Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

238 replies

Bigcaz40 · 26/03/2023 18:25

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 26/03/2023 21:53

Just ignore don't get into the texting thing.

If you see her face to face then tell her. Stop texting.

Fuckityfuckfuck123 · 26/03/2023 21:54

Your neighbour needs to get involved with other Home ED parents, she could maybe see if she can arrange social activities for her son through that, with other children of his own age who need as much socialisation as he does.
Your child has a very packed schedule and needs his down time.

18 months is also quite an age gap if he is your neighbours sons only friend.

I'm sorry OP. It sounds tough, but I think like others have suggested, you need to be quite firm with your own boundaries. This mum seems to be using your son as her child's only socialisation with similarly aged kids, it's a lot of pressure and you don't need to accept it

LoveQuinnOhDearyMe · 26/03/2023 21:55

I would also be quite concerned of her child’s routine if she thinks it’s a good idea for a 5 year old to come and play at half 7 on a weekday night. My niece is 6 and she’s collapsed by then.

Viviennemary · 26/03/2023 21:57

The easiest way is to schedule one day a week for the playdate. A designate day if you can manage it. If she is concerned about her son being lonely she should stop the home schooling. She cant expect your DS to be some sort of therapy for her child.

PuzzledObserver · 26/03/2023 21:59

I have tried ignoring texts but she knocks on my door.

How rude of her!

I have tried to say we're busy etc but she does not take no for an answer! But I do know 'no' is an answer. I just find it really difficult to say.

You’ll need to get over that. I mean, what is she going to do - physically drag your child over to her place?

Say no. Don’t apologise, just say it’s not convenient. As others have said - she is harassing you.

JudgeJ · 26/03/2023 21:59

Bigcaz40 · 26/03/2023 18:25

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

If the child is kept indoors all the time it's hardly surprising that she has 'anxiety', not the responsibility of yours to make up for the parental shortcomings.

BeardieWeirdie · 26/03/2023 22:01

If the poor child was in school where he bloody well ought to be, he’d have all the socialising opportunities he needs. It’s appalling that this woman is neglecting him like this.

Twatalert · 26/03/2023 22:03

LuluBlakey1 · 26/03/2023 21:11

Why don't you just be honest with her. Text her back saying,

'I need to be honest with you. I did not realise when you first asked if DS would like to play with your DS that you would expect such a lot of contact and so much of our time. We can not do what you want- DS is at school all day, has extra- activities after school some nights, has other friends he likes to see and we have family we also see. He likes to be out with his bike and we go to the park and beach at weekends. Ontop of that he needs time at home and to be bathed, sorted out for school next day and settled for bed by 8pm. I am feeling quite overwhelmed by the amount of times you are contacting me- it's making me feel pressured and anxious. I am happy for the boys to play together occasionally but can't commit to anything regular. Perhaps they could meet up one afternoon during the school holidays after Easter weekend? Let me know if that suits you .'

Way too much explanation. It's not needed and comes across as weak.

Dibbydoos · 26/03/2023 22:03

Forward plan with her, consult yoyr DS about this. If there are specific days that work and kids get in what's the problem?

ButterCrackers · 26/03/2023 22:04

It sounds like she wants a break from looking after her child and gets this time off when your son goes round. I’d suggest she get a babysitter to give her time off from childcare. I also be contacting social services to ask who to talk to about your concerns. Her child needs medical help.

HamBone · 26/03/2023 22:05

I have tried ignoring texts but she knocks on my door

OK, the situation is out of hand if she’s doing this. One of my friends had something similar with a woman who lived opposite to her. She just wouldn’t take hints and started turning up on the doorstep every day with her son…as she lived opposite, she could literally see when my friend arrived home. ☹️

My friend felt awful, but felt she had no choice but to block her completely and stop answering the door. The woman got the hint eventually and left her alone.

Don’t downplay this though, it’s harassment at this point.

Mumoftwosweetboys · 26/03/2023 22:05

YANBU. Don't respond to the messages unless you're free and DS wants to play. She just needs to accept you're busy with your own stuff. No need to justify yourself.

MissMarplesbag · 26/03/2023 22:06

Is there any way of reporting them for a welfare check, there must be someone you can contact for advice. Send the mum details of the local home Ed group and ask her to contact them.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/03/2023 22:06

Dibbydoos · 26/03/2023 22:03

Forward plan with her, consult yoyr DS about this. If there are specific days that work and kids get in what's the problem?

The problem is that the mother is unhinged and pretty much stalking the OP and her son.

I wouldn’t want my kid going to play in an environment where people were literally monitoring my every move. Unbelievably stifling and it’s no wonder the kid has anxiety.

78Summer · 26/03/2023 22:07

You need to state your boundaries kindly. I had similar with a neighbour who wanted to hang out with me the whole time and was relentlessly texting.
You can say ‘thanks for the invitation but we have plans over the coming weeks; I will let you you if that changes.’ If she messages again you ignore.
You are not responsible for her son’s happiness. She is coming to you because you have been responding. If you stop she will look for alternates.

Mumoftwosweetboys · 26/03/2023 22:08

Mumoftwosweetboys · 26/03/2023 22:05

YANBU. Don't respond to the messages unless you're free and DS wants to play. She just needs to accept you're busy with your own stuff. No need to justify yourself.

Sorry just read that she then knocks on your door. This is not normal behaviour. I think you need to stand your ground and politely say you're busy and close the door. If she keeps doing it then tell her you feel uncomfortable with this level of pressure.

EezyOozy · 26/03/2023 22:09

once a week is way too much.

id say “we are really busy but would be free on X date” (and make X date 2-3 weeks away). Hopefully she will agree to that date, Then mute her until the day before the play date.

dottypotter · 26/03/2023 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HamBone · 26/03/2023 22:12

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/03/2023 22:06

The problem is that the mother is unhinged and pretty much stalking the OP and her son.

I wouldn’t want my kid going to play in an environment where people were literally monitoring my every move. Unbelievably stifling and it’s no wonder the kid has anxiety.

Show quote history

Exactly, @Thepeopleversuswork, it’s a form of stalking and really quite scary. That’s why my friend had to completely cut off the person who did it to her, she was literally being watched. 😱

MiddleOfHere · 26/03/2023 22:15

As other PPS have said, you don't need to plug the social gap for you neighbour's ds and your ds certainly doesn't.

The situation does not sound healthy for either child - it all sounds very intense.

Just because she is home-educating her son, it doesn't mean she doesn't have socialisation options.
Every town/city/county has a Home Ed network, usually on Facebook, Google groups and more recently on other platforms such as Discord.
You neighbour needs to make other connections to avoid being ridiculously reliant on your ds.
(I mention this only so that you know that you are not her only option.... she could invite other hone ed children and families around to her house, it obviously requires than just texting you but such is life.)

Don't feel "cruel or horrible" for not replying to every text and for limiting play dates to suit your son and your family.

HamBone · 26/03/2023 22:23

@dottypotter I might be sceptical of this story if something similar hadn’t happened to my friend.

Northernparent68 · 26/03/2023 22:30

If you suggest her son joins the football he might make friends himself.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/03/2023 22:31

I think it's time to be blunt She's harassing you
Don't commit to a weekly play date( imagine if your DS was unwell or something!)
Next time she texts, just say this is way too much pressure on your son, and would she kindly refrain from knocking as it's disturbing you and DS
Don't apologise, or give excuses
Your DS is not a social crutch for hers.

CheshireCat1 · 26/03/2023 22:32

Sounds as though it’s the Mum that has anxiety.

Mamamia32 · 26/03/2023 22:55

Instead of turning my back on this child and refusing future playdates, I really would call social services and/or try to keep an eye on him. I've never heard of a child so young that won't go out because of anxiety. Something doesn't sit right.