Lack of independence in some adults

[Violaviolin]

I am always amazed that some adults seem completely incapable of independence. The last week or so has shown up so many things.

1. A friend saying her husband puts petrol in the car for her as she 'wouldn't know what to do.' She's been driving for over 10 years.

1. A different friend saying there's 'no way she could fly by herself.' She's 36.

1. Friends/family constantly having to check what partners are doing before agreeing to meet (not a childcare situation).

1. Colleagues saying they can't drive to x and asking for a lift (miles out of my way) despite the fact they can drive and have a car. I'm nervous driving in cities but you just have to get on with it don't you.

1. People who say they couldn't live by themselves.

AIBU that too many people lack independence?

I think it’s fair enough ppl do what they want but when your fear starts limiting your life it’s be worth just trying to get on with it.
I worked around the UK in my twenties and after 5:30pm would be utterly bored. I did feel vulnerable on my own as a woman but I’d often go out for a meal then to the cinema. I felt a bit silly at first but now would think nothing of it!
if I felt like I was limiting myself from things I might enjoy so trips abroad etc I’d try and find ways to face it/work around it. Life’s too short to be scared.

All the things the OP has listed are basic life skills. The vast majority of people should be able to do them.

It IS surprising when people can’t. The OP is just saying it’s surprising, not that they are muppets, or that there might be good reason in some cases.

It does seem (sadly) to be mostly women who get stuck in this way - male flailing seems to be more domestic which doesn’t shrink your life in the same way. But I think women allowing their horizons to be shrunk like this are fewer than they used to be, so that is something.

I don’t think changing tyres or putting on snow chains require male strength, or great strength of any kind? I can do it and I am an unfit 5 foot 3 middle aged woman. Can’t speak for doors.

Loads of these examples are things I have never done. But i don't consider myself incompetent because I absolutely could and would teach myself to do them if I had to. If I had a flat tyre, I would call the AA or get my phone out and do a tutorial (and I guess if I lived or travelled in remote places regularly perhaps I would be more proactive on learning).

My frustration is people who simply refuse to try. The ones who, on being asked to do something new, simply refuse and say they can't. Especially in 2023 when getting information is so bloody easy.

@Luredbyapomegranate
Agreed
I don’t think changing tyres or putting on snow chains require male strength, or great strength of any kind?
Another thread had pp saying she couldn't put up a curtain rail
as she was only a 9st woman and didn't have the strength 🙄🙄

Changing a tyre requires loosening and tightening the bolts that hold it on. I definitely don’t have the strength. The AA man struggled with mine.

Someone mentioned about drains (sorry, I know I’m harping on about stuff like diy!). I’ve unblocked drains with my brother and with dh because of the house we lived in. If you live in a normal functioning house and don’t have a load of people blocking it, I’d take it off the list because (hopefully!) you’ll never have to unblock a drain and take out the pipe. I honestly think drainage/water/electricity are better left to getting a professional in. All the people talking about driving is getting to me a little actually, some people don’t need to go many places in the car, why are they suddenly going to feel at ease on motorways and in big cities? (I love driving both as it means I’m going home and because I spend 2 hours a day driving due to work, school run and dh drop off, but I feel for my friends who don’t drive a lot and talk in advance of a trip somewhere that might have dodgy back roads, a particularly busy motorway, strange junctions or busy city driving).

She's mid-40s.

stayathomer · Yesterday 22:15

No - and the RADA audition stuff was before the injections, not after - and apparently standard for any such event with many girls.

My point was that - due to cultural conditioning - some girls adopt a helpless persona because they perceive it to be more attractive to boys and more experienced staff than me felt that this was the case here.

I'm amazed, I thought you were going to say 70s! Same age as me and has only just started using a bank card? Goodness.

@Luredbyapomegranate I don't have good grip in my hands or the ability to move the wheel nuts.

I know women as described, who's husbands did everything for them and then died. For the majority they got a new lease of life. They all did different things, adult courses, part time working, voluntary work etc. A couple just went to 'knit and natter' in local libraries, as long as it suits them, they don't have to be here, there and everywhere. Some do rely on family and friends for some things, but it's up to them how they live. I know posters on here like to think of anyone who is different to them absolutely failing and are probably disappointed if they don't, but that often isn't the case. As said there's enough bad driving, if someone doesn't feel confident and there's an alternative, I don't see the issue with them taking it.

Well said Ponika7 each to their own. There isn’t one prescribed way of living. People find fulfilment and happiness in different things.

I have weird things I can't do due to the stress they cause not being worth it. I have tried to conquer them on the hoof when caught unawares but the mess I got myself into just proved me right for being scared.

There are others things I can do easily that others can't.

I keep meaning to address the stuff I'm crap at, but I just don't have the bandwidth at the moment.

YABU. We are all different and you shouldn't compare what you'll never understand