Partner doesn't help with baby

[BabyGirlMama22]

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much...

So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV.

Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that!

If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

So he has absolutely no interest in being a parent, and no intention of taking any responsibility for the family he has created.

Have you asked him what he thought being a parent would entail?

What does he think his role is?

Did he want to have a child?

Males obviously cannot be natal, and therefore cannot get post natal depression. Depressed about having a kid? Sure. But he doesn’t have anything to do with the child, or seem desperate to stop being deadbeat scum.
OP not been back?

I had a partner like this. After baby number two, who was planned, as was first ( and later third) he spent his days in spare room and then sat in living room later in watching tv and falling asleep in the sofa.

eventually he started self medicating to be able to “deal with the kids” and we have been divorced now for well over 10 years.

Couldn’t agree more.. I posted the same response although not aswell written.

Thanks, Captain Hindsight.

My husband was great with my first did loads
But my second he said he can't remember what to do with a new born and he preferred to look after our toddler
Which is very different to your situation I know
But it got to the stage where he wouldn't even hold out new born and I started to get worried he wouldn't have a bond with her and she wouldn't with him
I tried saying the things people are suggesting but it didn't work that great
So eventually I would just walk up to him
Hand him the baby and said hold her I've got to go do x,y,z
And just walk off abandoning him with the baby haha that definitely worked
And now they're obsessed with each other and it's hard to get both my kids off him

I was going to suggest that maybe he was nervous about taking care of a little baby and new borns can be boring they just sleep and eat and poo
But your baby is 6 months now this is when it gets exciting and more fun to care for him/her
He has no excuse
You gotta go through the list and try different things
Start with a polite conversation
If that doesn't work
Get angry
If that doesn't work
Cry
If that doesn't work hand him the baby and said "I'm going for a shower" or whatever and walk off
If that doesn't work then he really doesn't care about that little baby as sad as it is to say and you need to think about other options

He is carrying on like a teenage son not a partner. Yes he is a shit dad

He is not a bad dad because he is not even a dad.

He is a paying lodger. That is all. Your poor daughter.

YANBU

Your job isn't 24/7 while his is office hours and then hiding.

You'd be better off without him long term if he doesn't alter his behaviour.

So basically he’s not bonded with his baby.

So the question is did he not want a baby, or is he suffering a paternal post natal depression? You need to get the root cause of his behaviour and deal appropriately. If it’s the former then your relationship is over and if it’s the latter he needs some help too

@Mrs13 I find the lynch Mob completely unnecessary, my partner had PPD when our child was born. It was frustrating at the time because he wouldn't admit anything was wrong until he couldn't take anymore and it all came out. We're expecting our 2nd child together now. He prefers the toddler stage when they can do more than just cry and poop. He found the whole newborn and baby stage very daunting and would often shut him self away.

Those saying 'PPD mothers still look after their babies' how do they know? Because they did it themselves or do they personally know every single mother who struggled with PPD? Because not every mother has looked after their child whilst in the midst of PPD.

It always shocks me how many women don't give a shit about their partners (or any man's mental health for that matter) and flame them constantly for 'not being up to standard' is it any wonder why male suicide is at an all time high when the women who are supposed to support them and help them are making them feel worthless and not recognising the signs of mental health?

He’s neither a partner nor a dad, he doesn’t deserve either title. The question is what are you going to do about it? Is it fixable or did you know he was crap before having the baby? Being kind perhaps he’s struggling to adapt and with some strong conversations he will step up. I’m guessing though that he’s always been a selfish twat and you’ll either enable that or leave. Only you can decide what you think you are your daughter are worth.

Agreed. Total victim blaming.

You reap what you sow. My son has a fantastic bond with his daughter but then, he appears to do most of the caring for her, initially night feeds, bathing and bathing and putting her to bed. He gets up with her in the mornings, dresses her and takes her to nursery or child minder. His day to day life revolves around making her happy. Her mother wonders why daughter plays her up or calls for her daddy when she is upset or wants attention. Parenting is a joint venture. To get the most out of it you need to work as a team, share responsibilities and chores. The rewards come later when you have a happy, well adjusted child who knows they can rely on both parents.

I really feel for you op. Your partner is lazy and missing out on so much. Unless things change, I can’t see happy times ahead.

He might have MH issues, or again, he might not. I am not personally a MH practitioner so find it hard to differentiate between someone who is a lazy dead beat dad who manages to hold down a job but refuses to support their partner with their child, and someone suffering from depression.

It's not victim blaming when there's no crime being committed. OP is not a victim of anything here. She has a shit partner.

@viques lots of people (men and women) can work whilst being clinically depressed and struggling. The ability to hold down a job doesn't equate to how severe someone's mental health is.

He’s either 18 or a completely immature twat! Honestly I would be leaving.

Even if he's 18 he still has a child.

Very true and many 18 year olds are responsible dads, I’m just trying to see a reason why a man who has fathered a child would act like this.

should he be helping out more?

Sorry, but "helping out" illustrates what is wrong with both your attitudes.
A father is not a "domestic "help" or his child's babysitter. Not some back-up standby who steps in on request because the mother is unwell or tired.

He has a primary relationship with his own child. Take baby upstairs, give it to its father and leave them together. That is how they build that bond. Yes, as you've seen he's scared and handless; but if you step back and don't get between them, he will learn how to Dad.

When out firstborn arrived, DH had never actually touched or held a baby in his life. He was utterly clueless, out of his depth, terrified of dropping it, doing it wrong. That was pretty scary for both of us because I'd never seen him in "fish out of water" mode before. Virgo perfectionist engineer could make or do anything .. except pick up and comfort a newborn, read the body language, communicate , stop it crying.

I was just as scared as he was, that he would do something clueless to the most precious baby in the world. Letting go was really hard for me. Letting him make beginner mistakes and learn on the job.

Let him practice and do it his way even if he's not much good at first. Other wise he might never learn to stop " helping " and start being a father.

He's not just a terrible Dad, he's a selfish tosser.

Do NOT have another baby with this man-baby.

I'd chuck him out and see if he even requests contact. It would be one less baby for you to have to look after... good luck.

I agree 100%.. My husband also changed for the first 6 months, he went to the doctors got on antidepressants and is an amazing Dad. we are trying for our second.

This is why my comment was - was he a good partner previous, is this behavior different to his normal? Is this their first? Etc

Men suffer to, but it’s very hard for them to set a foot wrong without the answer here seeming to be just leave them.

I know a lot of men feel like a spare part in the newborn stage especially if baby is breastfed and mother is the main comfort.. bonding isn’t natural for some people and support is needed

I don’t understand the ‘I did it so he should too’ mentality either, people deal with all kinds of mental health problems and life changes differently.

At least there are a couple of opinions here for OP to read that aren’t just kick him out..