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Original poster

Partner doesn't help with baby

182 replies

BabyGirlMama22 · 25/03/2023 23:22

Just looking for some opinions on this topic and wondering if I'm asking too much...

So my baby is almost 6 months old and I am left to do everything for/with her 6 days a week (the other day she stays with my mum overnight). When she was born I had to have an emergency section so required some recovery time so my partner had to cook dinner etc, but after that would sit upstairs playing computer games but would come downstairs to check on me and baby. When baby was a couple months old I told HV I was down and sad a lot which partner never acknowledged and only questioned once I had told HV.

Now DD is almost 6 months and partner sits upstairs constantly. Says he doesn't like being downstairs but he spends no time with his child. If I bring it up its constant 'are you calling me a bad dad' but I spend every moment with DD, rarely have a moment to myself as she barely naps throughout the day and just feel annoyed that I'm struggling or just need a few hours to myself and he can't even give me that!

If I ask him to watch her for any reason it's either 'I wanted to relax before work', 'it's my only day off', or 'I've had a long day at work' so when does he intend to spend time with DD? Even on his days off if I ask to go do something it's made out to be a hassle. Should I cut him some slack as he works or should he be helping out more?

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 07:37

are you calling me a bad dad yes

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/03/2023 07:37

Sorry, OP: he’s not a bad dad, he’s not a dad at all.

This. Tell him he’s a bad dad. Can you leave?

ChickenDhansak82 · 26/03/2023 07:41

What was he like before the baby was born?

And why does the baby spend a night with your mum every week??

As he shows no interest in being a parent then I suggest asking him to leave or could you move back in with your mum for a bit? That way you can give him some space to decide if he wants to grow up.

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 26/03/2023 07:43

He is a bad dad and bad partner.

Is he still doing housework, and just avoiding baby, or is he leaving it all to you? What was your rough split of housework, cooking etc before you were pregnant?

It could be that he hasn't bonded with baby and doesn't know his place, or it could be he genuinely thinks that because you are on mat leave, it's fair for you to do everything because you aren't at work (it's not fair at all, but I genuinely think some men feel this way).

You need to tell him how you really feel and find out what's going on for him.

VestaTilley · 26/03/2023 07:55

YANBU. He’s useless. I can’t stand these grown men who sit on computers all night rather than engage with their own baby. There is no excuse.

He’s not going to improve. Do not have more children with him.

stockpilingallthecheese · 26/03/2023 08:00

What an absolute waste of space. I wouldn't be referring to him as a partner or a dad as he's actually doing neither. Pathetic man child.

Daffodilwoman · 26/03/2023 08:06

Yes he is a bad dad.
Yes he is a bad partner.
Did he want a child?
Either tell him he needs to parent his child or leave him. You will be better off without him.

PinkSyCo · 26/03/2023 08:07

Sounds like he hasn’t bonded with his child at all! Did he even want her in the first place? Or could he be depressed? Does he work especially long hours and feel overwhelmed at having to provide for all 3 of you? Do the two of you even talk? What do you do when your DC is at your mums? I would use that time to thrash it out. Living separate lives under one roof is no partnership.

MintJulia · 26/03/2023 08:20

My ex did that. He went from enthusiastic dad to completely uninvolved in the space of about 4 weeks.

I think he changed four nappies in two years. He expected to carry on his routine as it had been prior to DS, tennis, beers with the boys, work, sleep, meals. He seemed to think he'd 'given me a baby' and so I should cook, clean and keep his house while he lived his bachelor existence but with a clean house, freshly ironed shirts and sex on tap. Errr, no!

When we left, DS was 2. We moved into a flat, and ds didn't even notice his df wasn't there. Says it all really.

I'm sorry but your dp sounds like a lazy, selfish teenager. You could try having a very blunt chat with him, but not sure it will help. You may need to leave before it makes you bitter.

googlejourney · 26/03/2023 08:24

He has checked out of your relationship and parenthood, did he even want a child?
Was he always on his computer games before? It doesn't sound like he was ready or even interested in being a father.

I'd cut and run now, what a miserable and boring life being tied to a man like that.

LemonDrizzle10 · 26/03/2023 08:34

My ex was like this.
Wish I'd left much sooner than I did.
I spent far too long being really unhappy and I really regret it.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2023 08:36

He’s not even a partner to you - he’s a complete waste of space op

GoodChat · 26/03/2023 08:38

I agree with telling him that you're not saying he's a bad dad, but that he's not a dad at all. At this point he's just a sperm donor.

SecretVictoria · 26/03/2023 08:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/03/2023 02:34

That does really sound like you're spending all your energy finding a way it could be the OP's fault.

Show quote history

Not really. They’re valid questions. If OP
comes back and says he wasn’t that bothered about having a child or that he did lots of gaming before, then it was a foolish decision to have a child with him.

I've seen it on here and IRL; woman wants a baby, bloke not that bothered, woman gets pregnant ‘accidentally’, bloke not that happy and so carries on as he’s always done.

Murdoch1949 · 26/03/2023 08:45

He's not a partner, he's a nuisance lodger. Why on earth are you remaining with him? You are both working hard. You need to have a discussion about him stepping up more, using some of his time off work to interact with his daughter. It's ridiculous that you have allowed this to develop. Establish a new, agreed routine where, for example, he takes his daughter out for a walk, then bathes & feeds her, reads her bedtime stories and puts her to bed one or two evenings a week.

Snugglemonkey · 26/03/2023 08:50

He is not a dad, just a sperm donor. He is choosing not to parent or partner you at all. He needs to hear the reality not be pandered to. There is no point being with him.

Weallgottachangesometime · 26/03/2023 08:54

I’d start just insisting he does more. Eg if you want a bath take the baby to him and tell him you’re having a bath, or going for a run etc. start assuming that he will do his share of the care for the baby when he is home.

If things don’t change personally I would think about breaking up. I’d make damn sure no other babies were coming along too.

Greenfairydust · 26/03/2023 09:13

I know it is a bit late now but the obvious question is why did you have a child with a man who sounds really immature and not interested in being a parent?

Was it really a joint decision? because lazy men don't magically change when they become fathers.

He is gaslighting you when you question his behaviour and has no interest in interacting with his child.

I would try an ultimatum and tell him you expect him to now do 50% of the care and if he doesn't the relationship is over.

But frankly I assume you are not married from you describing him as your partner and I would cut your losses because the likely outcome of this is that you are going to have to raise your child as a single parent.

Because ultimately you can't force someone to care for a child he has no interest in or to commit to a relationship/family.

hellywelly3 · 26/03/2023 09:14

I DH was a bit like this with our first. It took a male relative of his to pull him to a side (when witnessing him saying he couldn’t get the baby a bottle as he was on his holiday) and say “you don’t a day off from being a parent, you need to pull your bloody weight, can you not see how exhausted your wife is??” I’m forever grateful to that relative as I started to question if I was expecting too much.
sometimes people (men!) need it spelling out to them, usually by another male.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/03/2023 09:22

Greenfairydust · 26/03/2023 09:13

I know it is a bit late now but the obvious question is why did you have a child with a man who sounds really immature and not interested in being a parent?

Was it really a joint decision? because lazy men don't magically change when they become fathers.

He is gaslighting you when you question his behaviour and has no interest in interacting with his child.

I would try an ultimatum and tell him you expect him to now do 50% of the care and if he doesn't the relationship is over.

But frankly I assume you are not married from you describing him as your partner and I would cut your losses because the likely outcome of this is that you are going to have to raise your child as a single parent.

Because ultimately you can't force someone to care for a child he has no interest in or to commit to a relationship/family.

This. You need to speak frankly to him and if there's no major change as a result, move iut and move on.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 26/03/2023 09:32

Add me to the list of posters who are calling him a bad dad.

AllOfThemWitches · 26/03/2023 09:45

Even if OP comes back and says 'he was lazy before we had a kid,' what then? Do some of you just want an excuse to berate her for not checking her crystal ball? Maybe she thought he would change his lifestyle like the rest of us had to when we had children.

tillylula · 26/03/2023 09:47

Please do yourself a favour and don't have any more kids with him. It's not worth it. And no matter what you say to him, he will never change. Speaking from experience here as I sit unwell on the sofa with 2x toddlers, pregnant with another while he is still in bed, the same as every day.

B0g · 26/03/2023 09:51

More of a worthless deadbeat. Not a 'partner', just a crap boyfriend. Whose house is it? Can he be removed? You're already a lone parent, free yourself of the deadweight.

Coffeeandchocs · 26/03/2023 09:59

You need to reframe how you think about this. You don’t need him to help, you need him to parent.
I’ve never had to ask my husband to help me look after his son. I work shifts so spend more time with our son, but when my husband is at home it is totally 50/50. That’s the way it should be. My husband doesn’t need to be asked to clean, cook meals, play with or bathe our son, he does it because he is a parent and a partner.
This isn’t to gloat about my husband and how great of a father he is. It’s to show you how it can be. So many of these situations are glossed over with comments about “how men are”. But no, actually, there are many men that are good, kind partners and fathers. You don’t have to accept this as your lot in life, to put up with this man while your single handedly raise his child.