Lack of independence in some adults

[Violaviolin]

I am always amazed that some adults seem completely incapable of independence. The last week or so has shown up so many things.

1. A friend saying her husband puts petrol in the car for her as she 'wouldn't know what to do.' She's been driving for over 10 years.

1. A different friend saying there's 'no way she could fly by herself.' She's 36.

1. Friends/family constantly having to check what partners are doing before agreeing to meet (not a childcare situation).

1. Colleagues saying they can't drive to x and asking for a lift (miles out of my way) despite the fact they can drive and have a car. I'm nervous driving in cities but you just have to get on with it don't you.

1. People who say they couldn't live by themselves.

AIBU that too many people lack independence?

Heavy physical stuff like changing the tires is very different from travelling alone, booking tickets online or changing a lightbulb.

I struggle a bit but I have an anxiety disorder. I have lived by myself and got on a plane myself, I think sometimes when a person has an alternative rather than having to do something they find difficult they will take it.

Some of this is learned female incompetence- the giveaway is always, I couldn't do that.

What they mean is "I wouldn't do that".

Just don't jump in and do it for them unless you are prepared to do it over and over again.

This was meant for Catspyjamas17

It's normal to me. We all have different strengths, weaknesses and personalities. I dont drive due to anxiety but I work full time and travel loads on my own.

Good for you that you are able to do all of those things, but it's easy to judge when you're not dealing with anxiety, autism, introversion for example. The tasks you have mentioned vcan be huge challenges for some people. My husband puts petrol in my car, not because I don't know know how to do it but I get anxious in public places and feel pressured when I'm being watched. Sounds daft doesn't it but just be grateful you don't face these challenges yourself.

I'm with you op.

I live alone and find the incapability of many people to just find a way to do things for themselves exhausting.

I do everything you mention, except flying. I've had not reason or desire to fly since I was a child, pre 9/11. I have no plans to in the future. But if for some reason I had to I would find a way. Surely I can Google 'how to get through airport check in'?

We're all different and ain't none of us good at everything. Part of a relationship is covering each other so that as a team you're stronger than two identical individuals.

But it can put you at risk if you're no longer in that relationship. So it pays to know how to do stuff. I often think it's terrifying how many people who's OH does all the finances / life admin. Fine if they like doing the actual admin, but to not have an overview / basic understanding is just a derelict mindset.

My two SIL’s are like that. Just completely helpless. We call them the daughters of the late colonel.

One still lives at home with her parents and can’t even work a washing machine or make toast for herself (she works but her mum will still get clothes out for her). The other is a little bit more independent and lives on her own but even then she can’t function without simple tasks being handled by someone else (such as the petrol thing or even buying a fridge which she can only do if a man gives her an opinion on it).

Neither are mentally or physically disabled. They just like to play this wee “I’m a woman so I must be helpless” role. They thing they’re being cute. Personally I think it’s creepy and lazy.

There are very few things I wouldn’t attempt at least once but that’s my mindset. Others are different. Doesn’t bother me at all.

One thing that shocked me some years ago, was an OU student saying how terrified she’d been at the thought of a week long residential school - in over 20 years of marriage she had never spent a single night away from her husband.

I think you are judgemental. People can be dependent on lots of things as well as other people. Some people are dependent on drugs, including cigarettes and alcohol. Some people can’t stop themselves from eating too much. I have my own car but I don’t like driving far. The only person I would expect to drive me is my husband, otherwise I would go by public transport or get a taxi

I think there's a difference between gendered incompetence - eg the women who can't put petrol in or the men who can't cook - and general incompetence. The first IS irritating as hell, yes, but its part of a complicated societal expectation of gendered expectations etc (And I know a lot of women who absolutely could/can do tires/petrol etc but are quite happy to say they can't because frankly it's one of the few tasks their DHs will take on).

For me, the kind of general incompetence that I see and find annoying (and agree with OP) on is things like:

oh, I can't sign up my child to that camp/sporting event/ after school activity online, can someone else do it for me?
Or
People who can't seem to read emails from school or other activities so ask questions that have been answered a dozen times (because they can't read them, or they have lost the email or whatever. And everyone does this now and again, but we all know those people who never ever manage it).
or
People you travel with who can't make a single plan/figure out a public transport system etc

Those sort of incompetent people are the ones that drive me mad. They don't seem to care that someone else must do it for them or that these are really basic simple skills that are completely normal in this day and age.

I sympathise with people who suffer with genuine anxiety ( I say genuine, as its become a rather overused word ) but some people ( women, in my experience ) just become lazy eg husband always fills the car with petrol. Having said that, it's their business. I've been divorced 20 odd years so I'm as independent as a person can be.

I'm fiercely independent but admit to becoming a passive 50s housewife on bin day because it's cold outside and rubbish is icky 😁

Your analogy doesn’t make sense. How did you end up talking about eating too much, alcohol, drugs and cigarettes?
You can’t/won’t drive. That’s fine, lots of people never learn and get anxious about it. But otherwise, as you said, you would take public transport or a taxi. So you are mostly independent.

I used to be a bit like this with driving. Then I got a new job where I had to drive to unfamiliar places and I had to suck it up and get on with it. Now I’ll drive most places. With me it was down to mental health problems.

I just reread my list and I realise that the type of incompetence that annoys me is when people have to figure things out and they just don't want to. That's the common thread. So they resist doing anything new (and I'm not talking about skydiving or learning a new language, just simple things) because then they have to figure out a new process. And it irritates the hell out of me.

I work with a 20 year old who is like this. And due to the nature of the job and how young she is. I finding I'm training her more on how not to have this mindset than the actual tasks in the job.

She's perfectly able and intelligent just lacks that confidence and resilience almost

I don't struggle with any of these things

Flying alone on a plane, is the same as getting on a bus to me

Cutting the grass to me is like doing the hoovering, but outside

Basic car maintenance is part of owning a car & it is not difficult. I have RAC break down recovery for the odd situations & there have been some over the years !
I find people who cannot add fuel into a car ridiculous, but in future this could be solved by electronic plug & go cars
Just need to practice during a quiet time of day.

What do people do if they have nobody to help them, because situations change when people move away, split up or pass away ?

I live alone, eat out, go to the theatre, have travelled all over the world alone.
I live in London and so don't drive often. Had to do an hours motorway drive recently and had huge anxiety beforehand. I did feel pretty exhilarated after. And when I had to repeat it for the next week it was all fine.

But I can't pick up a phone and make a doctors or dental appointment.

And these other people's anxieties affect you how?
It does seem a bit judgemental.

I have lived on my own before dh hasn't but is stuff one of doesn't really do but I can't think of anything we actually couldn't do if we had too

I can't see into the future (caring needs) but under normal circumstances I could never imagine being dependent on another.

I do notice more examples of women playing the 'oh I need a man to do that' and I know it works the other way, but it is up to individuals to learn it if they chose too

I don't drive as I've learnt before and am just rubbish at it but I'm very independent otherwise- finances all down to me, have flown alone a lot of times, happy to go to a restaurant on my own . My H is away in chunks and if I wasn't independent would have a bit of a dull life .

I do think the older you get, the more anxious you become unfortunately.

I also think there are jobs that you outsource to your DH/DP because you prefer not to do them but it doesn't mean that you can't do them if you had to.

But I do know 3 or 4 middle aged women who won't drive on motorways or at night or indeed do any journey that doesn't involve driving to the local shops and I do think "get a grip" to myself.