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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn't help with baby

182 replies

BabyGirlMama22 · 25/03/2023 23:22

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much...

So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV.

Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that!

If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

OP posts:
Astralitzia · 25/03/2023 23:30

Did he actually want the child? It sounds like he's totally checked out of your relationship and parenthood entirely. Was he like this before?

Wolfiefan · 25/03/2023 23:32

It’s not helping. It is being a parent. He’s choosing not to be one.

crazeecatladee · 25/03/2023 23:33

get your contraception sorted out

TimeForTeaAndG · 25/03/2023 23:33

'are you calling me a bad dad'

That would entail him acting like a dad in the first place, but essentially yes. A bad dad. A bad partner.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 23:34

He sounds really immature, YANBU to expect him to parent his child and next time he asks that question I'd say he isn't a bad dad because be hasn't been doing anything a dad does so far.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 25/03/2023 23:34

That's exactly what he is a waste of space bad dad, don't waste any more time on the loser, he is a disgrace.

Slimjimtobe · 25/03/2023 23:36

How come your mum has your baby overnight once a week ? Is this because she knows partner is no good ?

he doesn’t seem to enjoy your baby which is very sad and he’s useless to be honest

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/03/2023 23:37

'are you calling me a bad dad'

When he says this, what do you say? Because if it triggers a "no of course not" response from you, stop lying. He is an absent father, ask him if he thinks an absent father is a good dad. Let him answer.

TimeForTeaAndG · 25/03/2023 23:37

I saw a really good breakdown of household one time that basically said the working partner is involved in their work routine 9-5 (or whatever their shifts are) say 36-40 hours a week. The sah parent is entirely responsible for the child for the same 36-40 hours a week. The rest of the time the household and child rearing tasks you are equally responsible.

The sahp is not 100% responsible for the child 100% of the time.

Tell him he's a lazy twat and he needs to step up.

WhatToDo82 · 25/03/2023 23:40

This sounds like my partner was when we had our first. I wondered about it for a while and stupidly pandered to him because I don’t like confrontation, which made him even lazier. Eventually I couldn’t carry on and had to give him a kick up the backside. Insisting he do certain things and we split the childcare 50/50 at weekends even though he was the one working during the week. I got angry and he listened. It wasn’t always perfect and he is still lazy now but does a lot more than he used to. Some men do need the kick up the backside to get their arses off computer games and parent more. Maybe yours needs to be told categorically this isn’t what you signed up for when you agreed to have a baby with him. Tell him it’s do his fair share or leave.

L3ThirtySeven · 25/03/2023 23:45

YANBU. He sounds like a terrible dad and partner. All you can do is stop asking and start demanding he spend time with the child. Supervised at first because I’m not convinced he wanted a child and could well resent your DD. Resentment is dangerous. So you need to monitor until you know his real feelings towards your DD. If demands don’t work, then he’s a complete tosser and I’d be booting him out of the house and separating/divorcing.

TerrysGotPeeves · 25/03/2023 23:47

'are you calling me a bad dad'. I mean, my answer to this would be 'yes I am, because you are indeed a bad dad'. I caveat that however, with I wouldn't say it if there's any chance that he might become violent / abusive in response. Not saying that he is likely to, of course I don't know him, but just being cautious.

How do you think he'd respond? No, I don't think you should cut him any slack, and I absolutely think he should be 'helping out' more. Though it's not helping out, it's parenting his child, and it should be the default. He sounds like a lazy arse.

KievLoverTwo · 25/03/2023 23:47

He's gaslighting you. I don't know why, but he is.

Maybe he's really struggling to bond with the baby, idk.

Either way, he needs it firmly pointing out to him that being a mum and everything that entails is also a full time job, and your relaxation time is just as important as his.

nimski · 25/03/2023 23:49

He is a bad dad. Tell him, he sounds like a waste of space.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2023 23:50

Are you going back to w

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2023 23:51

Are you going back to work? Was the baby planned? How much time did he spend gaming before you had the baby?

excelledyourself · 25/03/2023 23:58

He's not really a partner though, is he? And he's only a parent in the biological sense.

You and your dd deserve better. You're doing it alone anyway, so might as well do it without atmosphere and resentment it must surely cause.

SpecialControlGroup · 26/03/2023 00:05

If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad'

Well the answer to that is 'yes, you do fuck all for your child so you are hardly going to win dad of the year are you?'

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2023 00:27

How old are you both?

And he isn't a dad in any normal meaning of the word

AllOfThemWitches · 26/03/2023 00:30

Sorry, threads like this are why I don't understand why people here get so worked up about women choosing to be single parents from the start.

Like countless other men, your 'partner' is a waste of space and you'll be better off (officially) alone.

steadyaswego · 26/03/2023 00:41

First of all, i really hope you are ok OP. It's an awful situation to be in when i'm guessing you imagined this phase of life very differently. I was in an extremely similar position with my DP a couple of months ago. My DS is 8 months now, but like you the first 6months I was a single parent with a "partner". Like you, I had a emergency section and DP was brilliant for the first 4 weeks but completely checked out once I was recovered enough and had BF established. At 6 months with no big explanation I just told him it was over and he needed to leave if he wasn't in this with me. After a few awful arguments he got the picture. Turns out he felt pushed out once he wasn't totally relied on anymore. Maybe have a good talk with your DP and figure out what's going on for him.
It might help those changes come sooner and with less arguing.
I hope it works out for you OP. Remember to always put your DD and yourself first.

Coyoacan · 26/03/2023 02:09

I was so glad I'd split from my dd's father before she was born because he would have had that attitude and it would have killed all my pleasure in being a mother

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/03/2023 02:34

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2023 23:51

Are you going back to work? Was the baby planned? How much time did he spend gaming before you had the baby?

That does really sound like you're spending all your energy finding a way it could be the OP's fault.

lauraisa · 26/03/2023 02:41

People treat you the way you let them. See a marriage counsellor and work through this or cut your losses before you end up pregnant with another child he doesn't want. You both deserve better.

bussteward · 26/03/2023 07:33

A man this lazy with his own child isn’t going to put in the work to do counselling.

Sorry, OP: he’s not a bad dad, he’s not a dad at all.