit like this.

Hoistupthemainsail · 29/03/2023 03:39

God I had a similar thing recently but I was on the other end. Went for a weekend away, said I didn't want to go in rounds and friends kept buying me drinks. I kept saying no thank you and didn't drink them - what a waste. But friends wouldn't listen and kept pressuring me to drink. Ffs. Drinks kept appearing and I kept saying no it's ok. Then they get sarky that I haven't bought a round?

ShandaLear · 29/03/2023 04:47

Just no. People can’t just buy whatever they want and then charge you for it. That’s bonkers.

LaBellina · 29/03/2023 04:58

Oh I get the feeling. I once took a friend on a fully paid holiday (by me) and she asked me back for the £5 she had to chip in because I didn’t have the cash on me at that time to completely pay for our delivery pizza. I gave it back without saying anything but I never forgot the cheapness.

Learn your lesson from this, some people are just cheap and treat them accordingly from now on.

SpookyBlackCat · 29/03/2023 05:05

KeepingKeepingOn · 28/03/2023 22:14

I think you could legitimately send a text back to say ‘come on, we don’t really want to do it this way, do we? I mean, I can work out exactly what everyone owes for the rounds of drink we bought, but I’d rather not start trying to account for everything as it changes the dynamics. If people disagree, can I suggest next time we all just pay for ourselves and then we don’t have to keep track?’ Or some such - if you don’t address it, it will set a precedent and it might not be one that the majority actually feel comfortable with.

I actually agree with this. People get away with this behavior because others are too polite to say something to them. While I get it's awkward to have the money conversation, it's a really important conversation to have.

For example, next time, the person organising needs to be clear that if you drop out after the deposit is paid, you still have to pay your share.

Don't be so overly generous with people by buying rounds. Not everyone can afford rounds. Just buy your own drinks and have a kitty for food.

nomoremerlot · 29/03/2023 05:14

MyrrAgain · 28/03/2023 22:20

There were too many people and too many opinions for this to ever go smoothly. Boundaries next time and just sort yourselves out. Either everyone is in it together or everyone is out. Half and half don't work.

This 100%

stayathomer · 29/03/2023 05:32

I think they got into more debt through this than they thought. It’s difficult to organise for so many people and I think sometimes you just have to go with the flow or don’t go. They shouldn’t have organised but then an extra four or five each as opposed to the amount they’d have to pay (whether they can afford to or not), is a big thing. If you didn’t enjoy it you didn’t, if you did, great! Definitely give them the money, they’ve no doubt 14 other people trying not to give them the money too!

MooFroo · 29/03/2023 05:33

In groups always have a kitty for stuff like this including drinks rounds - everyone puts in £x amount and that’s your petty cash for the main stuff. As long as one person doesn’t always have champagne while others have lemonade, that works well!

SpookyBlackCat · 29/03/2023 05:34

Don't be so overly generous with people by buying rounds. Not everyone can afford rounds. Just buy your own drinks and have a kitty for food.

Actually, now I'm wondering if this was the group dynamic and the OP and her husband misread things a bit. I think if others weren't into buying rounds, then I would have stopped. I think it would have been fine to ask the people they drove to chip in for petrol and parking. I think if someone agreed to do a booze run for everyone, then it's natural they want reimbursing. So, I probably would pay but be more careful next time.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 05:55

Real friends buy rounds back if you’ve bought them a drink

shutthewindownow · 29/03/2023 05:59

No it isn't. You need new friends. Bunch of tight arses I'd be embarrassed

WhenDovesFly · 29/03/2023 06:07

Blimey, how much did they spend on drinks at the shop to want £4 from 15 or so people?

Was this person one of the ones you gave a lift to?

I'd defo be ignoring the text.

malificent7 · 29/03/2023 06:49

Never do rounds...always a bad idea.

XlemonX · 29/03/2023 06:50

even though you enjoyed a weekend away, i dont think friends should be unfair. I have often been in your situation and we have now learnt to not be so generous, especially if it will bother us afterwards. Only be generous if you really would not mind it

MaPaSpa · 29/03/2023 06:54

You can always ask for petrol now, just something light an breezy.