My neighbour keeps texting me every day to ask if my DS wants to play with her DS who is homeschooled and never leaves the house due to anxiety. I want to be kind, but I'm feeling very pressured.

[Bigcaz40]

The situation is becoming overwhelming. I am trying to be kind and not lose it. I am a single mum and I feel as though the neighbour is taking advantage of me. She is becoming intrusive with daily texts and invites for my DS to go play at their house with their DS.

Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues. I feel sorry for the childs situation, however it is becoming expected that my DS is available every day to play at their house after school.

At first it was nice to have an invite. Then it became overwhelming very quickly as it became daily and the neighbour would become passive aggressive with me when I said my DS was too busy.

I am bombarded with multiple texts most days asking if my DS can play after school, if I need help with this, if I need help with that, just all sorts of stuff. If I explain we are busy, don't need help etc, she expects and explanation as to what we are doing.

My DS has football and guitar after school 2 nights a week and we need to catch up on family time, home work, and prepping for school the next day i.e bath, relax, bag ready. He also has other play dates on the weekends etc.

We live in the same block of flats as the neighbour and I feel as though they are watching us coming and going. They text as soon as we get in from school. They even ask my DS to go up to play after hobbies when we dont get home until near 7.30. My DS is 5, nearly 6. He needs to be in bed 8.30 ish at latest or would never get up for school.

I really do not mind a playdate once a week or so but any more is too much with everything else we have on. I have also invited their child to our flat to play but he will not come due to his anxiety.

My DS was at football last Sat and she text 4 times asking if he could go up to play afterwards. We had shopping to do and were at my dad's for dinner after shopping. But still they kept texting, asking, becoming slightly Manipulative i.e 'my son is missing your son'. This makes me feel heartless.

I have offered them to come with us to parks, the beach etc but they always say no, and I understand due to the anxiety, however the offer is there.

I don't want to seem cruel or horrible but I have started ignoring the text messages as it is becoming too much for me to deal with every day. Help!

AIBU? AITA? Thanks!

but she does not take no for an answer!

In what way? If you’ve said no, you’ve said no. How exactly does she go about not taking it for an answer?

I just hate confrontation.

You're going to have to get over that. There is no effective advice we can give you that will not entail establishing clear boundaries and sticking to them.

She should be taking her child out and about . Anxiety or not , it's no good staying in a flat all day .
She is probably thinking if he has a playdate with your kid then that covers the social side . But obviously he needs a lot more help day to day . Or she does .

Just text back. Sorry but Oliver is tired after school and we want to spend time 1-2-1 together as a family. We can meet up occasionally but I’m daily is too much. That ok?

if she comes back with any thing like her son will be sad etc

i would be more forceful and say sorry but James isn’t a toy and it’s not good for him to only play with Oliver at his house - that’s not mutual and neither is James responsible for Oliver feeling lonely etc he is a child not therapy for your son.
you are welcome to join us at the park on Saturday but James has other friends and also need family time.

I can see this could be difficult. Luckily she's texting so you do get a moment to consider your response.
I think the first thing you need to do is establish a new norm with your texts. You do not need to give her a reason, so when she text
CF, Hi BC, can son come over tonight.
BC - no not tonight. I'll let you know when he wants to another time
CF- oh, is his busy I thought guitar was weds
BC - we've plans for tonight. I've got your number so I'll let you know
CF- oh what about Thursday
BC - not committing atm.'ll let you know....
CF- so maybe Thursday, if not Friday.then?
BC - not committing atm but I'll let you know..

Just keep repeating. No I can't commit, and I'm she asks what you're doing you have plans, if she then asks specifically don't think what can I make up, just repeat...I'll let you know.

If you don’t mind once a week why don’t you set up a regular play date every Tuesday (for example)?

I'd say something like 'we're busy at the moment but I'll get back to you next week and we can arrange a date'.
Then either ignore further replies or just keep repeating 'I'll get back to you next week'.

Just say no.

when she says no - just reiterate no and if she says it again - shut and lock the door

Or don’t answer the door at all and just text
we are busy please let us get back to you

Be direct.
Tell her your child is busy with school and extra curricular, you feel for her situation but you feel a little pressured .
Then send her three or four links to local support groups , home Ed groups, support groups for children with anxiety. Then only send breezy replies to any further communications… if sending anything at all.

She's too full on, too intrusive, and needs to be told to back off. Friendships should not be forced and her son's social life is not your priority. Your priority is your own son's needs. He has enough on already with school, extra curricular activities, homework and time with his own family (you).

Rehearse your replies. Pick one or two for texts and stick to them. Rehearse a short clear response for when she knocks on the door. Practice saying it - to your plants, to your washing machine, to your front door, to passing neighbours (not so they can hear!) until you don't think about it at all and the words just tumble out.

This is not healthy behaviour from her. You see that right?

Sorry if it was me I’d withdraw my DS from this situation completely. At least for several weeks.

Aah, I feel really sorry for the child, but you're going to have to nip this in the bud. And that may include being brutally honest!

Hi neighbour. I owe it to you to be honest with you, and please know that the last thing I'd want to do is cause upset or offence. I am really starting to feel pressured by the weight of your expectation and the volume of your messages. X (your child) has a lot on outside of school and it's hard to keep up with everything and everyone as it is! Why don't we organise a play date for the Easter holiday, when things are a bit more relaxed. Bye for now.

I would definitely not commit to a weekly play date or you'll be tied to it forever! If you don't want to completely block her i would just mute her so you don't get stressed by endless messages and just reply when you want to if you want to! Its hard if she is knocking on your door & i would personally hate that & being watched coming & going & I think you need to find a way to step back as this all sounds far too intense.

I honestly would say exactly this. Anything wishy washy or unclear is not going to make this stop so you need to say exactly what you feel - it’s too much pressure and it’s far too often - in the kindest way that you can.

It does feel like she's using you and your son to try to meet her son's socialisation needs. It isn't your responsibility. And if she was passive aggressive towards me, that certainly wouldn't win her any favours.

What @Bigcaz40 wrote: "Their child is home schooled, does not have other friends visit regularly and does not go out often due to anxiety issues."

How I translate this: "Their child most likely has special needs and the parent is too lazy to fight to get any support, hence why the child is at home and not being supported at school."

Could you just reply with a' no thanks not today but how about x day?' And then it's been arranged and there is no need for her to keep texting?

Please don't set a regular weekly playdate. Imagine your son couldn't make it, for whatever reason? There would be a meltdown.
Your wish to be kind is admirable but the neighbour's son's problems are not yours to fix. I think I'd be honest with her and ask her to back off a bit (or a lot).

I’d worry about the pressure she’s putting on your DS during these play dates too, I’m assuming you aren’t present?

Definitely get some stock replies and I’d actually only say no/ tex back once a day max and ignore her if she’s bombards you.

I would genuinely call social services.

I'm afraid I'd also be reluctant to set up a weekly playdate. Decide on a couple of delaying but positive responses and stick to them - something like 'would love to get together after Easter, are you free for an Easter Egg hunt on Monday 10th at ours?' Then only ever respond 'looking forward to the 10th if you can still make it'. If she can't, decide on something else about ten days after that. So be friendly but make it very clear you are not an exclusive social service.

I wouldn't send any links about socialising her child, that is NOT your job. Tbh I would seriously consider reporting the child's situation to SS as it sounds as if she desperately needs more support. Stay in her life but on your terms.

I've spent half of my MN life wondering why so many Mners have a front door they refuse to open.

But I'm actually going to suggest to don't open your door when she calls

Thanks so much for the advice. I just hate confrontation. I'm quite introverted and don't want to upset anyone

Your neighbour is bullying you, not accepting your normal, healthy boundaries and not respecting your NO. SHE is the one causing upset here, not you- you should be angry and upset with her, not yourself.

If she gets upset then thats all on her- I am always polite to people but if they wont stop pushing then they get short shrift and if they get upset about it then so what?- its their own fault for pushing and pushing and pushing in the first place. You are going to have to take a stand here no matter how internally uncomfortable it is otherwise this wont stop. Read the book "too nice" by Aziz Gazipura, its a great book dealing with this exact situation.

You dont have to set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm.

Just stick to your guns "no thanks but x day works for us." Id also consider ringing social services a 6 year old shouldn't be agoraphobic.