My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

This is good.

As a 'situation' avoider - I like this! 😄

I picture OP getting to the 48 hour mark at least before neighbour starts getting the message ...

I agree with this. Setting up a weekly playdate would become an obligation. Honestly I'd just tell her she's being pushy and you're not up for this level of commitment (you can word it kindly, but it needs to be clear).

I'm guessing her son is neuro diverse and maybe she is too so doesn't necessarily get social cues easily. Speaking as someone with an autistic + ADD child who is mostly at home due to anxiety. Maybe being clear with her will work best, as others have suggested, setting a boundary and making a regular arrangement.

I would have a conversation.

be a bit blunt about busyness and the difference in your life styles.
Then suggest once a week.

what does your dc want?

tbh I would go with what a lot off pp say: text back that unfortunately you have other plans.

possibly (if your dc wants) invite neighbour to come to you to play.

I would definitely avoid a regular weekly arrangement. There will be times when you have other things you'd rather do and if her son has such extreme anxiety, will find it hard to accept flexibility.
Things could get very unreasonable if she expects a regular commitment from your five year old.
Does he like going btw? He might he fine for a bit, but then get bored or change his mind. Awkward if you're neighbours

Her son is 5 or 6 too? It's not him that can't leave the house due to anxiety. Or at least if it is, she is in need of professional help to develop a graded exposure plan.

I agree with pp - it is not your sole responsibility to provide an outlet for her child.

Can you move house?

Only kidding obviously but this would do my head in.

Is it standard texts or is it through something like whatsapp where you can mute her chats? If so I would mute her chats and give yourself a breather from her when youre at things like football.

Dont be afraid to say no, even if its purely to have some time in the house winding down. Just stick with 'cant come over as doesnt suit right now.'

Put the texts on mute.

Only reply when you have time.

Then reply "hey, we are free Tuesday 5-6pm if that works for you?".

She can text all day long if she chooses but you have no obligation to reply if you're busy. And you only have to address the bits relevant to you. So if she offers help with stuff don't respond to that in texts.

When you agree a play date if she continues to text reply "we are busy - looking forward to Tuesday".

Come on op, stand your ground! Either continue to ignore, or say no, or a combination, and stick to it. You only feel pressured if you allow yourself to. You have busy lives, it’s not responsibility to amuse her son.

Hi everyone,

I have tried ignoring texts but she knocks on my door.

I have tried to say we're busy etc but she does not take no for an answer! But I do know 'no' is an answer. I just find it really difficult to say.

My DS does enjoy playing with the neighbours son. They play Lego and cars. But my DS likes to be out on his bike and scooter alot too. I take him to skateparks alot on weekends.

The neighbours son is 18 months older than my son.

Thanks so much for the advice. I just hate confrontation. I'm quite introverted and don't want to upset anyone.

People can be so selfishly entrenched in their own issues that they forget that other people have lives…do not feel compelled to reply every time. You don’t have to make a ‘regular arrangement’. You and your son don’t owe this family anything.

If your DS wants to play at a time they’ve offered - then that is fine, but remember that their issues are not your responsibility. You sound like you’ve got enough going on.

Don’t feel guilty. Be polite but keep your boundaries for the sake of your own son’s well-being, if not your own.

Stop answering the texts and focus on what is best for your child. You have obviously tried lots of sensible suggestions, but the neighbour's DC is not your responsibility. If the neighbour does not accept one after school visit per week I would cease contact altogether as it sounds as though it is dominating your life.

I'd type 'Sorry no' in reply and then block her for a day or three.

She's actually bullying and harassing you. I'd tell her to leave you alone or you'll have to block her completely.

You are being kind and she's exploiting it.

I think you need to confront her for sure and tell her it's just too much at the moment with all the texts. I appreciate you don't want to upset her but boundaries need to be put in place.

Next time she knocks you need to spell it out to her. Otherwise this just won't end.

Your child isn't a toy for her child to play with, and it's your job to protect your five year old from a manipulative, borderline stalky adult.

I'd probably tell her that the constant texting is overwhelming and that I'm going to mute her for my own peace.

You are not heartless at all.
Plus there needs to be some reciprocal visiting by the child.
It can’t all be your son going to them.
Have a selection of phases to use. And it’s ok to ignore the texts - you can mute her many?

Say he has activities to do after school and also needs time to himself on other days to relax, and you usually do family stuff at weekends. Maybe suggest you all go out together for a trip to a local park one day in the Easter break. Try not to get into the regular play date routine, it will be hard to break, you and your child are not there to sort out her and her child’s social problems, no matter how sympathetic you feel, and a day out somewhere would be better for her poor child too.

I have tried to say we're busy etc but she does not take no for an answer! But I do know 'no' is an answer. I just find it really difficult to say.

Bloody hell, this is putting a whole different angle on the problem! She's going to have to take no for an answer.

You need to be really assertive with her, just keep repeating no.

You say you don’t want to upset her but she’s upsetting you!
Be firm. It’s not your sons job to be a sole companion for her son.

It sounds like her home learning arrangement isn't working out for her son, although perhaps it's really her pushing for contact rather than him. He needs socialisation though. If it is as it sounds and they're cooped up just the 2 of them 24/7, I really don't think she's helping him.

Sorry - run through the list you have here and reiterate that there's very little time left over. Don't answer texts staightaway, then start not answering at all.

I appreciate how you feel about being rude etc.

Ignoring texts is an option though. If she comes and knock, don't open the door - you can always say you didn't hear, or you were under the shower, or whatever excuse if you need one.

If you open the door you need to be ready to say no. If you're not, then don't open it.

As for the texts - ignore everything unless you're genuinely happy to do whatever it is she suggests.

It's the only way to gain back some agency over your own life !

Or you could also have a talk with her but I imagine it will be extremely uncomfortable for both of you. And there's no garantee she'll take it onboard.

You can't control her actions but you can control your own.