My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

This has happened to me several times. I now avoid encouraging friendships with neighbourhood kids. The parents are too intense

I would say something like - Sorry we are busy at the moment. I will text you later in the week if we have any availability.

And repeat …

My goodness...A much older child wanting to play with your son?

That's a massive age difference at 5!

The woman sounds like she's fostering this 'Neurosis'..She should be encouraging him to get out and about , his loneliness and isolation will progress unless he {Or rather his mother!} gets professional help.

Just say he's really tired with school and his hobbies which makes socialising outside of these activities difficult as he enjoys his alone time too

Just say that you will let her know if he feels " up to it" one day.

This is her dc's problem, not yours! Can you suggest - very, very kindly! - that they need to persuade him/her to go out a bit more? Offer to meet them at the swings occasionally, perhaps?

I'd say to her, your ds will knock for her ds if he wants to play. Then block her number

No wonder her wee one is anxious if his mum is like that.

You don't have to confront just be assertive. 'I have already said no thank you, now please stop asking'.

If she gets huffy then great, no further contact required.

you really do need to say no to the demands, they sound unreasonable. Remember you are saying NO for your child’s benefit as much as for yours, he is too little to be used as a convenient friend to compensate for the other boys lack of friends , which sounds entirely like a situation of his parents making.

Your neighbour would be better to spend her time helping her dc to reduce their anxiety instead of pestering you...

Also very much agree with taking a little more time to reply. When you do I would say - X would love to see Y. We are next free on Thursday - or whatever day works, a day or two hence. Never explain, never apologise.

Its hard to get the full picture through words on a screen but it does sound very intense and I personally wouldn't be okay letting my child go to someone's house that regularly and on their own at their age with someone who seems a bit unhinged at best and a bit of a bully at worst.

PS - if you feel very uncomfortable with the word "no" you can also use "actually we're busy" (no need to give further details), or "we're not available on tuesday", or "we won't be able to".

But if she is as pushy as you describe you may have no choice but to say "no".

You do not have to have unlimited understanding for someone's anxiety. Work on your boundaries so you don't feel bad for too long when saying no or not responding to text. The anxiety is their thing to deal with. I don't know if they work on it or not and it doesn't really matter. You can't build your life and emotions around someone's extreme anxiety.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues.
Who's anxiety?

I got this crap from my child's school friends mum! I stood my ground and said no and mums stopped asking for now. Explain to her that you as a family are too busy and it's difficult to fit everything in and you will contact her when he is free to play. If she doesn't like it then stop replying to her texts she should get the hint.

Are there 6/7 year olds that anxious that they can never leave the house? Does anyone really know or have children like this and do nothing to get them out of the house?

Even with some sort of neurodiversity this can't be right can it? That would need some serious intervention surely.

I can't understand this at all, and it's not your responsibility. Very sad for this kid. I hope they get some help.

Sounds like the mum has issues, not the child

You could try telling her that if her child is lonely maybe he should go back up school. Might piss her off enough that she stops stalking texting you!

Seriously though, you can't go through life avoiding all difficult conversations - you are going to have to tell her that she can't text you everyday expecting your child to play with hers! Much as they get along, your son has a busy life and doesn't have time for any other activities right now and she needs to stop texting everyday.
If she carries on you need to block her.

Just reply

" No, Jim wants to play outside. "
"No, Jim wants to play football"
No, Jim wants to work on his schoolproject"

"No, I already said No."

Sometimes when people push too much you have to be rude, and that’s not your fault, it’s them driving that reaction from you. So don’t feel guilty about feeling annoyed with her.

Have you said clearly to her how you feel? Eg ‘I’m finding this too intense, we’re happy to arrange a play date once a week/fortnight/month [whatever you’re truly happy with] but please stop contacting me daily’.

You have to ask for what you need for people to be able to give it to you, and unfortunately some people need a proper telling.

Yes, remember you aren't the one being rude - she's pushed and pushed until there's no option than for you to be blunt!

Stand your ground OP, this is bordering on harassment.

Poor child. I wonder how much his anxiety is exacerbated by her behavior and obvious issues.
However, it's not your five-year-old's problem to fix, so there's no way around it but standing your ground.

I’d reply and say sure DS would love to do a playdate and will be very excited to see her DS but that he’s busy with school, activities and playdates with other friends so your first free night is Xth of April (giving a date in approx 3 weeks time). That way you’ve set your boundaries and there can be no constant pestering.

If you like the child and your child would actually like a play date (just on your terms which is completely normal) then you say ‘sorry we can do next Wednesday but no other day will work for us as we are busy’ and then you only respond to messages about that Wednesday. I rarely text people back as I genuinely forget and so I couldnt be doing with someone messaging me all the time. You need to break this habit she’s getting into now. Good luck op!