My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

Just say 'Sorry, we have too much on at the moment.'

Stand your ground!

Just reply saying you’ve got a lot on and you will text when you’re free.

I would just block her, and ignore, then unblock and text if you want contact on a specific day

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on.

The answer is right there in your OP* *

I'd just continue to ignore the texts as you have started to do. YANBU, she sounds very intense.

Sorry my son has a full day at school and needs to relax. Something like that?

I wouldn’t even commit to once a week - as your child gets older and busier she sounds the type to hold you to it.

Keep on ignoring the messages and only respond if/when it’s convenient.

Maybe set up a regular weekly play date and say your son can't commit to any more than that at the moment. Ignore the endless texts or reply with a "Sorry, I did say we are busy, we'll see you on X as arranged though"

I think you should continue to ignore/reply less frequently to her but I think you need a proper chat with her and to put your big girl boots on.

Explain what you have said here, you are finding it all too much at the moment and you are finding the constant messages just too much.

I would set one afternoon a week when a playdate would usually work for you and text her to say ‘As we’re really busy, I think it would be great to organise a regular weekly playdate. Would Tuesday work for you, as it is the most convenient for us?’

If she texts you during the rest of the week, you can say ‘Sorry, not today, but looking forward to the weekly playdate on Tuesday’

If you are happy with once a week, just make it clear you'd like to do that but aren't able to do more often. Then repeat until she gets the message

Can you be a lot less available on text? And then start agreeing the next play date at the previous one?

So next time you’re at hers suggest putting a date for the following week in the diary. Don’t get swayed to more regularly than you feel comfortable with.

Then every time she texts in between reply with “we can’t do x but ds is really looking forward to seeing you on y”

I had a similar situation with our neighbour. You are not responsible for her child's mental health. Say/message directly what you are willing to accept (i.e. one message at the beginning of the week to arrange one playdate during the week). Then ignore every other or snooze her messages. She will get the picture.

With regards to the volume of texts: it's tricky, but unless you are to ignore you will have to bite the bullet and address it with her.

I know it's hard and awkward. I hate this sort of thing too, but to stop it you'll have to speak up.

Kindly: [Neighbour name] I don't want to hurt your feelings, and i'm happy for DS to play with yours from time to time, but could you not text me so often please. It's making me a bit stressed. Thank you.

Go from there.

Is your DS actually enjoying these playdates?

How old is her ds ?

I imagine her son is asking continuously.

At the start of the week I would text when he can come, and say you are busy the rest of the time. Keep sticking to that.

You can easily phase this out by taking longer and longer to reply. Start with an hour then increase each time you reply. She will get the message

There is no way I'd set up weekly play dates. You need to break the cycle for a start and I'd say going to a friends house every week is too much...responsibility for want of a better word.

The child is only five, he doesn't need to be used as a prop in someone else's life.

I agree, you need to tell her this.

Your son has can't be expected to provide a total social solution to your neighbour's child's situation. I'm glad you're not letting him be used for that.
I can see that she would be desperate to have company for her son, but she needs to understand that your child's own needs are your priority and he will be out doing lots of other activities.

Explain that you're not ok with such frequent texts and that you will contact her for playdates in future.

It is an awful shame for her child, but you can't afford to have such pressure from a near neighbour.

Just reply firmly "Not today, we're busy. " (Do not say "sorry" or offer any explanation/details)
If she swiftly repeats the request or asks for details just reply "Please stop this".
Don't answer any further messages, texts m calls that day.

I was wondering this! DS would hate it!

I would just say you aren’t doing weeknight play dates anymore as it is interfering with your DS’s homework and bedtime (we’ve always had that rule, nobody has ever queried it). Then at weekends, just say yes when you have nothing else on.

Don’t respond to multiple texts - say “no” once, then leave her on read. She has no consideration for your boundaries or comfort, so don’t worry about being rude to her - she isn’t worrying about being pushy with you!

No would completely ignore.

Her sons issues are not your issues.

Your DS does not exist to be a support person for another. The mother seems very needy, perhaps she is unwell herself but this is not your problem either.

As others have said, once a week if you feel like it, but don't get into a regular pattern or she will put more pressure on. Tuesday one week, Thursday another week. Ignore texts, and maybe your phone is about to develop some sort of fault? 😉

Good luck with the forthcoming school holidays. I hope you have some plans that make your DS unavailable.