My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

Regular arrangements are a bad idea - you don't want to encourage any situation whereby this woman thinks you owe her your time and access to your child.
Bombarding someone with texts is unhinged behaviour.

THIS.

@Bigcaz40 the one question you haven't answered if you are still on mn ....

Does your son enjoy playing with this boy?

If yes then a short 4/530 play once a week then Home for tea /homework etx May work

If no then Stand strong

"She expects an explanation" - she can expect what she likes, she's not flipping getting one! (would be my attitude!)

You owe her absolutely nothing. She's being a pest, and really it's bordering on (if not full on) harassment, given that she actually knocks on your door if she doesn't get a reply to her texts.

Given her behaviour and complete lack of consideration for you, I actually wouldn't want to facilitate having her in your or your child's lives at all. She's not entitled to access to you or your child, it's a two-way thing. You're not employed to support her son with his anxiety by providing a playmate, nor support to her in the form of being at her beck and call. Sorry, this has got me really pissed off 😅

I'd personally be putting in some hard boundaries now. Respond how YOU want to respond, and WHEN you want to respond. Seriously, teach yourself this off by heart: you owe her nothing. Stop explaining yourself, stop thinking about what she expects and how to cover yourself - a no is a no.

I'm also quite naturally conflict-averse, and grew up a people-pleaser. Recently I've started putting boundaries like this in place, and responding to things how I want to respond, instead of automatically thinking about what the person expects from me and aligning myself with that. It gets easier surprisingly fast, and feels sooooo good!

The explanation is that she has harassed you into not wanting to have anything to do with her.

Your child isn't a resource for her child to use and her problems are not yours to solve.

Someone who tries to trample over an adult's boundaries probably won't let a five year old child have any.

I'm sympathetic to her situation of possibly having a neuro diverse son who has anxiety and "won't go outside "and wanting him to have social interaction of another child to play with . But she must live with the choices sw is making as there is support out there for her which doesn't involve harassing the mother of another local child who lives in same flat scheme as she does.

That's a lot to put on your 5 year old DS and on you

She isn't taking No for an answer because it seems very obvious that she isn't interested in how your DS may feel, whether he is exhausted after a day at school and an activity straight after school, or how you feel. (Maybe because her son doesn't go out or maybe as she doesn't care as she's uninterested in your DS's welfare nor yours, other than what you can do for them. )

That's why you must learn to say "No thanks"- don't explain or justify.

@Bigcaz40 - you get to choose how you and your DS spend your precious free time. That might include the odd play date with this neighbourhood boy or not. When it suits you and your DS. Play dates should be mutual to benefit both children and both sets of parent(s).

Your DS will want to have play dates with friends from his own class, he'll be in Year 1 at a time making the friends he wants to, is so important. Not being used as a sole support to another child with multiple issues.

As someone who homeschools , if she chooses to, she can link up with homeschooler groups and make friends there too. This is not - and should not be - on your shoulders.

I think it's ridiculous she is banging on your door at 7.30pm expecting you to send a 5 year old child up to her flat to play at that time, when you haven't replied to her many texts. That's why I think you are better off stepping back entirely. She's lost all sense of proportion or care for what is best for you and your child.

Anyone who behaved in this way to me, would have been told to stop and leave us alone

I wonder whether it's ultimately better to block this mums phone number, aa she is unwilling to listen to your no (lack of reply is also a No!)
I can't imagine she'd be someone I would want to have care of my young child during a play date, given how little thought or consideration she gives to you or your DS's needs.

• she not sw

It is far easier to stop being a people pleaser wanting to be "kind" when the other person is not being kind in the slightest, causing you and your son harm by making so many demands of a single mum or any parent when it's not what is best for your child.

You're not even her family, you owe her nothing.

If she cared at all about you or your son she would care that he's only 5 , is tired after being out most of the day, and it's his bedtime soon. He deserves his mum (parent) time, his wind down time, all DCs want that.

The neighbour thinks OP is a member of staff in her home school

Hi everyone,

Wow. There are so many messages and I'd like to reply to everyone but I haven't worked through all of the replys yet!

Thanks for all of the advice. Such great advice.

Just to answer a few questions:

• Yes my DS does enjoy the play dates.

• No I do not get an invite into their home but I have been in. It is a clean, nice, looked after, 'normal' kind of home.

• There is a dad around but he works shifts and he is not home alot.

• The neighbours son doesn't not ever ever go out. I said he does not go out 'often' in my original post. But occasionally maybe once a week they will go out.

• I have asked if a professional could help to get him out but neighbour has said no one can help right now as he is going through the diagnosis phase. So I think professionals may know about him already such as ss, gp, etc.

• I have invited them here but the neighbours son 'freezes' on his way and turns home. We live on the same floor.

• Neighbour has mentioned her son may have autism but does not know and puts his anxiety down to too much sensory overload and he needs to stay indoors after too much exposure.

• I think contacting ss to do a homecheck to make sure all is well is a good idea.

I have decided to block and just stop all contact. If she comes to the door I will just talk through the door. Not sure of what Il say yet! I'm still working on that.

I'm feeling empowered after all the replys and advice though. Thanks everyone. ☺️☺️

If she comes to the door I will just talk through the door. Not sure of what Il say yet! I'm still working on that
sorry I cant open the door because
I'm not dressed
covered in fake tan
hair dye on my head
in the middle of baking hands covered in dough
have a blinding headache
there are loads of possibilities...what kind of person just knocks on the door & expects you to drop everything & attend to them anyway, surely a normal person would msg first to see if it's convenient?!

Say the standard MN response "Unfortunately a playdate doesn't work for your son right now/today/this week." And repeat...

This is one of those situations where the more you day, the more scope there is for her to begin a drawn out debate with you.

I think your plan is good op. There is no way I'd be sending my 5 year old over to someone I didn't know well and who behaved like this. No way would I leave him in her care.