Partner doesn't help with baby

[BabyGirlMama22]

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much...

So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV.

Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that!

If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

Why doesn't he want to have a relationship with his baby? My DH works extremely long hours but took over baby care as soon he walked in the door. Not because I needed his 'help', but because it was his baby and he missed him and wanted to squeeze in as much time with him as possible in the little time he had,

He is a bad dad and you should tell him that. When my two were little, I did most of the child rearing and household jobs but when my husband wasn't at work, we both pitched in and parented 50/50. That's what it should be.

My DH worked away 5.5 days a week when DD was newborn and did more than your OH does with her. Think about that.

OP, I hope you have a job and I seriously hope you wont have nay more kids with this loser

What struck me was the ‘only day off’ comment. Is he working 6 days a week? What are those shift patterns like? I’m not excusing him, support is a two way street in a relationship and he’s sounds like he could absolutely do loads more but we do need to help our partners, asses what is going on and work on things before we take further steps. Have a serious talk when the baby is at your mums and calmly discuss the situation, no blame but be clear about how you see his behaviour, it’s impact on you and then explore what you can do together to improve things. Good luck OP!

I’d be sending the game console to the dump.
Time for the 2 card deal, hubby either gets off his duff & participates in family life or he can go back home to his mummy.
Youve already got one baby to look after, you don’t need a 6 foot 200lb Baby who is acting like he has no responsibility beyond sperm donation.

you need to get angry & call him out on his Bullshit, if he doesn’t want to be a husband & father he can get out.

Could you talk to your mum about this and get her on side to tackle your partner. See if she’d agree to stir things up. I’d say that she could move in with you to help look after your baby. She will need to stay in the gaming room. Get a mattress and she can arrive and your partner can argue all he wants. As he does nothing you need help and your mum is there. He could get back from work to find your mum in the kitchen making her daughter and granddaughter a meal. His loser parenting style means no more gaming but more chatting with your mum as she holds his child. Invite his friends round to see that your mum had to move in as he can’t be bothered to parent.

You’re doing it all yourself right now……what does he bring to your life?? Or even your dd life. I think you’d be much better off on your own…..like I said, you’re doing it all anyway now and there would be far less resentment. This relationship will only head in one direction.

Computer game addictions ruin lives. For your next partner make sure he doesn’t have such a childish hobby. I class it at the same level as an alcohol, drug or gambling addiction.

@FortinaFortephillips what on earth are you going on about? Reporting you.

You trying to sell 'spell casting' or whatever bollocks is not going to help the OP.

Yes, he is a bad dad. My husband was doing at least one night feed when we had a baby and usually does bedtime each evening. We have no family help at all so when he is off he helps in the day as needed too and cooks a lot of our meals. I do all mornings and most days unless I’m unwell or need to be elsewhere and we both go out with friends as we want and the other parent does childcare. Your partner sounds fully checked out and I’d want to know why, but you’re not being unreasonable and you’re not expecting too much. Please please do get on contraception asap if not already.

Why are you saying "helping" it's not helping you, the baby is as much his as it is yours, he should just be parenting like you are. Was this an unplanned pregnancy? It doesn't sound like he wants to be a parent/live as a family, reads more like a teen coming in from school and going up to their room to play on their computer.

Even when I was on maternity leave my husband always did more than his share, he does all the cooking and always put our children to bed, he would sort the children and then carry on working into the evening as his job is so demanding. We decided to have children together, we are a team, he's not helping me, he's doing (more than) his share. This is how it should play out, don't put up with less.

What's your financial situation, have you got a good job when you return to work, do you own your own home? I'd be rethinking this relationship.

"If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad'"

Tell him yes, he is a bad dad. Because he is. He is an absent dad. He is no dad at all.

What does this man bring to your life? He seems to be as much of an absent partner as he is an absent dad. You need to talk with him. A serious talk. You need to discuss where you see your relationship going, both of you, because this is not sustainable.

And you need to make sure you're on contraception, you do NOT want to introduce another child into this situation.

I'm really sorry but he is being a bad dad. Has your baby even bonded with him? I've got a 6 month old and even though my OH works from 7-7 6 days a week he makes the effort where he can and this has been enough to give me just a tiny window to keep myself sane and enough for him to bond. I'm really sorry its probably not what you want to hear, maybe show him this thread? 😬😬😬

Exactly this. He should be doing 50% of the rest of the time or at least a reasonable balance if there is a reason you would want to do more, but the baseline should be 50%. If he isn't then yes, he is a bad dad.

I mean HE needs to get to the root cause of the problem doesn’t he? If he has a mental health condition or is worried about bonding HE needs to take action on that, seek help etc.

Obviously op can help IF that is even likely. But it is his responsibility to seek support for his needs so he can parent.

people can have all sorts of difficulties or needs. It doesn’t absolve them of responsibility though.

But the answers to these questions would give more information from which to advise the OP on what she might want to do.

He's checked out. Get your ducks in a row

Has he changed?

Was the baby planned and did you know each other, live together for a few years, before she came along?

Pre baby did you split all the household chores such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, organising weekly shop etc as equally shared workloads and he has suddenly changed now you are on maternity leave?

Pre baby did you spend most of your time together, enjoying each others company and he has changed and it is new he spends most of his time upstairs gaming?

Sorry yes he needs to get to the root of it. You are right

What I was meaning to convey (clumsily) is that the OP needs to find out what the actual issue is and then she can make a decision on where to go from there xx

If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad
So tell him the truth.

yes I am. You're disengaged and you never care for her. If I die tomorrow would you even know what she eats and her nap routine?

How incapable is he? If you announce "I'm off to the shops, dump baby in your partners upstairs playroom and leave fro 2 hours what will happen?

You are NOT being unreasonable. I thought this was normal ! I had DD1 in 2008 and DD2 in 2010. My EX did nothing, not a single nappy changed, not a single feed given when I say nothing I mean nothing. My Dad told me that was normal the Dad goes out to work, the mother does everything else. So I put my head down, got on with it with a smile on my face, despite being unhappy I was determined to give my children the best life I could. Fast forward to 2017 I had had enough, I had been telling him for a while, I wasn’t happy, he had to stand up and be a dad and I was ignored. The day we split up I put my foot down, I was working 40hrs a week, seeing to the kids, homework, reading journals, I’d come home from work and have to do housework, cooking, walk the dogs (sometimes he did this) and do the horses (sometimes he did this) I payed all the bills and the rent. I told him for the millionth time if he didn’t start pulling his weight I would leave him (I hadn’t said that before) he hit me and walked out. BEST thing I ever did. It is NOT normal, we are not still in the 50’s ! Talk to him, see what his reaction is, look is there a reason you’re not helping ? If there’s not a genuine reason ask him why is he not helping. If you’re not happy WALK AWAY. I left it till the girls were older and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. They remember more than you think, they pick up on more than you think. If you don’t value yourself your children are going to grow up thinking that that’s right, that’s ok, that’s normal !! It’s not it’s wrong. You are worth exactly the same as him in the relationship. Give him 1 chance, if nothing changes WALK AWAY. For your sanity and your children’s

I was in this exact same position 17 years ago. But with mine no amount of cajolling, demanding, reasoning worked. It took many years but eventually I came to accept that I couldn't change him and I had a choice; get on with it accepting the situation as it was or end the relationship. I didn't want to do that so I got on with it and changed my attitude. I now claim all credit for how amazingly my 3 children have turned out and feel grateful I got to spend all the time with them. I'm not saying it was easy but I did it. The way I looked at it was if I ended the relationship I'd still be a single mum but without being able to have input on how he interacted with the children, as they got older i could go out when i wanted and he could look after them, and he paid the bills while I got to have the fun bit. And he's grown to be a much better parent as the years went by

Being a stay-at-home parent to a pre-school aged child is a 24/7 job, that's 168 hours each week. Assuming that the employed partner works traditional days, they maybe work 37-40 hours a week. They can and should step up and share the say 120 hours extra hours that the stay-at-home parent is doing more than them. Obviously it's not really going to be that many because kids sleep and stuff, but that's the principle.