My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

She sounds crazy and unhinged

I;d make the once a week a maximum, not a minimum. And I'd only allow it at all if my own kid wanted to go.

Sorry, missed this. If that is what she is doing, she needs to be told to stop, and be forced to take NO for an answer. She is crossing the line to harassment.
It's her choice to keep her child at home. You have no obligation, moral or otherwise, to do what she wants as a result of that decision. I do wonder if a safeguarding issue is emerging here. I'd be worried about that child.

She's effectively stalking you to come bashing on your door and texting relentlessly as soon as you're home. Tell her not to come knocking again. Text her so there is a record and if she continues I'd honestly consider a restraining order.
I also wouldn't send a 5 Yr old to someone's house with boundary issues like that.
Tell her it's her son's turn to come to yours and your DS won't be coming back anytime soon.
It'll be nicer weather shortly and he'll be at the park more.

Her son's issues are not your son's problem.

She can't be allowed to make your DS responsible for her child's mental health. Is he getting help? Is it really the child who has issues I wonder, because his mum seems not to have boundaries?

You need to be firm. If she's going to be so intense and pressurise you maybe it's time to cut the friendship out. Does your child actively want to play with this other child?

You are going to have to be very blunt they are using you.

As a childless person I'm just a bit surprised that a 5 year old has a busier life than me.

This.

Would a set day a week work? ‘Hi XX, I’m trying to get my diary organised as DS has been really tired and grumpy in the mornings recently and I need to get a set routine going. Can we set Mondays from 5-7 as a weekly playdate and stop the random visits throughout the week? Your DS is welcome here but happy for DS to go to you every week if that’s what suits?’

If I had an anxious mother like that, I'd also become anxious. I'd consider expressing a concern to social services that this child is not getting the support it needs from its mother. Home education can be great but here I'd worry it's being used to not address various issues.

It is okay to express upset and anger to this woman. You don't have to be nice to people who aren't nice to you. Don't say 'sorry' or 'no thanks' - a straightforward 'No, we're busy' and then mute her.

I actually think it’s nice having a neighbour that can look after your son in an emergency, especially if you are a single parent and so I wouldn’t burn my bridges with her.

You do need to be a bit more blunt though and say no he’s busy today but thanks for the offer.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like someone is watching your comings and going’s.

She is at home all day every day with him and probably doesn’t actually realise how much she’s texting and how much time you just don’t have.

I wouldn’t act like you are exhausted because I think then she’ll try and help more but the next time you see her I would say about how there’s not enough hours after school and how DS likes to spend his free time outside or just relaxing in his own room.

I feel really sorry for this child and it would be lovely if he can come to yours even just for 10 mins to pick up DS and then go back to his and then eventually go to the park together.
I know that’s not your responsibility but your son does seem like a good role model.

I agree!
put the neighbour on mute or block and say ‘that doesn’t work for me’ it sounds harsh but she is using you and your son. Sounds like she may be the one with issues not the son?

YANBU

Tbh it sounds very intense and it’s not your place to enable her especially at the expense of your family.

I think you need to have a chat rather than text. Explain that you understand she is just trying to meet her sons needs and whilst that’s admirable and you can sympathise you have to put your family first. Your son has different needs socially and enjoys variety and he loves having play dates with her son but can’t commit to a regular commitment as has other activities etc.

tbh it’s probably not the best thing for them to have that regular commitment either.

I had similiar with a home schooler when DS was small

She was a pain in the arse and worked her way through the class begging for play dates....nobody bothered as her kid was wild and bloody hard work. She was convinced she was entitled to this interaction due to home schooling. Nope!

That kid is in a YOI now ten years down the line

Agree. This is stalking.

Sorry, is her child also 5/6 years old, homeschooling and completely isolated to the point they won't even go to your flat or the local park?? That is very strange and sad. The mother is obviously hoping your child can provide hers with some company/normality but she needs to challenge the anxiety and get her child out of the house.

I agree with other pp's, say you can agree to a weekly playdate but no more.

I'm not convinced her son has anxiety, I think she does.

It's definitely OK to say no. You shouldn't attach guilt to it. I had a 'mum friend' like this and before I knew it I was picking up her kids from school/clubs etc. I just started saying no and it stopped. You don't owe her any explanation as to why you can't or don't want to make arrangements. No is totally sufficient.

Does your child enjoy these play dates with this child??? Your child will soon tell you if they do not. Ask your child if they want to go to the play date and see what they say. Do what your child wants.

Really! You would loan your five year old out for two hours once a week because your neighbour knocks on your door and won't take no for an answer?

I'd be wary if her son has issues that they'd rub off on your child, your son isn't there to be a crutch for her son, I wouldn't like this dynamic at all. I'd just invite them along to things (assuming you want them there) you are doing anyway and knock the playdates in their flat on the head. "Sorry we are too busy to do weekday playdates, but we are going to the park on x day and you are welcome to come along". I'd just repeat this, if her child has issues she should be encouraging him to leave the house.

If you want to stop the arrangement completely just be honest, it doesn't work for you and your busy lives.

Tell her to get her child to join some home ed local groups, or to go online & find a local home ed Facebook group & post there looking for local kids who might want to meet up in the same age group or with the same interests.

A lot of the groups are started by parents who have kids who aren't always good at going out, so they start a group they can hold at home - she could try that.

My local group has things like an online Minecraft game only local EHE kids can join & they chat while on it, so if her child won't leave the house they can make friends via online groups.

I feel sorry for her child, but it's not your childs job to be their friend on their terms.

That’s so rude. And entitled. I would be saying a flat no from now on, she’s trying to take advantage.

I think it's probably her with mental health//social anxiety- could explain why she's hounding you, choosing to homeschool her son so she doesn't have to do school drops and why her son seems to have no other friends. Seems a sad situation for the boy and if it is him with the anxiety she needs to get him help, it's quite unusual for a boy of 6 to be having such extreme anxiety that he can't even play outside the house.