Partner doesn't help with baby

[BabyGirlMama22]

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much...

So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV.

Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that!

If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

This infuriates me and I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this completely shit behaviour. It’s not acceptable and you need to be very clear with him that you will not tolerate it. Him asking you if you mean he’s being a bad dad is manipulative and toxic. He’s making you feel like you’re being the bad guy for calling him a bad dad which is in turn allowing him to get away with it. The reality is that he’s being a completely shit dad and should be held to account for it. The other thing to consider is that if you don’t nip this in the bud straight away, you’re setting yourself up for a pretty rocky relationship - is that what you want your child to grow up with? Do it for her if you won’t do it for you. Sending love x

'are you calling me a bad dad'

"Why, yes! Yes, I am. Because you are."

I'd get him to bath her and take her out once a week so they bond. Also feeding her is a shared thing. Be specific with what you want or need him to do. Sounds like he needs to bond.

Going to work and saying he only has 1 day off must feel like a real slap in the face to you im sorry your having such a hard time atm . Tell him you dont get a day off from parenting its a full time job , no days off or holidays from it so that pathetic attempt at an excuse dosent sit. If he dosent listen consider chucking his silly game in the bin . The fact he dosent acknowledge your struggling and hes making you feel bad for asking for his help is shocking. Perhaps spending some time at your mums would be good for you ?

He sounds like he's about 16....is he?

Had same thoughts

Guess not such an easy solution if he is bringing in the money though

Sorry, he's being a complete ass. You don't get to decide if you want to parent or not. You ARE a parent already and you look after your child. Tell him you're going out, or having a long bath (tell, not ask) and he needs to look after his child. And start to do this more frequently and make it normal (which it should be). He doesn't get to say no. If he tries, shut him down and remind him he's a dad.

Must say that I m wondering about the addiction to computer games going on here. It does sound like some kind of MH thing going on. Not that it makes things OK. I would try suggesting he gets an appointment with Dr though. Especially if he wasn’t this way beforehand. At least it might jolt him into some awareness that he’s behaving strangely. Which he is.

Oh OP, I've been there done that am now single parenting. The first year of motherhood was quite hellish. My partner opted out and I was so lonely and vulnerable, desperately trying to coax them back in. I now think I should have jumped on it quick, drew the line in the sand. Maybe dp would have shaped up, maybe not - but at least I could have then moved on more quickly, not spent years wheeling and reassuring and nagging and begging.

Leave him

I came here to say this!
he’s basically a lodger at this point… get angry, tell him in no uncertain terms that you didn’t sign up for this nonsense and if he’s going to keep on being unavailable to you and DD then you might as well be a single parent - it’ll be a lot less of a mental load than dealing with a six month old and a man-baby

I’ve done both- sahm with one and worked after 2nd baby. Hands down work was easier- I went to work for a rest! He needs a reality check x

you should be straight up and say "yes you are being a bad dad"

This thread was started three days ago and OP hasn't replied once.

This really pisses me off!!
Tell him ‘he gets a day off and time to relax etc… when is your day off??
what is the actual point in being with him OP?? My ex was like this, never did anything with DD and I’m telling you now if he’s not doing it now he never will!! My ex left last year and timed it right at the start of school holidays so he didn’t have to do anything!…. In fact before he left we did a final day out at a theme park (his idea) and he still moaned!!
life is easier without him because I can please myself without doing his washing, cooking etc…
he ended up just causing me more wok and resentment .

OP?? Hello? Are you there?

He’s a bad dad and a bad husband…. Get rid, you’re a single parent already

You deserve better. Your DD deserves better. I’d be seriously asking yourself what you get from this relationship, if anything and what kind of role model you want for your DD in the future. If he doesn’t step up, he needs to step out. You deserve better!

I’m wondering if your partner is addicted to computer games, it can be just as much an addiction as drugs or alcohol. Could you talk to him about this and encourage him to get some help with this?

Sorry to hear this. I had exactly the same situation with my Ex. As hard as it was to admit it he just wasn't really interested in our baby and behaved as if it wasn't there most of the time. Even when he did interact it always seemed to be a drag. If this is how he behaved when you had a new baby then things are not going to improve - otherwise- he would have showed some interest in the beginning. The fact you are asking on here is just another sign that deep down you know he does not care. Please do not have another one with this selfish man child.

I'm so sorry your partner is behaving in this very selfish and immature way. It must be really depressing for you.

As others have said, if he says "Are you saying I'm a bad dad", say yes - in what way are you a good dad, or a good partner for that matter.

Yes not much more to say in response.

STBXH hoping to soon be SWI 😅

YANBU at all. Every queen deserves a king who understands when her crown gets heavy

I would seriously question your future with him and yes as previous posters have said, sort out your contraception if you haven’t already so that you can make decisions with a clear head. What is he bringing to your life, he sounds selfish, immature and a sadsack.