Lack of independence in some adults

[Violaviolin]

I am always amazed that some adults seem completely incapable of independence. The last week or so has shown up so many things.

1. A friend saying her husband puts petrol in the car for her as she 'wouldn't know what to do.' She's been driving for over 10 years.

1. A different friend saying there's 'no way she could fly by herself.' She's 36.

1. Friends/family constantly having to check what partners are doing before agreeing to meet (not a childcare situation).

1. Colleagues saying they can't drive to x and asking for a lift (miles out of my way) despite the fact they can drive and have a car. I'm nervous driving in cities but you just have to get on with it don't you.

1. People who say they couldn't live by themselves.

AIBU that too many people lack independence?

I used to think like you and then I got severe anxiety at menopause. I'm medicated for it but there are still some things I just cannot do.

I used to be like that until my divorce.. now I am way more independent and loving it!

YANBU and, sadly, more often than not it's women who behave like this. Which gives the rest of us a bad name. What do these people think will happen if/when their partner or parents are no longer around? We all have to learn to do things alone & for ourselves, it's just basic stuff.

I think it's easy to fall into a trap of this if you always have someone to do these things for you. And then doing them alone can seem overwhelming.
My DM has been through this since DF died. He used to rake over all travel and most finances. It's taken her a couple of years and she's still nervous, but is now able to tackle these things alone.

I don't agree with point 3 though. That's just basic decency to check with your partner before you make plans.

We all have our different anxieties.
I wouldn't like flying alone but loved living alone when I had the opportunity.

I should add. I live alone and have travelled etc on my own. I struggle with driving some places (especially strange cities) and have panic attacks but I'd just get a cab

I love nothing more than doing things myself and being independent. To be so dependent on others would be the death of me.
I know a woman who completely relies on her husband to put the rubbish sacks from their house outside which literally takes 1-2 minutes and no heavy lifting is involved whatsoever. She never does it herself, saying it’s a man’s job 🙄

Why can’t you all just accept that we’re all different? Humans can be quite complex with a mixture of strengths and weaknesses, we all have different skill sets. You come across as being superior to others because you can do all the things you’ve listed. Maybe you should focus on what improvements you can make on yourself rather than judging others.

I am independent generally but have a thing about driving on motorways. I wish i didnt.

I really struggle as a passenger too. I have to wear ear defenders and close my eyes. I do see that i depend on my husband to do motorway driving. But by the same token i will get buses trains, taxis or find alternative routes if needed.
It does limit my life but the impact is on me, not you so i am sure its more irritating for me in the end.

I agree although I also realised last week that I’d never put windscreen washer in my car because my husband does it and had to remind myself how to pop the bonnet. I was quite surprised to realise this as I’m quite independent.
The driving thing is a tricky one though as it’s quite easy to end up only driving the places you know and then it becomes quite hard to drive new places. I’m used to driving new places through my work but I don’t judge people who don’t feel confident to do it.

I agree with you on all but number 3, which I think is generally a respect/courtesy thing. I'd say "yes that's probably fine, I'll just check with X that there's nothing going on I don't know about or something and let you know".

Not knowing how to put petrol in a car is learned incompetence. The concept is not exclusive to men, and it's not cute.

I think the problem is that it isn’t “some adults” or that we’re “all different”: it’s that it’s almost invariably women who display this sort of helplessness and childlike dependency. How many men have you ever heard saying they wouldn’t know how to put petrol in the family car, or are nervous of driving on busy roads, or couldn’t travel on their own?

I don’t know whether it’s learned behaviour, because some women think that it’s feminine to be naive or that men find helplessness attractive, but it’s behaviour which really limits many women’s lives, not just a cute quirk.

And yes, some men do it with “not knowing” how to work the washing machine / sort out the children. But that faux helplessness is to their benefit, because somebody else (a woman) ends up doing the shit work. Whereas for women, it often puts them in a more vulnerable position, not a stronger one.

I don't think it's necessarily a man/woman thing, just that it's done differently because of societal expectations.

My parents are a perfect example. Both are intelligent, competent adults who hold down jobs.
My mum would tell you she can't put air in her tyres, drive new places or do anything in the garden.
My dad would tell you he doesn't know how to do laundry or cook a roast.

It's annoying either way but it happens. I don't drive long distances because my sense of direction is rubbish and it makes me stressed, plus I hate driving. DH enjoys it so he does it. It works for us and I know I can do it if I need to (have done so before).

You sound very judgmental OP.

Exactly this ^.

I'm so scared of flying that I haven't done it for over 25 years but I live in a very isolated situation that most people find very scary and I am alone there 75% of the time.

I don't drive in strange cities but I can gallop at 30 miles an hour on the back of a horse and jump an obstacle.

I wouldn't choose to travel on the London underground but I can wrangle a 700 kilo bull in to the back of a trailer by myself if it was necessary although for safety's sake you would probably do that with help.

DH can't cook pasta, he just seems to have a blind spot for it. And this is someone who will make a curry from scratch (including base gravy) so it's not that he can't cook, he just finds pasta weirdly difficult for some reason.

(And there is no way I could fly by myself, but then I wouldn't want to fly with anyone either. Terrified of it, proper phobia.)

I dont think its cute or feminie to find motorways stressful! I find it fucking annoying.

I dont think anyone has ever associated the words cute or feminine with me, ever.

I have a friend like this too and it baffles me. Her husband has to do everything for her, book train tickets, pay bills, organise taxi's, maintain her car (oil check, washer fluids, petrol) etc. She doesn't have or know how to navigate online banking, she has never paid a bill, hasn't worked since she was a teenager and she only recently started using a bank card rather than just cash.

I find it hard to understand her choices but she is a lot of fun to hang out with and she is the kindest person I know. I try to nudge her into becoming more independent, especially since her husband is a lot older and won't be around forever, but she doesn't really see the problem.

I never really do anything with the car other than fill it with fuel as I get the annual service and MOT and DH tops up screen wash. And there's no way I could change a wheel on my own- I know how in principle but it isn't always even possible anyway. Last time DH had to use brute force to get the wheel nuts off, even though I am fit and healthy, and strong, I do yoga and lift weights, I would not have been able to shift them on my own. And one time we had a hire car, neither of use could budge the wheel nuts. Recovery came out and needed power tools to remove them.

As I am responsible for an awful lot of other fucking tedious things in life I'm glad I don't have to bother with this stuff.

It's not lack of independence, it's delegation.

Also, thinking about your examples. DH would hate to live alone - he wouldn't be nervous but he needs company for his own well-being whereas I'd have no issues living alone.

And although we have no dc, we tend to check in with each other before making plans incase we already have plans and one of us has forgotten. That's just good manners I think.

I think if you can't do some things (due to anxiety etc) then you should seek what treatment you can for it.
I saw another thread where it said you shouldn't sit in another persons booked seat on a train because they might be too anxious to ask you politely to move. I mean...if you can't talk briefly to another adult then you should work on that as it will be impeding your life a lot.

Mmmm. I think there are cultural reasons for this. Men are mostly happy to jump in a car and run an errand rather than clean a lavatory.

I do sometimes find motorways stressful but that is not because I am trying to be cute, I wish I could be cooler about it. I especially get nervous when there are a lot of HGVs and buses as it feels intimidating when in a small car. I still do the driving, but it's not enjoyable and I'd rather not.

I largely agree but I think you have to be careful judging someone if you don't know the full picture. I have a very intelligent thoughtful friend who, when I first met, mentioned they have trouble driving due to anxiety. I admit I slightly dismissed it - however they later explained the reasons and it was due to several specific incidents and other issues they have going on.

We all have our different anxieties.

This is so true. And often there are understandable reasons for them.