Lack of independence in some adults

[Violaviolin]

I am always amazed that some adults seem completely incapable of independence. The last week or so has shown up so many things.

1. A friend saying her husband puts petrol in the car for her as she 'wouldn't know what to do.' She's been driving for over 10 years.

1. A different friend saying there's 'no way she could fly by herself.' She's 36.

1. Friends/family constantly having to check what partners are doing before agreeing to meet (not a childcare situation).

1. Colleagues saying they can't drive to x and asking for a lift (miles out of my way) despite the fact they can drive and have a car. I'm nervous driving in cities but you just have to get on with it don't you.

1. People who say they couldn't live by themselves.

AIBU that too many people lack independence?

I've always had a "I'll give it a go, what's the worst than can happen mindset?"

I'll try most things, if I don't know how to do something, I'll.ask someone, google it YouTube video etc.

I think you just have to get on with it. I can't imagine not beng independent. Each to their own but I would find it hugely limiting & I would miss the freedom.

On a downside, it's often proven a challenge when dating. I think a lot of men prefer to feel needed more than wanted!

Trying to sort out mobile banking and a new phone and SIM card was abit trying today. 😅When my drains blocked at

Christmas that was a bit stressful.

I don't change tyres because I physically can't. That's why I pay aa membership.

Yes I totally agree with you OP. I find it a bit wearing when people behave like this, but obviously keep quiet.

I just don’t understand why people would be willing to restrict themselves like this.

Yes ! I’m shocked at my female friends who birthed children but cannot/will not travel into London at night on the train, make decisions about days out without consulting their DH’s, pay for things with their own money (must consult DH and joint bank account ) These are not women in abusive or controlling relationships and are not struggling financially, they’re just joined at the hip to their partners .

I put a plastic bottle in the recycle bin outside on my way past when I took the dog out. Such a chore. That'll get me off the hook for cleaning or something for a week

Apart from the third point (checking is not seeking permission) I agree with the OP. Though the degree to which people cannot live independently and the tasks they cannot do varies a great deal.

It’s not the worst crime but it’s pretty unimaginative. Many people who don’t have one skill, spend time developing another. And other people, owing to a mh or other condition, or sheer lack of confidence, just find practical life harder and overwhelming and more difficult than the average person. Despite what people are saying on here, it’s often not something they can help, it just is… .

Lots of pps would automatically dismiss many people I know as “incompetent adults” because they can’t drive in a city or drain a blocked sink, but some of them where I live rurally are extremely creative and highly skilled writers, artists
poets, gardeners, musicians and craftsmen. Some of them are very practical in their own sphere of work too.

But by all means carry on judging and sneering and expressing faux concern - it obviously gives everyone a little filip about themselves - of which perhaps they are in need.

The black bins open from the top and are pretty tall? It’s not

Oops I posted too early. Wheelie bins are really tall. Of course you have to lift the bin bag up?
Anyway whatever, it’s a job I do.. I just don’t see why people are angry about women who opt out of that job.

This is an important observation about the different effects of feigned helplessness between the sexes.

It has always been obvious to me when I think about them separately, but I'd never put them side by side like this.

I do remember being very nervous about putting petrol in my car for the very first time. However, after doing it, I then never thought twice about it. I can't imagine owning a car and not being able to put petrol in it.. that would give me so much anxiety- I'd be constantly watching the gauge terrified I'd be stuck somewhere if I ran out. I do think many people state "anxiety" as a reason for never trying. Often the thought of doing it is far more anxiety inducing than just getting on with it and then it becomes second nature.

Some of these simple things can seem a lot more daunting than they are and if a woman has a domineering/"helpful" husband, they are really putting themselves in a vulnerable position by never at least learning how to do these basic tasks and always relying on their husband and then looking up to him and seeing him as some all important being because he does a few (basic) tasks that seem insurmountable.

One of my female relatives is like this- I don't think she's ever chosen a holiday never mind booked one. The destination will always be suggested by her dh and booked by him on a date chosen by him. He does the motorway driving. He does the food shopping and the cooking- and decides what they will have every single day without ever asking her what she might fancy. He deals with the bins, the garden and anything car related. As far as I can tell she does very little other than a bit of hoovering (when he tells her it's time to do so). The lack of agency would drive me insane. I do think part of it is his controlling nature- he likes the fact she relies on him and it makes him feel important and needed. I do wonder what she would be like if she'd never met him and married someone different or remained single.

In summary, I can't relate to helpless adults either.

There’s a difference between not doing ordinary adult things (lawn mowing, DIY, dog walking, driving, dealing with bins) and not doing things that require male strength (changing tyres, putting on snow chains, hanging doors inspired by another thread)…

How old is she?

I'm with you, OP, and I'm making a point of teaching my kids "life skills" so they don't need to rely on other people for everyday tasks. We flew together recently and once we got to the airport I said to the kids, "OK, what now?" They basically led me through baggage drop off, check in, security and through the terminal 😀

I absolutely cannot abide grown adults who are needy and dependent.

Not a raging feminist nor do I have a point to prove. I think you massively missed my point.

There’s a difference between not doing ordinary adult things (lawn mowing, DIY, dog walking, driving, dealing with bins) and not doing things that require male strength (changing tyres, putting on snow chains, hanging doors inspired by another thread)…
But see there’s the difference- I’d move lawn mowing and diy onto your second list because they need strength. I recently mowed the lawn and was barely able to lift my arms for days after. Dh just sauntered along like there was nothing wrong. Most diy works out better with some strength behind it.

I had a similar experience recently - I took my kids to Washington DC for a long weekend while my husband stayed home. Rented a VRBO, saw the sights. Terrific trip! I was amazed at the number of FB responses I received along the lines of, "You're so brave, I could never take my kids alone on vacation" and "I don't know how you managed them all!"

I'm not the old woman who lived in a shoe. I have three kids and I'm perfectly capable of shepherding them into a plane/metro/Uber/into a hotel room. WTF are people so scared by?

I completely agree with you, I have never / will never rely on someone to the point I am unable to do something myself. I travel for work so not being able to drive on a motorway or get a flight by myself would severely impact my earning ability. My mum always relied on my dad to drive and sort finances. It's been a nightmare since he died as she now expects me to drive her to places she really could drive to and I live 45 minutes away, work full time and am the main parent to a 7 year old, so I just can't take her to every appointment. It is all about mindset and the desire to overcome mental obstacles.

Slightly off topic, but linked, having read some of the responses here: one school I worked in asked for staff to 'go along and support' Y10 girls who were scheduled to have injections that day. I asked what sort of support was needed, assuming the students in question had some disability or condition which required it and was told 'oh, no - all the girls - they are in tears and some are hysterical'. These were 15 year-old girls - I'd have been much more sympathetic had they been 5! Talking to other staff members it seems the girls had simply been conditioned to think that it was 'feminine' and 'cute' to make a drama about such a routine thing (and my God, injections now are NOTHING like they were when I was that age!! You hardly know they've touched you). Apparently, they got a lot of attention from the boys by weeping so ostentatiously.
Are you talking about the hpv vaccines? Sorry but they’re known to be sore and make you feel very off afterwards and I’ve sat in with boys afterwards and a lot had head in their hands, very pale etc. If it was a nurse that told you they were trying to get attention they shouldn’t be working with teenagers.

And I live in the US; it was a 3 hour domestic flight. Not a round-the-world expedition.

But there’s plenty of men who say they can’t cook, operate a washing machine or look after their kids by themselves aren’t there.

these incompetences se strangely traditionally gender biased don’t they? 🤔

Ditto.

My car battery ran down recently and to my mother's astonishment, I got out my jump leads and spare battery and jumped my car back into life, rather than shouting for my husband to come and do it. I just googled "how to jump start a car" while I was standing on my driveway...