My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

This is horrifying. As you describe the current situation, I wouldn’t want my child to go there at all. I know these things progress slowly over time but the mother’s behaviour now is completely unacceptable. I would not commit to anything regular. I would say I’m not happy with the current arrangement, there’s no give and take, there’s no understanding of your son’s other activities/commitments/family life in general, and the level of contact is overwhelming and intrusive. I’d say that I need to stop all contact (texts and play dates) now and I’d block her. If she comes over, I would not answer the door. You can’t solve whatever is going on here, there is no happy middle ground, it needs to stop.

Don't feel bad - they are not homeschooling properly and sending your son every day would be facilitating this. I'd do a bland reply every time. "Sorry its family time for us today."

The woman clearly has issues. Who in their right mind keeps a young child at home all day and doesn't make any effort to address their "anxiety". The poor boy needs fresh air and exercise, opportunities to meet people and learn about the world. Not a neighbouring child guilt-tripped into playing lego with him once per week. If the child really does have this level of social anxiety the mother needs to get him some help.

I'd raise some concerns with the social services.
It does not sound like everything (and everyone) are OK in that home.

They might be flying completely under the radar... Or, the social services are keeping an eye out already, and nothing lost in that case.
I'm concerned about the boy 😥

This is becoming harassment. It’s not on. I’d send her one message saying we’re happy to play once a fortnight- but that’s it. We’re busy and have other obligations. Then block her number if you have to.

The poor little boy. He sounds like the mother is mad and is going to make him as weird as he is. If I were you I’d be dropping social services a line saying you’re worried about him effectively being kept in the house all day.

Its a shame, but not your child’s job to fix. If she doesn’t take no for an answer block her number.

Personally if it were me, I'd be ignoring her texts (blocking if necessary) and knocks on the door. She sounds needy and entitled and that kind of behaviour turns me off , so I'd prefer not to have any further contact. Also I wouldn't be happy for my child to be spending hours in their home under that woman's supervision. It might seem rude to some, and sad for the neighbour's kid, but sometimes it's the only way.

I dealt with someone like this last year and in the end just had to ghost her. It was too intense.
I don’t think I’d even commit to once a week. I wouldn’t want my son being influenced by this intensely “anxious” boy.
The friendship is pointless because as they grow up and want to be going out and about on their own your son will need to find more capable friends anyway. And he’s not this boys saviour.
Why does his mum pander to his anxiety (or even encourage it) instead of trying to get him out of his shell.
What 5/6 is old boy is that anxious he can’t leave the house? Usually that sort of thing would happen much later. I may be reaching here but is he being abused by someone else in the household. There’s another reason to cut off contact.

I know it may seem mean but I’d end the contact.

I agree.
The barrage of texts is working for her, but understandably it’s annoying you and it’s also putting your son in a difficult position. He doesn’t need to go to anyone’s house to play if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need to be this child’s chosen support person when he has a life of his own. The mother needs to learn that badgering and pestering another mum like this is not OK. You’re worrying about “upsetting” her - well she’s upsetting you. And she’s using your son. Please don’t worry about upsetting a demanding, rude person. That’s how they get away with it.

I do wonder whether this child genuinely doesn’t go out because of his “anxiety issues” or whether it’s something to do with the mum. She sounds very intense and odd.

It sounds to me like it’s her anxiety issues not her kid’s. I would NOT be offering any commitment to weekly play dates or anything, your son is not responsible for her child’s development and giving her the inch of a weekly/regular play date will encourage her to take the mile.

If you can’t feel able to be clear with her on ‘no, that doesn’t work for us’ I would just block her. Be strong for your son’s sake.

This would drive me insane. I couldn’t deal with it at all, the older I get the less I tolerate high maintenance people in general. The feeling of being spied on would really annoy me.

First, stop responding to every text. Keep it firm bit polite and do not go into detail with reasons. Just say, ‘sorry ds name is not free today’ and then do not reply to further texts. Then at other times just say ‘we are really busy this week, ds wont manage’ and then IGNORE.
If you piss her off the so what, at least you won’t have to deal with incessant texting and intrusion into your life. I feel for you, this would drive me round the bend.

So the child never goes outside? Ever?

You need to ring SS

I definitely wouldn't set up a weekly arrangement. That would then be even more difficult to get out of, if and when your DC decides they don't want to do this. At this age they may be fine about it but as they get older they very likely may decide they don't want to spend time with this other child, yet the parent will have a fixed expectation. Life will get busier no doubt, so a fixed commitment to someone you don't owe anything to is likely to a pain in the future. Perhaps try to fade it out by not replying very often and if she challenges that then you will have to be truthful but kind and say it's lovely to do this occasionally but life is busy. Sounds stressful!

Could you say that you appreciate the invites but as your DS has so much on from now on you'll just text her when your DS is available for a play date to save her having to ask and you explain why he can't.

'Hi neighbour, x won't be able to come and play for a while as we have a lot on and desperately need some quality family time. I'm sorry Y isn't getting out at the moment but (my son) loves the outdoors and as spring has sprung we'll be out and about more. When we get back it's showers and downtime/family time. I'll message when x is available'

Quite wordy but I don't think she'll listen to short and sharp.

When she messages, copy and paste again.

If she comes banging, just ignore. Or send her a text 'is it you at the door, sorry I'm in the bath'

I have tried ignoring texts but she knocks on my door
dont open the door, speak to her through the door, say sorry you're busy cooking or something.
If you dont push back she'll just keep pushing,

Why don't you just be honest with her. Text her back saying,

'I need to be honest with you. I did not realise when you first asked if DS would like to play with your DS that you would expect such a lot of contact and so much of our time. We can not do what you want- DS is at school all day, has extra- activities after school some nights, has other friends he likes to see and we have family we also see. He likes to be out with his bike and we go to the park and beach at weekends. Ontop of that he needs time at home and to be bathed, sorted out for school next day and settled for bed by 8pm. I am feeling quite overwhelmed by the amount of times you are contacting me- it's making me feel pressured and anxious. I am happy for the boys to play together occasionally but can't commit to anything regular. Perhaps they could meet up one afternoon during the school holidays after Easter weekend? Let me know if that suits you .'

Reading more people's replies. If the kid literally never leaves the house that's extremely worrying. I grew up in the care system I wouldn't normally suggest calling social services but a check by them may be in order. Have you been round there OP?

Humans don't function well being contained inside. Who knows the reasons but she should be taking her son out for fresh air even if it's not for socialising I can't see why that isn't happening for that child. I have aniexty and dreaded the school runs but you just do it because your child needs a functioning parent. Kids parties bloody hell don't want to do those but you go to them, you just do this stuff for your child to build healthy friendships.

She can't rely on other people's kids coming over. I'd also be worried all is not well at home and maybe that's why she doesn't let him out her son out her sight. Growing up in children's homes child neglect comes in all shapes and forms. A lot of kids I met were home schooled to avoid anyone prying in on their shit home lives.

Still in the camp of not sending your 5 year old over there by themselves. Just all sounds too weird.

my DS likes to be out on his bike and scooter alot too. I take him to skateparks alot on the weekends.

Absolutely fine to tell her you want your son to play outside more.

No way would I be committing my child to a weekly date with her son. 😯

I'd text back something like "Hi, I appreciate that your boy looks forward to playing with my son but as a family we are really busy and when we aren't rushing around we like to chill out together. It just doesn't work for him to come over to yours regularly and to be honest, I'm finding it increasingly stressful when you keep asking.
Have you thought about getting some professional help for your son so that he is able to overcome his anxiety and is able to access all the community groups and facilities that are available to him?".

This

I can't stand all this namby pamby stuff. Just tell her no, firmly. Or just ignore the messages, she'll soon get the message!

When you have a young child to advocate for then you don’t get the luxury to hate confrontation.

I would also agree with others that you shouldn’t promise a weekly play date. I don’t have any friends or family, or know anyone in my class at school, who have weekly scheduled play dates with the same child. If anything, the opposite - I’ve lost count how many times parents have said to me that they need a few weeks off from birthday parties and play dates because there’s just too many.

Besides on a practical matter, what happens if your DS gets invited to another playdate on that day? Or he’s unwell? Or a new club starts that he wants to join? Or there’s a birthday party? Or a dentist appointment crops up on playdate day? This mum isn’t going to let you off the hook so don’t bite it.

Does the boy genuinely have anxiety or is it the mum? The mum clearly has some issues and sounds like she hasn’t got many or any friends if she needs to constantly hound you. It seems like she’s MADE her son anxious.

You’re going to have to get blunt. Be clear your DS doesn’t see ANY friends for play dates daily and is juggling a lot as it is. Agree that if she knocks, you talk through the door or just ignore. If he does go up to play, specify very clearly the time. Have you been in there yourself? I would just really worry that this woman is guilt tripping your son.

Do you have a DH or partner to support you in backing you up? Or a neighbour who can look out for her and support you?

Oh for goodness sake.

"Sorry, not today" in reply to the first message. Ignore any that follow, mute or block if it helps.

And repeat.