My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

I don't understand how she cannot take no for an answer? She sounds deranged. It's really simple. Choose a night of the week when you want to do it and just say to her that it's once a week.

Can you say in a slightly jokey way, ‘Sandra, you’ve sent me 13 texts today! My own mother doesn’t message me that much - can you tone it down? It’s very distracting and I’m beginning to worry about your mental health. Listen, I know you want to do play dates all the time, but we’re not available in the way that you want us to be. Have you thought about getting help for Brian so at least he’ll be able to go to school and make proper friends?’ Or words to that effect. I suspect she has some form of neurodiversity and would benefit from a more direct approach.

I'd literally just say he's been socialising all day and prefers not to once they get home.. that's a permanent one time reply then.

I had similar. My DD was friends with an autistic girl. I didn't mind her going round there when she wanted to play with the girl.

However, I started getting frequent messages asking my DD to go around immediately as the girl was asking for her, then when I said no because we were doing something or she was playing with other children, the mother accused me of letting her daughter down and causing meltdowns.

I had to say my DD isn't there to prevent her daughter having meltdowns and I appreciate it is hard when she doesn't get what she wants, but my DD also has a life and is free to choose what she does too.

I felt awful about saying that to her, but I didn't want my DD feeling forced to go around there every time she was summoned when she really wanted to do other things.

I feel quite worried about neighbour's son

He enjoys and needs social contact but is anxious about going outside at all, under any circumstances? SEN or not it must be in his best interests to go to school. This doesn't feel right at all.

Honestly I'd do an anonymous concerned call to children's services.

Yep, I agree. You've written the text you need to send her, OP. If she comes back with a pass-agg response, simply repeat it and keep repeating it until she gets the message.

Terrible advice to commit to a weekly playdate! You'll be held to it and feel like you and your ds can't make other plans then. Does your ds enjoy the playdates? If you're brave enough, I'd have a chat about feeling under pressure and ask her (nicely!) To back off. Otherwise I'd just keep doing what you've been doing. And don't feel like you have to reply to every message. She's being very manipulative. She might have her sons best interests at heart and of course nice to help with a challenging situation (anxiety so young sounds really hard for her and her ds) but not at the expense of your own life.

I would absolutely not set anything regular. You will never get out of it. You're just swapping one problem for another. What happens when you have something on or your DS doesn't want to play?
I'd just start to ignore the texts tbh.

Explain, 'I know it's nice for my son to come and play with yours as he doesn't go out. However, my son does enjoy going out to play and does activities after school. Our days are busy, but I'll let you know when he's free.

Sympathise with you OP. This is so intrusive, annoying and tiresome. The mother is not considering you or your son at all. I appreciate she wants a friend for her son but she's being very selfish.

It all depends on how you want to set your boundaries. So would you be OK with a set playdate once a week for 2 hours? That way you could be honest and say that you have a busy week, often have plans afterschool and you are led by your child so if he chooses to play outdoors for example you are OK with that but as long as your son is happy a set day would work best? Or would you rather not engage at all? Whichever route you go down you are going to have to be honest and direct in explaining that you find the multiple texts intrusive, the questioning very rude and you do not like the knocking on your door at all.

They do need to work on his anxiety and get help but it isn't your child's responsibility to always be available and act as a regular companion. It's a lot of pressure to put on a young child. Sounds like a very difficult situation to be in.

If happy with a play date once a week then pick a day and time and stick to it

Ignore all other texts

If she keeps banging on your door either ignore or tel her she is harassing you and stop or the weekly play date will stop

I also would not be telling her I could do one playdate a week because on the weeks you cant, she will carry on like this.

Tell her you dont have the time and in future if your son is free and wants to play, you will text her. Tell her to stop texting you.

You must be direct. The alternative is to just put up with it if you wont say anything.

Just keep saying “not today thanks”. If your son enjoys this little boys company, perhaps agree once every week or two. Don’t respond to her each and every text. Ignore them unless there is really something you want to say in response. Read (or not) and delete otherwise.

God she sounds like hard Work and incredibly Suffocating Needy ect doesn't she,
Her sons issues sound mostly of her own making...
She needs to pause and slowly breath,

Her sons issues are not your Concern

Does your son want to play with her son once a week? Or is she just manipulating your ds into being an emotional prop for hers?

Does your son like going there? If so, I'd let him go over once a week. I'd tell her, " sorry we're very busy. Can only do once a week play dates." If he doesn't particularly enjoy it, then tell her, I'm sorry he doesn't want to come. What can she say?! Nothing.

Is there some cultural difference that would make her miss your obvious cues that you dislike these interruptions.

Don't even give a once/week offer. She will use that to keep her foot in your door, so to speak.

I can't imagine the anxiety and dread that her intrusive behaviour is causing you. You need to cut it off.

"Neighbour, I'm sorry to say this but your constant demands for our time and attention have become very off-putting. We are a busy family and are not available, effective immediately, for play dates or anything else. I will be blocking your number and will not respond to further demands. Thank you."

I’m of the same opinion, this is not right, they need appropriate help.

In the meantime, you need to get as assertive as her, and not worry about how she feels about it.

When she knocks on the door just refer to your text, “I told you that it’s not a good time, please leave us alone, it’s getting intrusive that you repeatedly call, text and now knock on my door. I won’t be changing my mind because you keep asking. This needs to stop now”. And close the door.

If she carries on tell her that you will be reporting it. You don’t need to really, but it might make her think twice.

The easy solution is to have a regular slot in the diary so that the kids know when they will see each other next. It could be every Friday after school maybe?

you also could respond with ‘bit to busy to play the next few days but Saturday morning would be ideal’. So she knows when the kids will see each other next, even if it’s a few days away.

I'd probably also play dumb and just say yes as and when rather than commit to anything. However it must be unbelievably hard for your neighbour. Maybe she really doesn't want to keep asking but has no choice. She sounds at her wits end and that's such a sad thing. I know others say you aren't responsible for that but what a sad situation.

I'd also add if the roles were reversed and a desperate mother posted here, I think the replies would be different

If you are getting multiple texts on any one day and texts every day then I think you need to be a bit blunt.

'Hi neighbour. It's lovely that your ds wants to play lots but I need to make it clear that we aren't really available as often as you'd like. We have a busy schedule of clubs, some family committments and in between have to fit in homework and some downtime so he really cannot come round every day and I am finding the muktiple daily requests a little intrusive. I would have thought you might have picked up that we aren't always available but as you haven't I feel I need to spell it out. Please don't take offense, your ds is lovely and I know you are just trying to build some social time for him hut please be aware of the impact this is having on me. I would prefer not to feel constantly guilty or having to explain myself.

Limit it to once a week, and only then if your child wants to go. If the woman whinges, tell her your kid has his needs just as hers has, and they are no less important.

Mine wouldn't be. Both kids have needs, the OP's just as much as the neighbour's kid, and once a week for him at his age is enough, and only then if he wants to go. It sounds to me like the other Mum needs professional help, as well as her child. As for the texts, if you're texting people more than once in a day to ask for a child's playdate, you need to see your GP on your own account, because what you're doing is harassment, and if you don't get help to stop doing it, you could be in real trouble.

I'd be stopping these play dates altogether because of the mother's behaviour. She is borderline stalking you and her behaviour is harassment. I'd be concerned what she is saying to your DS when he is over at hers. If she calls at the door, tell her you are not available to arrange play dates at the moment as you are too busy and DS is too tired. You will text her when you are available but please don't call to the door again as it is upsetting for DS.