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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really what 'friends' do?

191 replies

hollypolly12 · 28/03/2023 22:01

Dh and I had our first night out with some friends at weekend since having our 2 year old.

Group of 15 or so of us booked an air bnb in a city about 2hrs from us to celebrate a birthday of one of the friends.

Friday night we had a group message from one friend asking if we can chip in an extra £5pp for the air bnb as one friend had dropped out and not yet paid the air bnb. Fine, whatever. I was a bit put out initially as i didn't get why the friend that dropped out hadn't paid when it was booked months ago. This wasn't a surprise for this particular friend as they often drop out of things last minute.

We had a good night over all. Dh and I have a joint account for things like this so all our spending went on there. We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once. We in the end spent a small fortune but we didn't mind as it was good to see our friends and we hadn't been out with them for a while.

We drove the 2hrs and took 4 people with us. Friend that asked for air bnb money, in the car said not to pay as we drove. Fine, however still Not sure why it was up to us to cover cost of other friend. Other 3 didn't make a peep about chipping in for fuel or parking.
Again, we actually weren't bothered as that's what friends do?

Until we got a group message from another friend in the group last night asking if everyone could send them £4 each as they went to the shop on the way back to the air bnb and bought some drinks which they offered to share.
I did ask them to get milk so we could have coffee the next morning and they bought the smallest one which I offered money for and at the time they said no.
It's really not about the amount of money, it's the principle of it.

I know for certain that non of them are strapped for cash as we have open conversations about money etc. I know times are hard though but I would never in a million years message the group to ask everyone to pay us back for all the drinks we bought?

Aibu?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 29/03/2023 08:16

Sierra26 · 29/03/2023 07:56

next time use Tricount - we use it for trips. Everyone puts their expenses in including rounds and you balance it up at the end.

im response to the text -

“here’s the £8 for us. On that note, we got several rounds in and spent around £xxx on petrol etc. We don’t have the exact amount to split so we’ll just call it even this time, but let’s next time try this app Tricount?”

Then set that boundary at the start of the trip

Actually this response is better as nobody can take offence at it, ut it really makes the point well.

Nopinnogin · 29/03/2023 08:18

Sadly, jn groups this does happen. However

  1. you were discounted £5 for driving
  2. you didn’t ask for petrol money
  3. you did get something from the shop and she’s not wrong to ask.

These are not CF’s. Some are more assertive than you, but that isn’t anyone’s fault. The amounts of money mentioned are also small. I would let it go. Ask for petrol money next time

OnlyFannys · 29/03/2023 08:24

I think it is fair enough to ask the others to cover the cost of the person who dropped out if (presumably) the person who dropped out had asked and didnt pay. It's not fair for the organiser o be out of pocket (with 17 people that would be about £85?) So I certainly wouldnt begrudge that.
The £4 for shared drinks depends for me on whether everyone had said they wanted them.
Buying everyone rounds is really on you if nobody else was doing it, I would have maybe bought one and left it if everyone else was just buying for themselves.
They should have offered petrol money though, I'm surprised they didnt but at least the organiser tried to sort that but saying not to cover the drop out

SpookyBlackCat · 29/03/2023 08:25

SisterAgatha · 29/03/2023 08:02

I hate to say this, I really do. But my best friend can be like this and she often forgets what she’s been bought.

We had a holiday home we took friends to a lot. Never charged them obvs, they were our guests. One couple always bought dinner the first night and ice creams for the kids. That’s genuinely enough and v kind and we didn’t expect it but that’s how it always went.

best friend didn’t offer dinner. Fine. Then I bought the kids slushies. Fine. Then I gave her kid £20 at the arcade. Slightly pissed off. Then i bought buckets and spades at the shop. She didn’t offer. Then we bought dinner for that night and she made a big fuss about paying her way and gave me £5 towards the salad she chose.

I never said a word and just noted it that I’d not offer again.

in this case, just pay the money and note never to buy rounds again.

I think this is part of the issue. You chose to buy all those things for her kids. She didn’t ask you to get them. Then you seem resentful that she didn’t reciprocate.

I don’t think it’s being a CF to have boundaries about your spending.

Like my co-workers like to buy each other gifts, but it’s not something I like to do. I accept the gifts to be polite but I don’t reciprocate. I don’t think that’s being a CF. I’m not going to waste my money. If they chose to waste theirs, then that’s on them.

AngelinaFibres · 29/03/2023 08:26

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/03/2023 22:06

Large group gatherings like this will always have casualties.

This. Huge group things like this always go to shit. Buying rounds for that many people is always going to cost a fortune and very difficult to ensure you get as many bought as you buy for . There are always cheeky fuckers in the mix who will quietly let others drive,pay and sort things. It's my idea of hell for all the reasons you have stated and I just wouldn't go. If you go again then you have to weigh up whether the pros are better than the cons.

WigglyWaggly · 29/03/2023 08:29

How about posting on the group chat that you don't want to pay the £8 as you checked your online banking when you got home and realised you had spent XXXX at the pub buying rounds. Which seems like a lot - then I'd post some emoji and let it sit in the group chat.

The other messages sound awful. You would never get invited on anything again.

I do think you were really daft to buy so many rounds. Why were you doing that? Was there a reason you didn't say that you had got the last round and can someone else get the next one?

Im not tight but I always opt to buy my own drinks if I'm in a big group at the pub. I don't drink much alcohol and I don't want to pay for peoples drinks. Drinks can be so expensive.

rookiemere · 29/03/2023 08:30

But forewarned , next time OPs DH won't be rushing up to the bar to buy rounds.

Nottodayicant · 29/03/2023 08:46

Some people would live in your ear. I cannot bear meanness like this.

Rollerpiggy · 29/03/2023 08:47

This is why you should have a whip for drinks. £10 in each and then you buy drinks from
that until it’s gone, then top it up with another £10 each. Anyone not drinking alcohol buys their own, job done.

Original poster
hollypolly12 · 29/03/2023 09:02

Thanks everyone! Seems majority agree that's. It the done thing.
I agree we were too generous. But like I said, it was nice to be out and they are our friends so regarding petrol and parking and al the drinks we bought we didn't

OP posts:
missingthewinchesterboys · 29/03/2023 09:03

There is an app for this.

You add the people in the party to a group. Everyone has the app. Everything that is spent can be added and then the app will divide it up as appropriate.

We did it for a weekend away once. It actually worked out pretty evenly.

Original poster
hollypolly12 · 29/03/2023 09:04

Bat an eyelid because that's just not how we are.

I did ask for milk from the shop but it was less than £1 which I offered money for and I didn't drink any of the booze they brought back as I was ready for bed.

OP posts:
WigglyWaggly · 29/03/2023 09:08

I don't get the reluctance for people to pay for their own food and drinks when they are out. It's so easy to do. Drink are expensive so even just the occasionally drink here and there can add up to a lot. If I pay for everything I eat and drink I don't see how anyone can think I've been mean.

I'm glad that it's far more normal for people to pay for themselves these days.

I'm a generous friend with other things. I help friend and I'll buy things for friends when I want to - such as flowers for a pal who is I'll etc but I don't want to subsidise other peoples drinking.

LilylilyDaisy · 29/03/2023 09:09

It honestly never fails to surprise me how even very close friends can do this.

it's like they think never paying for things is somehow invisible to everyone else.

I think you need to say "No worries re: paying for the shop run! Whilst we're on the topic, drinks bill was X amount altogether so that's £X amount each payable to me, thanks!"

If they are happy to claim for a shop run you should definitely be happy to claim for what you spent too.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2023 09:11

I think this is part of the issue. You chose to buy all those things for her kids. She didn’t ask you to get them. Then you seem resentful that she didn’t reciprocate.

Maybe, but would you really have given your own kids money for the arcade, bought them an ice cream, got them bucket and spades - and all whilst their friend is looking on longingly, because their parent hasn't sent any money for them? It would be very awkward indeed, and hardly fair on the child.

For some people (who can afford it), it's an oversight; but some do deliberately plan it so that another adult will take their child along to something so that they will end up feeling they have to pay for them as well.

so regarding petrol and parking

This is one that always staggers me: when people not only don't offer you petrol money for a long joint journey but then also expect you to pay for the parking too. They're happy to grab a free ride, but when it comes to parking, it's very much your car again.

MarieRoseMarie · 29/03/2023 09:12

I absolutely hate people like the OP who are always trying to buy rounds and force everyone else to do so. It’s so annoying. Now we have to track when and what everyone else is drinking. It’s pressure to drink more because you have to keep up (even with soft drinks) and it’s a complete waste of money.

I feel like over the last few years most people I know (professionals in their 30s/40s) are just drinking less. People are also just generally eating and drinking at their own pace.

“Generous friend” but whining over £4. Just stop being overbearing and buy your own drinks.

Original poster
hollypolly12 · 29/03/2023 09:15

MarieRoseMarie · 29/03/2023 09:12

I absolutely hate people like the OP who are always trying to buy rounds and force everyone else to do so. It’s so annoying. Now we have to track when and what everyone else is drinking. It’s pressure to drink more because you have to keep up (even with soft drinks) and it’s a complete waste of money.

I feel like over the last few years most people I know (professionals in their 30s/40s) are just drinking less. People are also just generally eating and drinking at their own pace.

“Generous friend” but whining over £4. Just stop being overbearing and buy your own drinks.

I've already explained it wasn't a round's situation but more of if we went to the bar we would offer, if someone said no that was fine. But a lot of times people said yes. Which was also fine at the time.
I wasn't forcing anybody to do anything 😂

We bought our friends drinks and didn't think twice about it until we were chased for money the night after we got home

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2023 09:16

It honestly never fails to surprise me how even very close friends can do this.

That and the insistent bill-splitters, who will cheerfully have the lobster, multiple side orders and numerous cocktails - and then aggressively tell the person who had the pasta salad and a couple of Diet Cokes, who doesn't want/can't afford to massively subsidise them, that "You shouldn't have come to eat out if you couldn't afford it!"

Blueuggboots · 29/03/2023 09:17

I hate stuff like this! A group of friends went away for a few days and one of the group kept ordering expensive drinks and then insisting the bill was split equally - cheeky cow!
I always refuse to do rounds because I don't drink alcohol and I end up subsidising everyone else's drinking habits.

MelsMoneyTree · 29/03/2023 09:18

It seems like the dynamic of the group has changed from one where you wait for people to offer money - to one where you ask if you want reimbursed. You seem a bit put out they didn't offer petrol money. But also put out that others who did pay for stuff, just asked to be reimbursed. In future ask for petrol money before they even get in the car. Or chalk it and the drink money request, etc, up to another cost of the night and let it go.

AppleandSpice · 29/03/2023 09:21

Let this be a lesson to you for the future.

If you don’t think you should cover the cost of the missing guest speak up
If you’d like a contribution towards petrol and parking then say so before hand.
If you are in a large group then be clear before going to the bar whether everyone in participating in rounds ‘before’ buying a round.
If someone has bought alcohol to share and they didn’t specify that it was a shared cost at the time, then ignore the ‘bill’ afterwards.

Next time iron out all the creases beforehand, as you were buying drinks for 15 people and it wasn’t being reciprocated, it’s no wonder you were out of pocket

Noicant · 29/03/2023 09:22

I’d say “oh didn’t know we were doing it that way, can everyone send me a tenner for the rounds I bought, you can take that 8 quid off there, don’t worry about petrol it’s our treat”

rookiemere · 29/03/2023 09:23

Thinking about though,even if you had used something like splitwise , OP would still be paying over the odds because heavy drinkers were drinking late when they got back.

It's really hard to have parity in big groups like these, key lessons learned are to clarify at the start what's happening on most costs and don't extend any largesse on the expectation it will be reciprocated.

I'd find it hard to ask friends for petrol money, but easier to say "who wants to pay for the parking?" as it's more obviously a shared expense,

Snapdragonsoup · 29/03/2023 09:24

How much did you spend on drinks between how man6 friends (ie how much per person?). I would mention something about this in reply -eg didnt think among friends we were accounting for expenditure like this but if that’s how you want to do it then can I have £x from each of you for the drinks last night please? Great shame it has come to this as it changes the dynamic but if this is how everyone wants to do it from now on then how about next time we all pay for our own drinks and food individually? Any views from everyne else on this please? …. Here are my bank details for BACs transfer and to friend x who wants £4 please deduct that off the amount youneed to transfer to me. Many thanks, Hollypolly.

ijustneedanamefgs · 29/03/2023 09:25

It depends. Is the person asking someone who returned drinks or not? Someone you drove who didn’t offer fuel money? It could be they are in the same boat as you, and just trying to recoup some of the money because they are feeling hard done by.
If they are one of the cf then ignore it. Though you don’t want bad feelings hanging over the next outing. Maybe just put it down as a cost of learning and know better next time.