Page 3 | Partner doesn't help with baby

BabyGirlMama22 · 2023-03-25T23:22:23+00:00

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much... So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV. Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that! If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

N27 · 26/03/2023 10:00

My ex husband was exactly like this and I finally kicked him out when ds was 2, I honestly wish I’d done it at 2 months instead of 2 years as my life was 1000 x times better! Yes I was a single parent and still doing it all myself, but at least I knew where I stood and me and it was just me and ds through thick and thin. It’s an awful feeling to be struggling through something knowing that there’s a fully grown adult upstairs/at the pub/ on the toilet who SHOULD be helping but is actively choosing not to.

sit him down and give him some honest truths and an ultimatum. If he wants you to be a single parent then he might as well fuck off and leave you to get on with it yourself. If he wants to stick around then he pulls his weight from now on. End of conversation.

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 26/03/2023 10:02

A few weeks ago I arrived at a house to drop something off. I was later than planned due to traffic and got there just as the mum had started to get her three children ready for their baths. I wasn't intending to stop but the Dad arrived back from work at the same moment. His response was to say his wife needed a break so if I went in for a coffee he would herd the children upstairs and do baths while we chatted. This was after an hours commute each way and a demanding job. He didn't need any help with where the pyjamas were, which towels to use, or keeping them all upstairs. He just did it.

That's what a good Dad looks like.

WimbyAce · 26/03/2023 10:54

It's not about helping out it's about being a dad which he isn't being. You need to decide how to move forward with this, don't be a doormat.

Reh123 · 26/03/2023 11:02

If you can book a weekend away with your mum and baby, don't tell him it's none of his business, if he is upstairs all the time you being away shouldn't be an issue,

billy1966 · 26/03/2023 11:10

God love you.

You have had a child with a loser.

This doesn't have to be your life, but you really have to help yourself.

Do not get pregnant again with this loser.

Return to work.

Tell your mother the truth.

Can you move home?

He is a waste of space.

Far better to leave him to his gaming and make plans for you and your child to have a good future together.

Wishing you well.

Mariposista · 26/03/2023 11:16

Yet another poster having a baby with a useless man. DO these women even know their partners before getting pregnant? Or are ALL these men suddenly changing from mature man ready for fatherhood to adult sized adolescent? Ladies no matter how much you WANT a baby, you can't change useless.

Dancingonthemoonlight · 26/03/2023 11:16

@BabyGirlMama22 I'm not going to be like the rest of the lynch mob here and I'm going to suggest you have a Frank discussion with him. There is every possibility that he is suffering from Male post partum depression and is struggling with the responsibility of being a father.
Before anyone comes at me it is a 100% factual thing that men can get PPD as well as women, but it's quite obvious that many women don't give a hoot about a man's mental health here.
Speak to him in a calm manner and ask him if there's anything wrong, if he's struggling with becoming a dad etc and struggling to bond with his child.

To those calling him a lazy arse and to leave the bastard and that he's a bad dad did you ever stop to think he could be struggling? Would you call a mum the same things if it was the other way around or would you be suggesting it could be PPD or another mental health condition and be more supportive?

memorial · 26/03/2023 11:21

Greenfairydust · 26/03/2023 09:13

I know it is a bit late now but the obvious question is why did you have a child with a man who sounds really immature and not interested in being a parent?

Was it really a joint decision? because lazy men don't magically change when they become fathers.

He is gaslighting you when you question his behaviour and has no interest in interacting with his child.

I would try an ultimatum and tell him you expect him to now do 50% of the care and if he doesn't the relationship is over.

But frankly I assume you are not married from you describing him as your partner and I would cut your losses because the likely outcome of this is that you are going to have to raise your child as a single parent.

Because ultimately you can't force someone to care for a child he has no interest in or to commit to a relationship/family.

ODFOD. What a nasty unhelpful comment. Many of us married/have children with men who did maybe party/drink/seemed immature. But they don't tell you they're going to be shit dad's and partners. Maybe it is foolish to think they will grow up and love their kids.
No one has a child with someone thinking yes he'll be crap he's the one. How stupid do you think we are? No one starts off to give their child a shit father/to have to do it alone.
And you get beaten down by it and can't even tell what's wrong or right.
Lucky you that this never happened to you. But clearly from this board alone it happens to many women.

LaDamaDeElche · 26/03/2023 11:22

He’s not a bad dad, he isn’t a dad at all. He’s a bad partner though.

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2023 11:22

Dancingonthemoonlight · 26/03/2023 11:16

@BabyGirlMama22 I'm not going to be like the rest of the lynch mob here and I'm going to suggest you have a Frank discussion with him. There is every possibility that he is suffering from Male post partum depression and is struggling with the responsibility of being a father.
Before anyone comes at me it is a 100% factual thing that men can get PPD as well as women, but it's quite obvious that many women don't give a hoot about a man's mental health here.
Speak to him in a calm manner and ask him if there's anything wrong, if he's struggling with becoming a dad etc and struggling to bond with his child.

To those calling him a lazy arse and to leave the bastard and that he's a bad dad did you ever stop to think he could be struggling? Would you call a mum the same things if it was the other way around or would you be suggesting it could be PPD or another mental health condition and be more supportive?

He does absolutely nothing with his child.

Even a mother with PND looks after her baby through her struggles. She doesn't vanish off playing Xbox.

And yes, she needs to talk to him - whilst he's packing his stuff up and going back to his mum

Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 11:23

He’s a shit dad and partner. It won’t get better. What a failure he is.

memorial · 26/03/2023 11:23

Mariposista · 26/03/2023 11:16

Yet another poster having a baby with a useless man. DO these women even know their partners before getting pregnant? Or are ALL these men suddenly changing from mature man ready for fatherhood to adult sized adolescent? Ladies no matter how much you WANT a baby, you can't change useless.

Yes definitely we are all clearly idiots who thought he's a terrible person ill have a child with him. Nasty judgmental and oh so superior.

Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 11:24

So many male apologists on here.

“He’s a shit dad? That’s your fault, stupid woman.”

Coffeeandchocs · 26/03/2023 11:25

Dancingonthemoonlight · 26/03/2023 11:16

@BabyGirlMama22 I'm not going to be like the rest of the lynch mob here and I'm going to suggest you have a Frank discussion with him. There is every possibility that he is suffering from Male post partum depression and is struggling with the responsibility of being a father.
Before anyone comes at me it is a 100% factual thing that men can get PPD as well as women, but it's quite obvious that many women don't give a hoot about a man's mental health here.
Speak to him in a calm manner and ask him if there's anything wrong, if he's struggling with becoming a dad etc and struggling to bond with his child.

To those calling him a lazy arse and to leave the bastard and that he's a bad dad did you ever stop to think he could be struggling? Would you call a mum the same things if it was the other way around or would you be suggesting it could be PPD or another mental health condition and be more supportive?

Come off it. He is a lazy bastard.
I struggled horrendously with PND and I still looked after my baby. He is not so mentally unwell that he can’t go to work. He is struggling to bond with the baby because he can’t be arsed to build that bond.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 26/03/2023 11:28

I'm 12 years down the line and I'm telling you it won't change. We have two children and my husband still doesn't help unless specifically told to and even then he might not, depends what he's got on. But he would usually prioritise his own wants over what I want.
He wouldn't see the kids go without but if there was a chance someone else, me, grandparents, friends could do it instead of him he would let them.

Hayliebells · 26/03/2023 11:33

To be a "bad dad", he'd actually need to be one. He's neither a dad, nor a partner. He's like a man from a bygone era, when men worked and then just pleased themselves. Although I reckon even in Victorian times, some men at least interacted with their children sometimes. It's shit to go through a separation with a young baby, but what choice do you really have? Do you have the ability to leave? Do you have a job to go back to after mat leave? If you can't financially afford to live alone, could you go to your mum's? It must be really miserable, and ultimately it will break you, living with a "partner" like this.

Mrs13 · 26/03/2023 11:35

Before you had the baby was he a good partner? Is this usual behavior for him? Do you love him?

He could be suffering from PPD.. perhaps try to talk to him about that and get him to see a doctor?

if a woman had written this post I think people would be suggesting getting her help not just calling her a shit mum and telling dad to kick her out

viques · 26/03/2023 11:35

So he thinks that donating one sperm that despite coming from the dick of the laziest man in the country somehow managed to find an egg to fertilise, absolves him of all other parenting responsibilities for the next 18 years?

I would be advising him that since his sperm are so precious and high value he can keep them all to himself from now on.

PaigeMatthews · 26/03/2023 11:36

Firstly, you're not married and your partner is lazy and selfish. Do not stay at home. Go back to work. Child care costs come out of the household budget. You focus on your career as much as you partner does.

secondly, whenever he asks ‘are you calling me a bad dad' you reply with ‘what do you do to be considered a good dad?’

GoodChat · 26/03/2023 11:37

PaigeMatthews · 26/03/2023 11:36

Firstly, you're not married and your partner is lazy and selfish. Do not stay at home. Go back to work. Child care costs come out of the household budget. You focus on your career as much as you partner does.

secondly, whenever he asks ‘are you calling me a bad dad' you reply with ‘what do you do to be considered a good dad?’

The baby's 6 months old. She may well want to take her full mat leave

PaigeMatthews · 26/03/2023 11:38

Mrs13 · 26/03/2023 11:35

Before you had the baby was he a good partner? Is this usual behavior for him? Do you love him?

He could be suffering from PPD.. perhaps try to talk to him about that and get him to see a doctor?

if a woman had written this post I think people would be suggesting getting her help not just calling her a shit mum and telling dad to kick her out

🙄

Codlingmoths · 26/03/2023 11:39

Well he is a bad dad isn’t he? Just say when did you last do something for your child or even cuddle them? So really you’re not a dad at all, you might as well not be here and baby won’t even notice. That’s the truth.

Merangutan · 26/03/2023 11:39

I’d be sitting down with him and asking him exactly what he thinks being a ‘good dad’ involves and how he expects to bond with a child that he shows absolutely no interest in. The baby could belong to a neighbour for all of the ‘parenting’ he is doing. Was he keen to have a child? How was he during pregnancy?

You cannot be a parent and spend day after day of your available free time on a different floor of the house playing computer games and ignoring your baby. Parenting requires sacrifices. You’re making them but he isn’t. That’s appalling.

PaigeMatthews · 26/03/2023 11:40

GoodChat · 26/03/2023 11:37

The baby's 6 months old. She may well want to take her full mat leave

Show quote history

I actually meant at the end of it rather than becoming a sahm

Merangutan · 26/03/2023 11:41

And next time he asks ‘Are you calling me a bad dad?’ say yes. Because he is and he needs telling. I wonder what his family and friends would say if you told them, in front of him, that he spends his free time deliberately avoiding his baby?