Lack of independence in some adults

[Violaviolin]

I am always amazed that some adults seem completely incapable of independence. The last week or so has shown up so many things.

1. A friend saying her husband puts petrol in the car for her as she 'wouldn't know what to do.' She's been driving for over 10 years.

1. A different friend saying there's 'no way she could fly by herself.' She's 36.

1. Friends/family constantly having to check what partners are doing before agreeing to meet (not a childcare situation).

1. Colleagues saying they can't drive to x and asking for a lift (miles out of my way) despite the fact they can drive and have a car. I'm nervous driving in cities but you just have to get on with it don't you.

1. People who say they couldn't live by themselves.

AIBU that too many people lack independence?

My MIL is like this, I find it so odd! She relies on her partner for all things household, financial and car related. Gets her elderly parents to book Doctors appointments for her and pay her council tax at the post office every month, can’t go anywhere or do anything without either a parent, sibling or DC going with her, won’t go anywhere new, it’s mental.

I'm not a particularly independent adult.

I lived at home with my parents until I was 25 and then lives straight in with my now husband.

I've never had to learn to be alone and I don't want to.

I can put petrol in my car, but there's lots of things that I do leave to my husband. I don't particularly like going out without him, and I wouldn't want to catch a flight or something like that without a friend or someone with me.

I won’t fly alone, I’m petrified of it. Do plenty of other things independently thanks

Also checking with your partner before making plans is just common courtesy, the fact you don’t know this is at your age is a damn sight more shocking than someone checking with their partner that they’re not busy.

I have to know how to do everything by myself as I am a single parent. I don't have a choice to defer jobs to someone else as they are 'blue' jobs or a bit icky. I'm teaching my children how to look after themselves.

My partner (doesn't live with us) does help with car maintenance because he uses the car also, but I am perfectly capable of sorting it myself. Everyday maintenance such as putting in fuel or topping up screenwash is part of owning a car.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for adults (male or female) who won't learn how to look after themselves or their household. The flip side is parents who don't try and teach their children life skills. They are doing their children no favours. I work with a lot of young adults that don't know how to use a washing machine as their mum does their washing and I find that quite pathetic tbh. They seem pretty proud of it.

I wouldn't find helplessness attractive in a partner either.

As contraversial as it is, I don't believe anxiety (diagnosed or undiagnosed) can be used as a get out of jail free card for not doing chores. Using a wachine machine, cutting grass, putting bins on a kerb are basics.

What do these people do when there is noone to do it for them? Do you just watch the washing pile up? Keep chucking bin bags into the garden around the full bin? Try and drive the car with no fuel in?

I get anxious going to the bar alone to order and I will do anything to get out of having to phone anybody, whether I know them or not. So my partner does that stuff. Although I have flown alone before kids, I am now terrified of flying and wouldn't cope alone.
I was sexually abused as a child and bullied at school and I've recently realised I have ADHD after years of wondering if I have autism. I'm dreadfully sorry for letting the side down though. Do forgive me.
On a side note, have you ever plumbed in a brand new radiator? Or fitted a bathroom from scratch by yourself? I have, and I must say I think you're a pathetic woman if you can't do this very simple task.
I once had to lead a very spirited stallion that had been stabled all winter out to the field for his first time one Spring day. Out of 2 women and 3 men, I was the only one capable/ strong enough to hold him. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and the mud was ankle deep and sticky. I managed just fine. Could you do that?
See how we're all different?

Is there any need to be so confrontational?

Your thread is confrontational

I'm a widowed solo mum so I've had no choice but to get on with things but I think you're being a bit harsh here...

2. A different friend saying there's 'no way she could fly by herself.' She's 36.

Fear of flying is pretty common. I had to get professional treatment for mine, and before that I physically couldn't have persuaded myself to get on a plane alone. I'm fine now but it took a lot of therapy!

3. Friends/family constantly having to check what partners are doing before agreeing to meet (not a childcare situation).

I don't see this as a lack of independence, just a courtesy? I would check with my DP that we didn't have anything on before I agreed a date for something.

But why? Partners aren't joined at the hip or certainly shouldn't be. If I want to go out with friends then I will. I don't need permission.

@Violaviolin the PP you quoted wasn’t being confrontational, you’ve come and posted a completely bitchy post slagging off people that don’t do certain things alone. Can guarantee there’s things in this life you can’t do, how about you tell us them so we can tell you how weak and pathetic you are and how much you’re letting down women across the globe for it.

It's not a fear of flying, it's just 'I couldn't do it alone.'

My goodness. I think you're the one that needs to learn common courtesy. I'm an idiot for having an opinion?

I would hate to think I had to rely on my DH to fill my car up with fuel, or that I could not fly alone or order a drink in a bar.

I travel regularly between NZ and UK and would not think twice about hiring a car in both countries, filling it up with petrol and driving to a restaurant to order a meal and a drink.

How awful to be dependent on my DH for things which I can do and what happens if I am dependent and then something happens to him?

How can women claim to be equal and yet need a man to do these simple things?

Oh please! Men do it to, just with different things! Men who can't work a washing machine, don't know how to cook, can't look after children, can't change a nappy, don't understand romance, who can't shop on their own, for even their own clothes.

There are men like this, there are women like this. Learned helplessness, weaponised incompetence, manipulative neediness. It's not a female only thing, by a very long shot.

I don't really care if people choose not to do certain things because they have a partner to do it for them. I do have very little sympathy if they refuse to learn how to do those things when heir partner isn't there or, on a more day to day basis, if they refuse to even try new things. My mum was a baker and loved making cakes. My dad loves eating cakes and never baked. Now he has taught himself a few basic things as she's no longer there to do it for him.

MIL once made us all return from a day out because she absolutely refused to check in for her flight online via a phone. She insisted it had to be done via her computer at home. Possibly, that's a slightly different thing - fear of new things, but her refusal to even attempt it, even with us helping, made me so mad.

Some people can't 'just get on with it' and have anxieties and/or hidden siabilities, by their very nature you won't necessarily aware of. No need to change those people or 'nudge' them along as a pp mentioned. Just let them be 🌸

Men do do it too - but as you acknowledge, with men it’s usually cleaning / shopping / childcare: basically “not knowing” about things which mean they get an easier life because mummy or wifey does all the shit work. With women it’s more often not driving / not being involved with or having access to family finances / not going out alone: things which make them more reliant and thus more vulnerable. How many women post on MN saying they’re in abusive relationships but are scared to leave because they wouldn’t know the first thing about living alone and have no idea what the family finances look like “because hubby has always done our banking / sorted out insurances”?

Sure, for some people it may be anxiety or mental health problems; but that alone doesn’t explain why the different incompetences are quite so gendered.

I think there's a distinction between people who know they've got a problem and are trying to address it, through medication or counselling or just pushing themselves out of their comfort zone sometimes, and those who just resign themselves to never doing the things that a nt, independent adult should be able to achieve. I don't understand the second group at all but know lots of them.

Lol, you literally started a confrontational thread! 😆 Was there any need? Are you feeling a bit defensive because you're no good at plumbing? It's OK, I'm not really judging you.

*disabilities

Of course you don't need permission. But do you not talk to each other about what you're doing? If you both just do whatever you want, without any conversation, what about clashes? What about children or dogs or work etc?

It's really not weird to check in with your partner about your schedules!

Strategic helplessness can be very controlling in practice. It can be an effective way of not doing something which you then have to do their order.

That can be a function of anxiety but also, it can be done to ruin otherwise relaxing times for other people.

Strategic incompetence is pretty clear because that person won't make a decent effort to try. Those people are tiresome and at worst, controlling.

Why are you ignoring sensible comments op?

I'm a single parent of 20 years. I had to do stuff on my own.

Anxiety at menopause is very common.

Why are you so scathing? Is it better for me to take a cab or would you prefer I drove and had a panic attack on a busy motorway?

My thread isn't confrontational at all. Not being defensive at all. No I can't do plumbing. I am sure the vast proportion of the population can't either. I can do basic plumbing things like re pressurising my boiler etc and I'm sure I could do more if I really wanted to. If I needed to learn, I would.