My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

Dear neighbour
I am finding your constant texting re play dates overwhelming. With school, after school activities and family matters our weeks are full and there is no time for a play date.
If we have time and DS is interested I will message regarding a weekend play date approx once a month.
Please accept this as my final decision and stop the constant contact otherwise I will have no alternative but to block you.
Regards

I agree - except I’d say no once each time, and not repeat if if she responds. It’s like with a dog, saying it more than once weakens it.

I wouldn’t agree to a regular thing, then you’ll end up beholden on a specific day plus all the pushy crap. Just say no. I would struggle to but you have to, she’s making your life a misery.

Also - she should understand anxiety, and now she’s making you anxious. I suspect she wouldn’t be so intense with someone less nice who had already made it clear. On some level she knows she can make her problem yours. Are there any other kids in your block?

That was a great response, what happened afterwards, if you don’t mind sharing?

Text her exactly this, and say also that sorry you are too busy for daily contact.

Obviously YANBU but just say no!
Tell her what you’ve said here, he’s got homework, it’s too late after activities, you are seeing family, he needs time to rest.
If she knocks on the door ignore it.

Suggest this mum finds afterschool activities for her son , poor child home schooled missing out on interaction with others and a only child he needs to learn to share, communicate with other children and play with others . How sad.

I also think just set up a regular one or two hour session a week - rather than any ‘ad hoc’. If that’s what you can do. If not just refuse.

I'd hate to imagine the fall out if op couldn't stick to these sessions. Her dc is not an emotional support human or activity for this other child.

Ah OP you sound far too nice for your own good! You need to take the bull by the horns and text her before she next texts you, with an arrangement for the next play date, in say a week’s time. Then if she tries to arrange something earlier you can say no you’re busy until Friday or whatever and you’ll see her then.

Yes OP would need to be very certain that a) she could stick to these and b) it would actually be beneficial to her child too.

Poor child probably isn't anxious at all - or wouldn't be if the mother was more rational.
Are SS involved? Keeping him in 24/7 if there are no real issues sounds abusive.

Is the mother the only other person the child sees? That is so wrong.

That poor child, enclosed in such an intense environment. I think it may not be the child who has all the problems.

Your child is not her child's (or her) anxiety support dog. It's too much for her to expect him to devote so much time to their needs.

As everyone's saying, time to tell her that your child has a busy life and would be pleased to have a weekly playdate (if he actually enjoys them). Then ignore any texts that aren't about that arrangement.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

"No. And I 'm not of a mind to send my son around to play at all, if you continue being passive aggressive with me."

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

Grey rock/block.

"No."

"I find it stressful when I receive so many texts from you. My son will play with yours occasionally but my son is not available every day and I do not appreciate the constant messages. I will let you know when my son is free to play with yours."

I have tried ignoring texts but she knocks on my door.

"All the answer you need is in the messages I already sent you. Please don't send repeated messages or knock if I haven't replied , it's very invasive. If you cannot be more understanding I will need to say my son will not be coming over again."

"I will answer your text when I'm ready to. Don't knock on my door if you don't get an answer, it's very intrusive and it makes me even less inclined to help." <shut door>

I have tried to say we're busy etc but she does not take no for an answer! But I do know 'no' is an answer. I just find it really difficult to say.

Stop giving her excuses, she's clearly good at countering them. Get better at saying the difficult thing and only the difficult thing. Get better at feeling like you're being rude and disappointing her - after all, she doesn't give a shit if she's being rude to you.

I just hate confrontation. I'm quite introverted and don't want to upset anyone.

I promise you that your life will improve immeasurably if you learn to be more assertive. You CAN do this.

That poor child, enclosed in such an intense environment. I think it may not be the child who has all the problems.

I agree wholeheartedly - I'd put money on it being the mother who is the problem.

YaNBU, I think most people would find this pretty stressful! She doesn’t sound like she’s coping that well with homeschooling but that’s not your problem at all. I hope she figures it out. As a people pleaser I would also find this difficult to address.

My non confrontational message would read: “Hey look, I’m not a huge texter and so don’t be offended but I just can’t keep up with replying to lots of text messages. We have a pretty full schedule through the week but I’d love to make sure we keep scheduling in our play dates as I know DS reallly enjoys them! How are you guys fixed a week on Sunday?”

The key parts for me would be emphasising our love of these play dates closely followed by suggesting a date that is more than a week away. Make em feel secure in the mutual nature of your relationship and then BOSH manage those expectations!

Tbh I agree with people saying it sounds like mum is the problem, is it actually her with anxiety and not the child? This is the only reason I can think that she's proper latched on to you, and not into the home Ed networks around her. Or atleast trying to build up her child's exposure to the outside world.
Anxiety is hard to overcome but it can be done...has to be done for a child or their life will be incredibly isolated and unfulfilled.

@NewContender

She was huffed initially then she did ease off the requests and just politely asked if DD wanted to go round and play and didn't respond if I said no it wasn't convenient.

This is really weird, and would really stress me out!

Firstly, don’t feel you have to be nice. This woman is harassing you and you and you are going to have to be very blunt to get her to stop. If she knocks on your door don’t answer. Or if you do answer say you are getting cross with all this badgering and will she please stop it. And shut the door.

I would also contact SS as this is not normal behaviour and I suspect, as others have said, that it’s her who had]s the anxiety not the child. And if a 5 year old never leaves the house that is concerning. They may already know about him but they may not.

And finally, this is not your problem. Your son is not there to bolster this crazy woman’s son. You are now stressed and uncomfortable in your own home due to her behaviour, and it needs to stop. You have offered the child to join you in the park and she refuses. You’ve been kind, now ignore her.

I would be tempted to block her number too…

YANBU, OP.

Yes, set a clear boundary asap. Once a week - if at all. Lots of tactful and non-confrontational ideas have already been suggested for dealing with this diplomatically.

I feel sorry for the home-schooled child. This parent seems very needy and socially inept and that doesn't imply a very healthy atmosphere for the child. Yes, home-schooled children need to mix and socialise with others but brow-beating your neighbour into a regular schedule (which doesn't suit their needs) isn't the answer.

Even without home-schooling it can be difficult dealing with demands from close neighbours - they know your movements! I had a very pushy neighbour once who basically wanted her 3 children to be able to invade our house and garden with total freedom (they weren't the same age as my children, and they weren't friends...also very loud and a bit feral). I'm a cowardly introvert but - bliimey! That concentrated my mind and I was very firm with her. Though it took a bit of courage I was glad every day that I'd been firm.

I'd also be slightly wary of a power imbalance - your ds is 18mths younger, and at 5yrs that's a significant distance. And the playdates always occur at the neighbour's home.
Do you sometimes accompany your ds? What is the neighbour like?

If the child is anxious, they may gravitate towards a desire to have more "control" of any given situation in order to reduce anxiety. This is fine if the other people are happy with that, are fairly easy going and know how to assert boundaries if they need to. At 5, going on 6, that might not always be the case and an adult is sometimes needed to ensure fair play and reassert healthy boundaries if/when necessary.
If you're not there, does the mother do this fairly on both children's behalf?
I'd have a background concern that if the mother is riding roughshod over your boundaries, she would allow her child to do the same to your ds's.
I'd also not want the reverse situation, where she puts your ds on a pedastal either - as that's equally unhealthy.
This is such a crucial time for children to learn what fair play and healthy boundaries look like.

She knocks at your door if you don't reply to her texts ?!!

I think it's better to be politely honest to her

When she knocks open door, don't let her in. Say "this is too much.. 4 texts and now you're knocking in my door?
DS goes to school & wants to rest, spend time with me, do his reading, his activities. He & I have a a lot on, we are busy. Please stop texting me constantly. If we want to arrange a play date, I'll text you. Otherwise I'm going to have to put a stop to this completely. I've got to go . Bye" (then shut door)

Ps. I wouldn't agree to setting up any regular play dates even once a week. It's become a chore and neighbourmum harasses you

I've 3DCs abs we don't have a regular once a week play date with anyone! Don't have time to ... we set up playdates adhoc for who DCs want to see at that time a day or two in advance or on the day.