Is this really what 'friends' do?

[hollypolly12]

Dh and I had our first night out with some friends at weekend since having our 2 year old.

Group of 15 or so of us booked an air bnb in a city about 2hrs from us to celebrate a birthday of one of the friends.

Friday night we had a group message from one friend asking if we can chip in an extra £5pp for the air bnb as one friend had dropped out and not yet paid the air bnb. Fine, whatever. I was a bit put out initially as i didn't get why the friend that dropped out hadn't paid when it was booked months ago. This wasn't a surprise for this particular friend as they often drop out of things last minute.

We had a good night over all. Dh and I have a joint account for things like this so all our spending went on there. We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once. We in the end spent a small fortune but we didn't mind as it was good to see our friends and we hadn't been out with them for a while.

We drove the 2hrs and took 4 people with us. Friend that asked for air bnb money, in the car said not to pay as we drove. Fine, however still Not sure why it was up to us to cover cost of other friend. Other 3 didn't make a peep about chipping in for fuel or parking.
Again, we actually weren't bothered as that's what friends do?

Until we got a group message from another friend in the group last night asking if everyone could send them £4 each as they went to the shop on the way back to the air bnb and bought some drinks which they offered to share.
I did ask them to get milk so we could have coffee the next morning and they bought the smallest one which I offered money for and at the time they said no.
It's really not about the amount of money, it's the principle of it.

I know for certain that non of them are strapped for cash as we have open conversations about money etc. I know times are hard though but I would never in a million years message the group to ask everyone to pay us back for all the drinks we bought?

Aibu?

They don't sound like great friends? I would not pay the £4. I'd message them and say 'In that case, you owe me £xx for petrol and parking, plus £Y for the drinks we bought on Saturday night.'

I'd also have said at the time that the friend who dropped out should pay, not everyone else. That's mad.

But you obviously did think twice about it! Also if you are buying people drinks in dribs and drabs, how are they supposed to know that you’ve “spent a fortune”? I wouldn’t chase a friend for one drink.

It just sounds a lot like you got carried away throwing money about and regretted it in the cold light of day.

And how can everyone in the group owe you for privately buying one drink for another friend that they didn’t even know about, see or agree to?

This.

I'd have done the same as you, OP. I also have certain friends who are tight as a duck's arse and would ask for that £4 back even if I'd been buying drinks all night. It's just how some people are.

Also why not just ask for petrol and parking in advance? I would generally offer petrol and parking but why not just ask?

This whole thing seems really badly planned.

But buying rounds is exactly equivalent to bill splitting! One person buys a Diet Coke but is subsidising someone else’s cocktail.

Not normally - it's not usually the done thing to ask for a triple brandy or a fancy cocktail when everybody else is having a glass of wine or pint of beer.

I suppose the other factor is that the person offering the round will normally take people's orders to the bar - and can then 'downgrade' the quantity (or even say "they didn't have....so I got you...." if they wish to); whereas with food, each person orders it directly with the waiter/waitress, so there's no non-awkward way of reigning them in a bit.

I am definitely in your camp, which is that friends are generous with each other and it all evens out in the end. However, this only works if everyone feels the same.

I would say something like 'If everyone wants to tally up costs, then here's what we spent on drinks, and this was the cost of petrol and parking, everyone please share what they spent on everything'

At the end of the day, it's less than a tenner they've asked you to pay in total. I know you spent XX amount but that was your choice tbh. You could ask for petrol etc but didn't (and I wouldn't either). It's not worth getting worked up about.

Lesson for next time. State costs up front for parking and or petrol, ask up front if people are doing rounds or if couples are buying their own (and then make others take their turn when its their round) and use an app like Splitwise for group costs like food and airbnb.

I would say something like 'If everyone wants to tally up costs, then here's what we spent on drinks, and this was the cost of petrol and parking, everyone please share what they spent on everything'

I think this is a good suggestion. It's fair - asking everybody to make sure their joint spending is reimbursed - but also comes with a natural confidence, knowing that you've already more than settled your fair share, and so will now be a beneficiary rather than expected to put your hand back into your pocket!

It’s exactly the same. Everyone pays a portion of everyone’s drink/food instead of paying for their own.

It’s not the “done thing” to ask for champagne and caviar” and split the bill but people still do it.

But it’s okay because you and your friends lie and pretend they were out of expensive drinks to stop people buying them? That’s crazy.

Again, buying rounds for other people is annoying. It’s fake generosity and it imposes on people.

You could ask for petrol etc but didn't

But the person seeking £4 each didn't ask at the time either, and is only now bringing it up. A few days/week or so afterwards isn't unreasonable to ask for any levelling-up payments, if they're due.

Send them your petrol receipt

I can't believe the person who dropped out didn't pay for their accommodation, I'd have been annoyed with that aspect right from the start.

Ugh.

I would have put a laughing emoji on your friend's request for 4 euro.

But it’s okay because you and your friends lie and pretend they were out of expensive drinks to stop people buying them? That’s crazy.

I never said that we do that - just that some people could use it as an 'out' if they have greedy freeloading friends - which, thankfully, I don't.

I do agree with you, though: rounds can be a good thing in some situations, but should not be used as the default on all occasions.

They probably stemmed from small groups of blokes at the pub who were all regularly drinking the same pints at the same rate, so it made it simpler - as long as you have exactly the same number of rounds as drinkers, or otherwise fairly roll it over to the next time. You quite quickly learn who is happy to take part in fair rounds, to respect those who prefer to just get their own drinks, and to steer well clear of those who always accept a drink but then go home/to the toilet/don't offer just before it's their round. It probably also works better in Ireland, where, I hear, people will fight to pay, rather than to avoid paying!

This is why friends are overrated. Then again going out in a group of 15 people is my idea of actual hell so my opinion may be skewed 😂

If it was one if the people you gave a lift to I would simply reply “I paid for the petrol, so let’s call it evens?”

In your position I think just explain your view. It’s hard to come to an agreement about what is fair.

I have avoid all this money talk by mostly paying for the entire trip, food and experiences. If I want to do something massive then I don’t expect everyone to have the same vision as I do for the trip. Everyone has a great time, everyone is relaxed (they know they aren’t expected to pay before they go).

Everyone has something to offer though and I enjoy the company of those friends a lot. When you take away the cost, people’s own personal strengths come out. Some have been wonderful at cooking, some have taken more of a role with everyone’s children, cleaning up, bartender skills. Happy, comfortable, social people. I love spending time with everyone knowing they are having a great time.

It’s a privilege to have been able to do it all these years and I’m thankful for that.

No, I didn't he is still the most generous man I know. Why on earth should he buy all the drinks and no-one else buy anything?

Are you one of the people who never offer to buy drinks and just take advantage of generous people?

Exactly. Why on earth should you offer more than once until everyone else had also offered?

I’d reply saying they’re taking the piss , say what you spent on rounds of drinks and that only one person returned the favour

And next time just stick to your own drinks etc , the petrol I would just pay tbh

Depends who we are out with. Some friends we do rounds. Wouldn't with others. Also depends on the numbers.

My thoughts, if I go in on rounds, don't be annoyed by who has what/how many. If I would be annoyed, don't do rounds.

How does this work if people buy all sorts of stuff you wouldn't have wanted?

Oooh this is a good one