Lack of independence in some adults

[Violaviolin]

I am always amazed that some adults seem completely incapable of independence. The last week or so has shown up so many things.

1. A friend saying her husband puts petrol in the car for her as she 'wouldn't know what to do.' She's been driving for over 10 years.

1. A different friend saying there's 'no way she could fly by herself.' She's 36.

1. Friends/family constantly having to check what partners are doing before agreeing to meet (not a childcare situation).

1. Colleagues saying they can't drive to x and asking for a lift (miles out of my way) despite the fact they can drive and have a car. I'm nervous driving in cities but you just have to get on with it don't you.

1. People who say they couldn't live by themselves.

AIBU that too many people lack independence?

How is it not the same thing? Women not being able to put in petrol or drive places, or deal with bills, its to get him to do it for them. If these are things that make them more vulnerable, that's there fault for causing the issue, in the same way that men who get an easier life by letting wifey do the kids stuff are at risk of losing a relationship with the children later on.

I've not been scathing.

My mum and sil are like this. I think in some instances it’s a manipulation and she’s getting you to do something she doesn’t want to do. Other times she doesn’t seem to grasp that people might initially feel nervous doing the things she flatly refuses to do and that confidence is built up through repetition of it, it’s not something that people are magically born with.

And fwiw I don't like driving at night because I have astigmatism and as my eyesight has worsened the halo effect and blinding lights of on coming traffic has got worse.

Again, that's a common age related thing. It's nothing to do with not wanting to drive at night, it's because I no longer feel I'm as competent, due to my vision.

I have (very expensive) new glasses ordered at the optician so I'm hoping they make a significant difference.

Your have been scathing and very confrontational and you completely ignored sensible posts.

I have a colleague who has "blue jobs and pink jobs". I was so taken aback by that when she told me that I was genuinely speechless. The funny thing is she seemed really proud of it and like it was funny 😲

The other one that gets me is when you see the threads on here where there's a spider or mouse in someone's house. The endless comments about burning the house down, moving to the next county etc just baffle me. These are grown ass women who want to be taken seriously in life and treated equally to men 🙄

I agree with the parts where many women need to check with husband first. As a single parent for over 10 years I’ve never understood how they can’t plan a single thing at a weekend without partner.

I have also found that those women tend to bring husband up in literally any conversation whilst men rarely mention their wives.
I do think it’s a power imbalance for sure.

my friends got divorced after 19 years and suddenly realised how much fuel cost because husband had made that his job tk fill her car up every week. That really shocked me.

I haven't been scathing at all. I haven't replied to all comments as there are too many.

I mean, the bins are my husband's job in our house. I never do it because I just don't like it. That doesn't mean I'm dependant on him to do it. If he decides to leave me tonight, I'm sure I will be quite capable of putting the bins out this week...

I agree mostly, especially with friends of mine who let their own "anxieties" get to their kids and then their kids lose their independence and miss out on opportunities. My goddaughter had an opportunity to go abroad on a volunteering trip when she was 16 but her mother was horrified and went on and on and on about how she herself couldn't do something like that, what if she didn't like the food, what if the bed wasn't comfy etc - very trivial things, so her daughter missed out on the trip which was a shame. I see it too with driving, where because the mother won't drive on motorways etc, they then don't let their own daughters drive on motorways or make it into a big thing.

That said I do always check what my partner's doing before I make plans but it's more as a courtesy and he does the same with me

And if I NEEDED to go to the bar and order by myself I would. But I would still feel excruciatingly uncomfortable doing it. And because I don't go to bars without my dp, I don't need to. But thanks for letting me know that I'm being judged for not doing it, I'll add that to my list of things that I know I'm being judged for.

My point was, nobody is good at everything and we all have our idiosyncrasies. But everyone is good or confident at something.

I actually do disagree with you.

One of the liberating things about becoming an adult, having people in my life that I chose to be there and having enough money to be able to delegate the tasks I find hard or don’t want to do is that I can pick and choose what I do in my life, within reason. Is the friend who doesn’t put petrol in her own car hurting anyone? Maybe your friend who doesn’t fly alone has considered flying alone and decided … shock horror… what she doesn’t want to?

I’ve flown alone lots in the past but not in the past 10 years or so and now I don’t fly for work and have a family and go on holiday abroad max once a year, I can quite plausibly see that I’ll never fly alone again. That’s fine. Why is that an issue?

Between DH and I we have delegated tasks, things he does and things I do. It makes us both happier.

This reminds me a bit of the stupid “snack” thread - as an adult I rarely eat 3 square meals a day. I just graze all day long. Is that … a problem to anyone? Why can’t we just live our adult lives as we want?

I don't even do my own cleaning. I have a cleaner. I'm disabled. So I suppose I lose at that too according to some on this thread.

I really wonder why posters on here are so judgemental of others.

I don't ask anyone to do anything for me for free - my cleaner is paid well, I get a taxi or public transport if I don't want to drive (usually a combination of both - taxi to the train station and then the train or a bus).

What does it matter to you if I don't drive?

People who don't know anything about finances through choice are going to be up shit's creek if the partner leaves or dies. It's about taking care of yourself as an adult.

Some things are anxiety - lots of people don't like flying/driving.

I've been told numerous times that I'm 'brave' because I take my young dcs on trains/buses and around London all on my own. Not sure how that's brave - if I didn't use public transport we'd never go anywhere without DP due to my fear of driving 😜 (I have dyspraxia and find driving so bloody difficult and genuinely think I'm a danger to others)

@Oopswediditagain2023 - that transmission of mother anxiety to a child is a real issue. It affects children badly and it's not funny to have mothers still controlling their children by introducing anxieties to them. It's not parenting kids but putting blockers and obstacles in their way.

Yanbu. I have friends like this and it drives me mad. But interestingly my husband also has learned incompetence. If I died everything admin wise would fall apart

I see a lot of women stop driving and going places alone and I think it's so sad. To limit yourself like that. When I got my new car there was no spare wheel, just the puncture repair kit but I didn't know how to use it, after a bit google I decided to order myself a spare wheel and jack etc so that I could change a wheel if far from home rather then use the repair stuff. Friends were shocked and suggested they'd all just ring their husbands or the AA. Made no sense to me

Yes what’s wrong exactly with not wanting to put the bins out and giving that task to someone who is willing to do it? I say this as someone who puts the bins out at least 50% of the time. But if I decide tomorrow that I don’t want to do it I don’t see who that impacts other than DH?

I clean my own windows rather than employ a window cleaner. I don’t know exactly why I do this but I quite enjoy the task and I don’t like dirty windows so like doing it often rather than waiting. Should I look down on people that have never cleaned a window? Conversely, I don’t have any interest in ever learning how to mow the lawn. If DH left me or died I would probably pay someone to come round and do it from time to time. Imagine the outrage!!!

I mean, the bins are my husband's job in our house. I never do it because I just don't like it. That doesn't mean I'm dependanton him to do it. If he decides to leave me tonight, I'm sure I will be quite capable of putting the bins out this week...

Yes quite. Perhaps men get the bin job as they do bugger all else.

@thefamous5
I don't particularly like going out without him
Why is this?

Yes, quite.

I mean checking in with your partner about diary dates is just courteous imo.

But agree that the other things are odd.

I dunno, I live alone with my dc, have flown alone with and without them, drive on motorways when I need to, but I panic in medical appointments and need someone with me to take notes / remind me to ask questions. On the other hand, my mum is great with doctors, confident to speak up about (for example) bad service, but never learned to drive. We’re all different 🤷‍♀️

Well it's not a nice job. So let him crack on 🤷🏻‍♀️

I thought you were actually going to give actual examples of lack of independence.
I can do all the things you included in your OP. Go me?

None of those reflects whether someone i’d i dependent or not. Just your bar.