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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this really what 'friends' do?

191 replies

hollypolly12 · 28/03/2023 22:01

Dh and I had our first night out with some friends at weekend since having our 2 year old.

Group of 15 or so of us booked an air bnb in a city about 2hrs from us to celebrate a birthday of one of the friends.

Friday night we had a group message from one friend asking if we can chip in an extra £5pp for the air bnb as one friend had dropped out and not yet paid the air bnb. Fine, whatever. I was a bit put out initially as i didn't get why the friend that dropped out hadn't paid when it was booked months ago. This wasn't a surprise for this particular friend as they often drop out of things last minute.

We had a good night over all. Dh and I have a joint account for things like this so all our spending went on there. We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once. We in the end spent a small fortune but we didn't mind as it was good to see our friends and we hadn't been out with them for a while.

We drove the 2hrs and took 4 people with us. Friend that asked for air bnb money, in the car said not to pay as we drove. Fine, however still Not sure why it was up to us to cover cost of other friend. Other 3 didn't make a peep about chipping in for fuel or parking.
Again, we actually weren't bothered as that's what friends do?

Until we got a group message from another friend in the group last night asking if everyone could send them £4 each as they went to the shop on the way back to the air bnb and bought some drinks which they offered to share.
I did ask them to get milk so we could have coffee the next morning and they bought the smallest one which I offered money for and at the time they said no.
It's really not about the amount of money, it's the principle of it.

I know for certain that non of them are strapped for cash as we have open conversations about money etc. I know times are hard though but I would never in a million years message the group to ask everyone to pay us back for all the drinks we bought?

Aibu?

OP posts:
MaPaSpa · 29/03/2023 06:57

For future holidays a group slush fund is always good. Everyone chucks in the same amount and this is used for all outings, costs, drinks etc. anything left is returned equally.

Channellingsophistication · 29/03/2023 07:04

Yanbu - they have taken advantage, but a kitty is s good idea or we used app splitwise which was good. I wouldnt send the £4 just ignore it. After all you drove people and paid for drinks….

Roussette · 29/03/2023 07:04

OP I don't know why you wouldn't use an app like Splitwise?

You all put in what you spend as the weekend/trip goes along and it calculates who owes what at the end.
For instance, you should've been putting in petrol for the journey, and drinks.
Friend who buys groceries puts that in
Other friend logs in amount for food she has bought with her

It works it all out, who owes who what, press the button and pay or receive!

Hiddenvoice · 29/03/2023 07:06

I wouldn’t respond and wait for them to message you personally. If they ask for the money then say you thought you didn’t need to pay as you covered all petrol costs etc.

It’s annoying when these things happen but next time don’t offer lifts to anyone. If someone asks then say upfront about fuel costs. Buy your own drinks and maybe one round for the group but then that’s you covered. If going to a shop buy you’re own stuff- definitely works out a lot easier when you’re buying everything separately

AlexaFeedMyKids · 29/03/2023 07:19

Did you have any of the drinks other than the milk?

Doingmybest12 · 29/03/2023 07:19

I think some people are just in this mindset about accounting for every penny. It isn't always the people you'll think it'll be either. I have been out with a dear friend in a group and cringed at the penny pinching for no apparent reason. I wouldn't take it personally. Chalk it up to experience and make sure you only spend what you are happy to next time. People are weird about money!

EmmaDilemma5 · 29/03/2023 07:27

Did I read it right, that you got the accommodation for free because you drove?

If so, YABU. You were driving anyway. So really you've faired a lot better than others I'd imagine (guessing that accomodation for each costs more than a 4 hour round trip).

Look, it's £4, it's the equivalent of a large coffee someone or a panini. Seems to me that you are looking for issues. If these are real friends, and you want to keep them, then I'd pay.

If you DID still pay for your share of the accommodation, then YANBU.

Bikeybikeface · 29/03/2023 07:29

We always do a kitty, then open a tesco/asda home delivery shopping list.
I think YAB a bit U to moan that nobody offered you petrol, you should have asked just like they asked for drink money (which you moaned about). Also, why buy rounds? Just buy your drinks, just because that’s the way your other friends do it doesn’t mean everyone does. A round for that many people? No way could I afford to do that.

Also, of course you had to pay for the person who dropped out, you’d have had to pay that anyway, even if they’d never have agreed to go.

SequinsandStilettos · 29/03/2023 07:33

She didn't pay the extra £10 for a last-minute no-show, as she drove.
With this - if the person requesting cash was someone you gave a lift to, you simply text back that £8 covers their petrol contribution.
If not and it was someone not in your car, then you either ignore if it was literally just milk you had or pay it depending if you had drinks.

BeachBlondey · 29/03/2023 07:33

We bought lots of round of drinks for friends if we were going to the bar etc. I was only bought a drink once

This is your problem right here. Why on earth weren't you buying in rounds equally?

MeridianB · 29/03/2023 07:36

You sound like a great friend, which sadly means you'll attract CFs along the way.

Don't pay anyone for anything else to do with this trip.

These people have shown you who they are - sending requests for £4? But they clam up when they get a lift and freeze up when it's their turn to buy a round? They sound very juivenile.

I'd avoid going anywhere with them again as a group unless there are crystal clear rules on the money - a drink kitty, 'no refunds' for drop-outs and shared costs for lifts.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2023 07:38

Did you have any of the drinks other than the milk?

I wondered this too. When you say 'offered to share', does that mean that they made the decision themselves to buy it and/or nobody else wanted/had any of the booze - or was it agreed that they would go and get a selection of alcohol for everybody?

I don't get the comment from PP about not charging friends for fuel when you're going there anyway; it's different if you invite somebody to hop in for a five-minute trip, but for a planned long journey like this, why should one person/couple be expected to bear the whole joint cost whilst another pays nothing? You might as well say that you should never have to pay a fare to use the bus, as the driver was 'going there anyway'!

This reminds me a bit of the old CF thread where somebody hosted a 'friend' for a couple of weeks and paid for all manner of things for them, including all their food - then, as they were leaving, CF mentioned that they had bought some pizza for an extra snack, but hadn't had time to eat it; so as it was still in the householder's freezer, they owed them a few quid for it!

MsRosley · 29/03/2023 07:49

KeepingKeepingOn · 28/03/2023 22:14

I think you could legitimately send a text back to say ‘come on, we don’t really want to do it this way, do we? I mean, I can work out exactly what everyone owes for the rounds of drink we bought, but I’d rather not start trying to account for everything as it changes the dynamics. If people disagree, can I suggest next time we all just pay for ourselves and then we don’t have to keep track?’ Or some such - if you don’t address it, it will set a precedent and it might not be one that the majority actually feel comfortable with.

Yes, you'd be doing everyone a favour by sending this.

Sierra26 · 29/03/2023 07:56

next time use Tricount - we use it for trips. Everyone puts their expenses in including rounds and you balance it up at the end.

im response to the text -

“here’s the £8 for us. On that note, we got several rounds in and spent around £xxx on petrol etc. We don’t have the exact amount to split so we’ll just call it even this time, but let’s next time try this app Tricount?”

Then set that boundary at the start of the trip

Sceptre86 · 29/03/2023 07:56

I'd pay it but I'd also message back that if everyone wants compensating for money they spent then you would like compensating for the driving too. That you don't expect this kind of behaviour from close friends and feel like you are being taken for mug and it's put a dampener on what was a nice time away.

This could affect the friendship longterm though but I'm not the type to seethe silently and would prefer to just get it out in the open. Yanbu but it's up to you how you want to deal with things going forward.

redskylight · 29/03/2023 07:57

I think there's three ways to manage these types of holiday - either everyone genuinely doesn't care; you agree very clearly beforehand who pays for what; or you have a communal kitty and everyone contributes the same amount.

I'd say it's almost impossible in a big group for everyone to end up happy. You were quite happy to pay for what you paid for until you discovered someone else thought a cost was a communal one. The other people in the group probably all have different views. And none of you are actually right or wrong. And you can't just say "this is what friends do" as friends have differing circumstances, which you won't know all the ins and out of. Some people have been burnt badly in the past and are asserting boundaries. Some people have large budgets and think everyone can just pay whatever.

SisterAgatha · 29/03/2023 08:02

I hate to say this, I really do. But my best friend can be like this and she often forgets what she’s been bought.

We had a holiday home we took friends to a lot. Never charged them obvs, they were our guests. One couple always bought dinner the first night and ice creams for the kids. That’s genuinely enough and v kind and we didn’t expect it but that’s how it always went.

best friend didn’t offer dinner. Fine. Then I bought the kids slushies. Fine. Then I gave her kid £20 at the arcade. Slightly pissed off. Then i bought buckets and spades at the shop. She didn’t offer. Then we bought dinner for that night and she made a big fuss about paying her way and gave me £5 towards the salad she chose.

I never said a word and just noted it that I’d not offer again.

in this case, just pay the money and note never to buy rounds again.

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 29/03/2023 08:03

Throwncrumbs · 28/03/2023 22:50

Did anyone bring a pasta bake?

Lols

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2023 08:05

I think one problem in scenarios like this is the vastly differing mindsets between CFs and normal decent people. The latter will more than pay their way, without thinking twice about it; but then the CFs - rather than being happy with the good deal they've been getting - will mark you out as a soft touch who can thus be expected to pay for every expense that they can possibly find.

It's a bit like an adult version of the stereotypical horrendously spoilt child: the fact that the parent has never said No before is not a cause for being extremely grateful; it's seen as 'binding' them to keep it going in perpetuity.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 29/03/2023 08:07

Yeah I hate things like that if you do rounds and you end up buying more but your not fussed because it’s part of the night and they are friends etc but then some tight arse probably the one that’s avoided a round all night asks for £4 . I’d probably pay to shut them up but make a note next time not to do rounds say we will buy are own and bring own drinks etc .

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 08:13

Isthisexpected · 28/03/2023 22:27

I wouldn't even respond. If chased I would reply I assumed that wasn't meant to include us as we bought X rounds of drinks.

This

And maybe just say no next time as all the money got silly

rookiemere · 29/03/2023 08:15

I think by not replying some members of the group might think you're the tight one. I'd be inclined to reply directly to the person who asked rather than the group and say " Assuming this isn't for us . We spent £xx on group drinks on Friday." mention the driving if they were in your car.

Whaleandsnail6 · 29/03/2023 08:15

I agree with you that the friend who dropped out should have paid for their share at the air b and b. But I suppose, for whatever reason they didnt, it was fair to split that between you all.

With regards to rounds, to me it depends. I personally dont like rounds and choose not to be part of them. I only drink halfs of lager so I'd rather buy at my own pace than feel pressured into buying rounds of expensive wines and spirits. I have in the past found myself declining when someone has offered to buy me a drink in a round, and they have done anyway

I do think a message on the group chat suggesting that if you all go away again together you have a kitty for food and drinks at accommodation and maybe avoid rounds if its not being bought back.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/03/2023 08:16

Throwncrumbs · 28/03/2023 22:50

Did anyone bring a pasta bake?

I hope it was a really watery one with undercooked broccoli and no cheese.

That seems to be everybody's favourite.

Rainbowshine · 29/03/2023 08:16

I’d be tempted to reply “we’ll discount the £8 off the money for fuel and your share of the drinks rounds we got for you then” but that’s a bit of a nuclear option.

In reality I would probably say “I don’t think it was clear at all about how the costs of things would be split. We contributed by driving and bought a few rounds of drinks so I call it quits on who owes what given that we have not asked for money towards those items. Let’s make sure we agree ahead next time about how we’re splitting the money”

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